(((Lilms)))

I had a a similiar experience and have not been back to my f2f meeting.  I don't know why but al-anon members do not seem to take the anonymity message as seriously as AA members.  I was very uncomfortable trying to explain to a someone how I knew her neighbor.  Anyways...hope this will be a lesson for everyone.  Shut up...you do not know them!

 

Julia

 Have you thought about praying for the person that broke your anonymoty? I have learned that, often times, resentment does nothing to the other person, but destroys me. Buddists liken it to keeping a burning coal in your hand and trying to burn down the woods without throwing it anywhere--the woods don't burn, you do, and you're the one hurting.

 Have you considered sharing with this person how much you were upset by having your anon. broken? Perhaps she needs to be made aware of her mistake--before she repeats it.

 Have you considered going to open AA meetings to get recovery? Just because you feel crestfallen by your al anon meeting doesn't mean you should stop persuing recovery in person period.

 Lastly, have you thought to look at the expectation that, period, anon. would be respected? I've come to firmly believe that today's expectations are tomorrow's resentments. the more entrenched I become in an unrealistic expectation (note the word unrealistic) the more likely I will reel from a resentment. It sounds like you were expecting al anon to operate like a swiss bank--unfortunately, even we have to safe guard against ourselves; that's the purpose of the concepts of service. Have you read those? Their explained in detail in PATHWAYS TO RECOVERY and they explain that, given that we in al anon are human, we make a consistent effort to protect ourselves from ourselves.

 Keep an open mind and keep coming back!

((((lilms)))))

I too hope you don't allow this to interfere with your own recovery in FTF. As Christy mentioned, and I totally agree with her, bringing the importance of anonymity up at the next meeting would be an excellent idea.

Tradition Twelve tells us about the importance of this. It would be a wonderful reminder to your whole ftf group there, and you could share how breaking of anonymity has affected you. Perhaps that would get the message across to your group.

Personally, even if the group topic was something else for that meeting, I would still speak up, tell the group I know this is off-topic today but it is important, and then I would go on to share my experience and reference tradition twelve, and then repeat to the group to please respect my anonymity out in public. This is a foundation principle of our program after all!!

Sometimes we just need reminders.

Luv, Kis

WOW lilms!

I am so sorry that happened to you.

I am afraid of a similar thing happening to me, hence the few times I did try a  F2F I drove to one in a neighboring city "just in case".

I did this also because I have known people who regularly and without a second thought break the anonymity of others.  At a past job that I had a few  coworkers and I were discussing how difficult a certain person was to work with.  One person told us how that person attended alanon...like that was an excuse or something, I was HORRIFIED! This person said it so openly...and I know the coworker is very private about personal matters and would be upset that this was said in a group setting.

My husband is so paranoid about this stuff, having the high profile prestigious job that he does, that he would die if this ever happened to us!  He is super paranoid about anyone knowing me that he has not met, he would question me no end and it would really cause an uproar...don't I have enough problems with him?

I am not knocking alanon, people are people and people are imperfect and make mistakes.  Some people are perhaps disabled, or are homemakers or have a blue collar job and don't have to worry about a professional reputation and can be very open about going to alonon.  Others have to be private, for personal reasons, or professional reasons, or even personal preference. 

So many people love alanon to the point they say they are HAPPY to have been saddled with an alcoholic in their lives, so they can go to alanon...sigh...so they can't understand someone wanting to keep it private and will "out" you with pride.

I know that I have safeguarded the anonimity of others to an extreme degree.  A friend asked me for support to attend an OA meeting.  She was very nervous and self conscious about going alone.  We attended about 10 meetings then decided it was not for us due to some negative comments that people there said to us, that they did not understand why we were there as we were not fat enough basically.  While there I met a new person who was a long time successful OA member who had just moved into the area.  She was anxious to make connections and new friends.  She was a lovely person, very warm and friendly.

A few months later I was visiting a neighbor hospitalized for a serious bout with clinical depression.  Another neighbor accompanied me.  When we got to the floor I saw this woman from OA.  She immediately came out from behind the desk to hug me and tell me she missed me and had not seen me for a while...that was it...PHEW!   Nothing seemed amiss, just two friends running into each other. 

After the visit my friend who was with me was overcome with curiosity about my "friend" and how we had met, as I was also new to the area. She was very nosy and mentioned how she had never seen this woman visit me, so did not know her as one of my friends.  My answer was that in the course of going out and about and getting to know my new community and neighbors that I had met her and she was a lovely person, but I did not know her that well.  This only intrigued my neighbor more...sigh...what a busybody!  I kept repeating the same answer, to no avail.  Finally this neighbor asked me if I had perhaps been hospitalized in the mental ward and that was how I met her and I was embarrassed to say so, LOL!  I told her no, that I had met her in the community, but my friend would not believe it unless I was "more specific", LOL.

So, I sort of had to live with the fact that she assumed that I was vague about where I knew that woman from since I was embarrassed to say I met her while I was in the mental ward as that was where she worked, LOL.

I protected her anonimity at the cost of my reputation, that was how important and crucial I think it is, I only wish others took anonymity that seriously.

Maybe you can try another F2F in another city?  I know it will be a drive, but it may be worth it to you to get the help you need with fewer worries.

Isabela

 

(((((((((lilms)))))))),

I'm sorry that happened to you. My AH's anonymity was broken by a 13 stepper. She went and told the people I work with! People have no idea the damage they can do when they break anonymity, even here (which rarely happens). He actually brought it up at his home group the one that she attends. Apparently she has done this more than once. And she's a sponsor! At first it really screwed him up going. But 2 years later, he still goes and she's still there. Despite his relapses, it hasn't stopped him. Now sober, the 2 of them don't even talk. She's continues on this path of breaking anonymity with new people, and yet the group doesn't do anything about it. That makes me mad. But I am not part of their home group, and hubby reminds me none of my business. As long as he's comfortable at his group why should he change it, just because she's this way?
Hmm..... good point.

Don't feel guilty about getting better. That's part of our disease, doing for ourselves what is best. I would bring it up at your group. If you're not comfortable with broaching the topic, maybe ask a senior member to do so. Try not to let this one incident drive you away from your meetings. They are an important part of your recovery. Do it for you. Trust will always be a hard issue for us. But the more you work at it, the better it gets.

Love and blessings to you.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

Um, maybe there's something I'm not getting here, but I don't really understand.

Did this person in any way mention that she knew you through alanon? Or mention meetings, etc? I can see that something like "I'll see you on Thursday night" could break anonymity, but how is it broken by saying hello? Surely we all know lots of people well enough to say hello to them, and are under no obligation to explain to others why we know them? If I was with someone who was rude enough to ask "How do you know her?' I would just answer "Oh, around...." and let it drop.

To me, anonymity means that anything heard at a meeting stays there. Anonymity means that I do not disclose who is a member of alanon, even by saying something like "Oh, she belongs to a group I go to". I do not discuss what I hear at my meetings even with my husband, in any way that would identify the person who said it. Even here on the board, where none of you live within 500 miles of me, I don't give details that would identify a fellow member.

However, anonymity does not mean that we should expect alanon members to act like spies in enemy territory- pretending that we do not know dear friends. I think that if those are our expectations, we should be sure to make that very clear. Otherwise they will be like most other unrealistic expectations - bound to disappoint us.