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Last night I talked to my A for the fist time in almost 2 weeks. He is still using/drinking and is so far in his addiction that its frightening. I am 4000 miles away from our home.. and him and I feel helpless. He told me he loves me and wants to come here to be with me and get help. He says he needs to go but will call me back in a few minutes... that call never came. I found out today that he had someone there with him all night... after our conversation. One of his friends told me. I have suspected that he has cheated on me, but never had proof.. now I know. It is heartbreaking!! I love him and would NEVER cheat on him. It is as though my A has no feelings... NONE! His friend told me that I have to remember that its not personal.. it has nothing to do with me. He said that my A is not himself. Someone tell my broken heart that! I have been told that drinking/using and promiscuity go hand in hand... how do you guys deal with that? How do you get past the cheating.. and lies? The only thing I ever wanted from this man was his love. Was that too much to ask for?
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have been where you are too. For me, eventually I had to get away. I couldn't take the deceit and all that goes with it.
I didn't find recovery then though...I found another Ainstead...and so the cycle continues. Now I'm trying to get better though.
But I know what you are going through.
I do think that drinking, using and promiscuity often go hand in hand, especially in younger As. Thats just my exoerience. And there is NOTHING we can do to stop them.
I think you are lucky to have a friend who is open and honest with you about your situation. This is heartbreaking I know, but it also gives you the opportunity to make a choice for yourself.
He is gripped by a cunning and baffling illness, and probably incapable of making good decisions. I agree that this situation is not personal towards you, but I also know that when you are the injured party it is damned hard to see this. Just know that this is the case. It does not however excuse his behaviour in any way.
It is time now for you to put yourself first. Look after yourself. You have come here and that is a great start.
I have been where you are at now and thanks to the Al-Anon Family Groups and all the loving members and a sponsor or two with their experience, strength and hope (esh) I came to understand...a lot!! One thing was that a person will do under the influence of alcohol what they wouldn't do sober. True for me entirely. Another thing I learned was never expect from an alcoholic or addict what you would expect from a normal, healthy person...you won't ever get those expectations fulfilled unless of course your expectation is that this cunning, powerful, baffling and progressive disease will suck the life out of every person, place or thing it comes in contact with. Crazy but true!! I had no idea or understanding of what alcoholism or an alcoholic was until I met and married my own full blown alcoholic after separating from the other one I was engaged to. What was wrong with me? Before I accepted that infidelity was a part of this way of living I had to also understand and admit that I was one of those Tom, Dick and Harrys...just a different name. I was one of her affairs and and she was one of mine like the one before that also. What was wrong with me? I expected better thinking and behaving from an alcoholic than I expected and was willing to do myself. What was wrong with me? I didn't know that either until I got into this program of recovery.
The second step says, "Came to believe that a power greater than my self could restore me to SANITY. I then knew that the answer to What was wrong with me was that I was crazy. And I was. I needed to change higher powers from my alcoholic and myself over to a God of my understanding. I didn't cause the disease, couldn't control it and neither could I cure it. (three cees) neither could my alcoholic wife. So what was wrong with me? I was playing God, I was acting as if her happiness and sobriety depended on me and what I wanted, expected and tried to make happen.
There were the times when the "other" person was there and I stopped thinking and feeling mad, sad and hurt when I understood that this was a major part of the disease and that I had also played that role in it. This was normal for crazy and I started to naturally expect crazy instead of sane behavior.
Thank God (my higher power) for this program. Without the loving membership and their experience, strength and hope and willingness to support recovery in others I more than likely would died as a result of alcoholism.
Keep coming back and hang out more with the recovering winners. I could save your mind and life if you let it.
No cheating and using do not go hand in hand. There are people who cheat and people who do not.
It is not a symptom of aism. It is something some one is prone to, they think about it, then do it, drunk or not.
However as we know using lowers inhibitions, so if they are prone to it, or have had thoughts but did not entertain them, when their inhibitions are lowered....It is easier to choose the wrong thing.
then they use their aism or addict status as an excuse.
Oh I can bet you are hurting big time. don't take it personal??? give me a break. Of course it is personal. this is the man you love who is boinking someone else. that is sick.
sorry but I have very strong feelings about this. You are in terrible pain. There is nothing really to make you feel better except to get over him if you can.
If my A ever crossed that line, no way would i carry any love or anything for him. But that is MY boundary, or one of them.
That intimacy for me, once broken, we could never go back. Maybe now days don't take sex as seriously as it used to be. There are many reasons not to cheat. many.
I am so sad you feel so crummy. I just know me, I cannot love someone who would be so cruel to me, no way.
hugs to you and i hope you find some serenity, love,debilyn
i am so sorry you are going thru this. i also went thru it. it was worse than anything. worse than the death of my father, anything. to be so completly betrayed and for no reason. there is never any justification to cheat on someone. we have to take it personally because it happened to us. for me it just took time. and i did whatever i thought would make me feel better in the moment. some of that was pretty unhealthy stuff but it was the best i could do. i was in the program when i found out but very new. so i did call people and i did bring it up at meetings and i found so much love and understanding. i was shocked at how many people had gone thru this. i don't know if it's a symptom of a'ism or part of my ex's bipolar disorder. it doesn't matter to me anymore why, i just focus on the aftermath and what can i do to make my life better.
it has scarred me for life. i cannot imagine how i will ever trust a relationship again. i believe i will, but i don't know how. hp will help me when i get to that point with someone. the best thing i did was to do whatever i felt i needed to at the moment. whether it was to call him a million times looking for answers, or ignoring him completly, or crying till my eyes were so swollen that i couldn't see straight. or making an alanon call and hearing that i will be ok, i will make it thru this, and it will get better. i prayed like my life depended on it, and it most likely did. i distracted myself with movies and shopping and friends. little by little i started to look at myself and began changing so that i could be comfortable with who i am. that is a process for me.
you are not alone and you can get thru this and be better on the other side. take care of you and lots of love....
I was there as well. And I agree with Debilyn. Cheating is not a symptom of Alcoholism it is, in my humble opinion, a character defect (that's what my ex called it, and I have to agree with her ....now that is. ). Using the addiction as an excuse is just that. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior no matter why it happens. Doesnt mean we cant understand it. Doesnt mean we cant forgive it. But that is our choice, each and every one of us. There is certainly no requirement one way or the other to forgive or not. Only we can decide what is or is not a "deal breaker" for us.
I can remember telling my wife at one point in our marriage that I could forgive anything except cheating. That was an unforgiveable betrayal to me. Well....when it did happen, or rather when I became aware that it was happening...it was an unbelievable reality. Surreal. I just could not believe it. Tried to deny it. Try to find ways to make it my fault (and she helped with that one, telling me it was my fault due to my actions or lack of actions). And I believed it. And this made it acceptable to me. Because if I had caused it, well then I could make sure it wouldnt happen again simply by changing my actions in the future. And I forgave her for the affair(s), and believed that I had. But I really didnt forgive her it was lip service. More self justifying behavior for why I didnt stand up for my own convictions.
All this said, I just want you to know, we know the pain you are feeling. And damn right it is personal. It is personal because we take it personally. We don't have too, but we do. I finally figured out the cheating wasnt about me. I didnt cause it. I couldnt control it. I couldnt cure it. I no longer own any part of my ex-wife's infidelity, it is her's entirely. Doesn't mean I was perfect, doesnt mean I didn't play a part in the demise of our relationship. I own up to my part and have made peace with it for the most part.
Keep posting your feelings and get to a face to face meeting if you can.
I too know that hurt of infedelity. In a million years, my AH would never do that when he was sober. But he did when he was active. It's taken me a while to get past it. Frankly, I try not to think about it anymore. But when I first realized it after his second time in detox, I was devastated, angry, and all those other emotions. I cried my heart out. I let it out as much as I possibly could.
In some people the addiction lowers their inhibitions. I do believe that for some it is part of their disease. It doesn't justify their behavior, but it does explain it. I've known my A for 23+ years and we are the best of friends. I have seen this man be married before and he didn't cheat then. He wouldn't and doesn't cheat now. But when he was active there were a couple of times. I think it depends on the person. If there is a history of it before they were active, then they always have. My A was so devastated by the fact that he cheated he went out and got tested to make sure he was safe. People do strange things when they are in the throws of their addiction. I have seen some pretty bizarre behavior from people whom in a million years when they are sober, would never do such things. It's sad to see.
What I had to decide was whether I was willing to forgive him and let it go. I know that if he didn't get sober we wouldn't be together. I won't live with an active A anymore. I couldn't take it. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. But it was too much for me. I have had to remind myself that when they are in the throws of addiction: Love has nothing to do with it. The love they feel for us, their family, their "normal" life doesn't matter. Their addiction doesn't let them. Their only love is their next fix. You must realize addiction has nothing to do with you. It's not about you and what they feel or don't feel for you. It's about that next moment. That next drink. That next fix.
This is why we get lost in their disease. We don't realize what it is doing to us until something wakes us up. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. Eventhough my AH is now in recovery I still have to work my program. I admit these past few weeks I've been a bit out of it. I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. I realized this morning, it's probably because I haven't been able to get to a meeting and not been working my steps. Life has been a bit chaotic as of late. But if I can make time for the chaos in my life, I can make time for my recovery.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
If you let them, the alcoholics will explain away murder with their alcoholism, there will be no end to the heinous acts they want a free pass for with their alcohol.
They are not even original, now it is the custom for celebreties and high ranking officials to use alcoholism or drug abuse to explain away unnacceptable behavior when they are CAUGHT doing something seriously wrong. Hey, they have heard that line from family members "in recovery" that they are not responsible and that using alcohol is an EFFECTIVE free pass and have been pressured themselves to let it slide...so why not try the free pass routine when THEY need it?
Alcoholics CAN and DO exercise control. My own husband knows for a fact that adultery is a deal breaker for me, as I left my first husband for it so fast his head spun, LOL.
He certainly tried to find a way to step a toe on my boundary with his online porn and stuff, but not physical adultery. Not that what he did is OK, but it was not grounds for divorce as long as he stopped. We have worked it out and he stopped it as far as I can tell. He exhibited certain personality traits when he was doing it, he is at heart an honest person and the guilt got to him and he was as obvious as a heart attack, LOL, he is not a slick liar.
Anyway, he is very good looking and I know for a fact that woman have thrown themselves at him and he has held firm. He never drinks away from home, he is ALWAYS home, comes straight home from work each day, and drinks until he passes out on the couch.
And he is very very ill, blackouts, peeing the bed, talking out of his head, etc. yet he still manages to exercise control in this area.
I have known tons of people who are NOT addicts and cheat, they are not related, except the way that Debilyn mentioned, that alcohol lowers inhibitions so a creep will act more like a creep and not be able to keep a lid on it as well when drunk.
If you want to forgive him fine, if you want to endure his alcholism, fine, but keep your eyes open. This guy is a cheater and will quite likely remain so drunk or sober.
). Using the addiction as an excuse is just that. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior no matter why it happens. Doesnt mean we cant understand it. Doesnt mean we cant forgive it. But that is our choice, each and every one of us. There is certainly no requirement one way or the other to forgive or not. Only we can decide what is or is not a "deal breaker" for us.