The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The thing that always gets me on this board is that so often, others are feeling so similar to me. It is always so comforting to be reminded that I am not alone.
Life has been calm lately.(as calm as life with 7 children can be)
The kids and I go about our daily lives. My front door is all but revolving with the teenagers and their friends. We have baseball and football games many evenings and on the weekends. We have bakesales, booksales, candy sales, pumpkin picking, birthday parties and all the other things that go with fall and kids.
Every day there is a hub of activity and schedules. With all of this there is hardly anytime for myself. I steal a few minutes here and there. My coworkers say they get tired just thinking of my schedule.
The ironic part is I am so lonely, and so sad. It is hard to imagine being lonely, when I can't even take a bath without a child trying to come in with me, or eat a meal without someone sticking there fingers in my plate, or spilling a drink on me. But I am so lonely. I am so angry with my husband and so disgusted with him, yet I miss him. I long for adult conversation, where feet are not refered to as "piggies".
Financially I am doing ok. I work, I have enough to pay the bills and even get some help around here.
I have no complaints about the kids, yet I am miserable. I live in a world as a married woman without a husband. I am married by law, God and heart, yet my husband lives with his mother. He is her constant compainion and confidant. He cannot complete a sentance without telling me what she thinks about it. She tells him his drinking is ok, that his first priority is supposed to be to her, and most importantly, he believes it.
He tells me out problem is my attitude. That I will not accept his drinking and will not just deal with the fact that his mother is supposed to come first, after all she is blood. I guess that makes me water. He tells me that he knows I want a divorce, that all of this is an excuse. That I like living this way. No matter what I say, he will not and cannot see reason. I tell him I do love him, I tell him that I will no longer tolerate his drinking and I tell him that I will not take a back seat to his mother. He tells me that if I really loved him, I would do just that, and try to understand.
I know that it is over. I know he will not stop, and she will never voluntarily let go, and he will not make her.
He wants me to sit here and deal with out family while he lives with Mommy and that should be enough for me.
None of this is what I want. I want a husband who is sober and my partner, not his mothers. But I know I can't have that.
I haven't been sleeping well. I have been plagued with nightmares that I wake up from crying. Sick, twisted nightmares, where, I wake up crying and exhausted. I dream my husband having an affair and flaunting the woman in front of me. I won't go into the horrible details, but when I see the woman's face it is his mother. I hate these nightmares and I wake up feeling sick and heading for the shower.
I know I need to let go, I need to tell him it is time for a divorce. I deserve more that this, but I can't.
How do I go from love for him and disgust for him in a seconds time? I am being eaten alive with hate for her, and anger for him.
I have tried leaning on my faith, and praying for her, and I can't find the strength. I have gone to meetings, I know and accept that I am not in control. I can accept that. What I can't accept is that she is in control, that she has destroyed, her son, my husband and my childrens father.
I can't and will not let her destroy me or my children. I think I need to seek professional help, help to sort out my feelings.
I know I am lonely and afraid and tired, and I know the only one who can let me free is me. I just need to find the strength to do it.
Sending you much love and prayers. You are never alone. We are always with you. In time the lonliness will disappear. Grieve for the relationship that once was. Say goodbye to it when you are ready. You will get through these dark days. Give yourself the time you need.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hate that you are having such a tough time. It is very easy to be lonely and alone, even if you are surrounded by people, kids, and activities.
Now, this is just my opinion, but your Mother in law isn't the one with the power from the way I see it. Your husband and his disease are totally in control. He is making the choices. His mom may have that false sense of control, but she is also powerless over him. She may tollerate his drinking in order to get what she wants in her life. Is that anyway to live? Look at your children. Can you imagine them at your husband's age, still living at home, acting the way your husband does, doing the things he does, still dependant on you for all their emotional and financial support? Even if that is what she wants, can there anyone be living Happy, Joyous and Free in that kind of environment?
It is my experience that A's go where A's can do what they want to do which is DRINK. No matter what that situation is they will usually tolerate anything to be able to DRINK. That is there sole obsession. That is their disease. Remember it's not about you, it's not about her - most of the time - it's about his disease and his choice to go where he can do what his disease tells him to do - DRINK.
Jeannie, I hope that in the midst of that chaos, you are able to find some few minutes to do something especially nice for you - Take care of you - You deserve it. Those wonderful children of yours deserve to have the best mom they can - and taking care of you is one of the best gifts you can give them.
ODAT,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know right where you are. Except I am truly alone - my nest is empty and my AHsober is gone. I sometimes go to sleep crying and wake up crying. I miss my H but he is not the same person. He isn't drinking but doing everything else. It hurts that he doesn't miss me or seek me out when he is lonely. But we have to say that the disease is taking over. And we cannot do a darn thing about it. For myself, I don't want to live lonely or die lonely. I look to Alanon to make changes in my life. Know that you are supported and loved here at MIP.
wish I could be a light for you, but you just described how i feel. Was doing really well then this last horrible thing just knocked me off my feet.
Know what ya mean being married to a ghost. I don't even know where my A is or if he is dead or alive.
I know the mommy thing.Thought when my A's mom lost her house he would let go of her. But he got worse. She is in a nursing home. He is nuts.
Feel so sad that you are alone. It has to be hard to see the kids do neat things and not have him to share it with. Also they are living with out his love.
But they do have an awesome mom. There is nothing anyone can do to fill your heart. It will be up to you to heal and make yourself happy.
I do my best to make myself happy. Seems though, still feel like my heart is breaking. I don't think about how i feel anymore about him. Just don't want to feel at all.
Jeannie i did get to a serene place so am sure you can too. Maybe work on stopping yourself from thinking about them. Just stop and think about something else. It does work.
Takes a bit to break the habit, but you can. I really believe i am addicted to A. I know if I see him and sit with him, then I feel so much better. Then he is gone and i am a mess.
So I have to totally stay away from him.
Wish we had rehab for being the loves of an A. Be able to have them leave or leave them, then go where others understand and will let ya grieve and sleep and sit in your comfy cloths and eat whatcha can and drink tea or pepsi.
watch movies together, have group counseling, hot tubs, alanon meetings all day long. Have a room with comfy beds, couches, big bean bags all over so you dont' have to be alone.And have separate rooms too for when ya do need to be alone.
wow a stable, tennis area, golf..... geez what a fantasy eh? And when ya walk out the door, you have all the tools you need to be ok and serene.
wow just thinking about this made me feel better. I should turn Eden into a rehab for tired of it all people.....
