The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, my AW who is caught in a tough spot of making a decission if she is to go to rehab or go out on her own.
The throws of that turned into a horrible scene last night that got loud and physical. Unfortunately (but not supprising) our 11 yr old son walked into the end of it. To be honest I was about to wake him and leave when he walked in.
She imediately realized that and quit what she was doing. She shouted a few obcenities at me but went to bed.
I told him, that everything was ok, that she is scared and angry with me about the idea of getting help. On his way back to his room my AW asked him if he wanted to sleep with her tonight "since nobody else gives a $hit about her feelings".
I thought about that for a second. I didn't say anything, and he said sure.
I told him on our way school that I was sorry about waking him up last night, and he said "... that's ok, I was already awake". He really seems to be understanding the "sickness" part of this.
I really don't get the sense that he's mad at her, or me. Of course I am so worried about his fallout from this, but so far he doesn't seem as upset about this as he has been about the stupid fights he has undoubtedly heard about who's going to get the truck tire fixed, or why did I empty the dishwasher instead of helping her wash her car.
I am so proud of him, and his confidence that when I said everything will be fine no matter which way this goes... has really bolstered my courage to stick with this.
I just had to share that with you. It is amazing how black and white it can be for him.
She's sick...
If Dad doesn't stick to this she may never get better...
Everything will be ok, no matter what because we all love each other...
.... and that's it, he is just waiting to see. Gave her a big kiss on his way out to the car this morning, and laughed at the funny guys mowing the median on the way to school with me this morning. Blows me away!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It's funny, I have a 12 yo daughter and she is the oldest so always gets saddled with dealing with the other kids and the A if she is home alone with him. They are like oil and water and don't mix at all.
Anyway, it makes me think about how easy it is to see what's going on when you're not in it. I'm in it and he's in it but the kids even tho they live it are sort of like outside observers. She was releived when we moved out. She tells me constantly please don't go back (we have seperated a few times before). She obviously loves him (stepdad) but just doesn't like living with him. Most of the time I think she gets it better than I do. It's because I am IN it I CHOOSE IT she's an observer who occasionally gets sucked in by no choice of her own. She makes me strong, it is because of her that I left, I couldn't put her through it anymore. I have to remember that EVERY time I think about going back!
Kids are awesome! Just a suggestion RT, but maybe you should keep an eye out on his school work, maybe speak to his home-room teacher to let him/her know what is going on?
My kids went through He** when I got my divorce. Even though they seem to understand, a family break-up affects them tremendesly (sp?). I was in my basement cleaning out old stuff, and read their school work a bit yesterday. They both ended up dropping out of school. I also found notes from the principal (that I obviously hadn't recieved)that they were warned if their work didn't pick up, they would be suspended.
My divorce was a very hateful, bitter one and my ex used the kids against me to 'punish me' for leaving him. They were caught up in the middle of it, the very worst I could ever want for them! My ex even talked my oldest into dropping out of school so he wouldn't have to pay me child support. The youngest moved in with him, but when she realized she was to be the 'maid', moved back with me.
It will be a tremendous change for him, even if his home envrionment at this time is horrible.
You are a pretty level-headed guy, and I know you love your son very much. What I'm trying to get to, is maybe see if there is some kind of counciling at the school for this type of thing or something?
My son and his ex went to a mediator. There were a Physocologist (sp, again) and a lawyer there. They told my son and his ex about things to say and not to say to the kids about the break-up etc. My son was really happy he had gone. His kids are younger, but maybe there is something age-specific?
My kids are grown and on their own now, but I believe that was the worst period in both their lives. Now that they are older, they understand a lot more, and see how much happier I am now.
Anywho.. best of luck to you all. Maybe this will be her wake-up call? Who knows! Myself, being a Mom, couldn't imagine anything worse to happen than to lose my kids, but then again, I am not an A. I can't even imagine choosing a bed over my kids! Just shows how very sick she is.
Take good care of yourself and that great son of yours! Praying that you won't have to go through what my kids and I did, with love, TLC
The kids deal much better with the "real" issues than we do huh? My daughter told my mom that her parents fight all the time about her. I apologized to her after I heard this. I said I would try not to fight with him any longer. She said oh Mom...I don't care if you fight. I was just saying that I knew you were fighting! In all the horrid backstabbing, name calling and emotions that went on through my divorce. My daughter was the one who had the best behavior. I had allot of trouble dealing with the emotions and the stress and the moving. She just took it in stride.
