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I hope you will help me to see this situation more clearly. I feel I am just going round in circles at the moment. My bf has not been drinking for a few weeks now and we are getting on well. He is not on a programme though, and has no intention of staying sober. We have had some good times recently though. I know this is shortlived though. Anyway my dilemma....
My Abf's friend is coming out of a treatment center in two weeks. He has been in there for three months. They have been friends for years, and shared an apartment at college. In my view he only went to treatment to evade the law. He has people chasing him for the crime I believe. Anyway, so there is trouble around him.
I don't like his company anyway. I find him to be sly and underhand and don't like being around him. So, I chose not to be in his company.
Anyway, I have ignored the few conversations recently where he tried to discuss his friends circumstances with me. This morning he insisted on having the conversation with me. Basically, my bf wants to "help him get sorted out!", find somewhere to live (near us!!), find a job etc.
I'm not happy about any of it, but I told him to do whatever he choses but not to involve me in any way. I'm worried about him bringing trouble to my door, scared if I'm honest.
He says he needs me to pick him up from his treatment, and that I should be more willing to help him anyway. He lost his license last year DUI. He says he needs my help now. I'm sure he has been thinking about bringing his friend to my home temporarily, although I have not allowed him even to broach a conversation about this with me.
I'm very uneasy about the whole thing, I feel I'm being used to some degree. I don't want to be nasty or unreasonable. I just feel uncomfortable around this man.
I have even considered the alternative of letting this happen and taking the opportunity to quietly move out myself. (This would be quite easy, I only rent and have no ties to him really!) And I'm sure he wouldn't miss me if he had his life long buddy!
I often feel caught in between people I don't care for and my hubby. Seems like we always come in last place, friends come first, along with the substance.
You need to do whatever makes you comfortable. Whatever you can live with. Your own boundaries. My AH has a couple he is friends with, and I like the guy, but not his wife. She gets under my skin easily. They are both A's, but she is very irritating, loud, obnoxious. They always invite us over, I try to bow out gracefully. Anymore, I think I will just bow out un-gracefully if it comes down to it. I don't owe them any explaination. I don't have the time to spend with people I do love and care about, let alone waste time on people I don't.
As far as moving out, if you tell your bf you don't want the guy there, and it is your apt., just tell them both to move, if that is what you want. I know what you really want is this guy to go away! LOL, we all have A's friends we wish would do that. But, I don't think they ever will. It's part of the package.
A + A's Friends - US = I NEED ALANON!
Wishing you well in finding your needs met. You are the only one who can make that call. Keep coming back. Will keep you in my prayers.
When hubby got out of rehab 2 years ago, I let another friend of his from rehab sleep on the couch for a week until a place was ready for her at the YMCA. While I knew there was nothing between them, I still got used. Eventually she stole from me, enabled him (as did I) and endangered him legally. She left a fake perscription in his car (luckily he found it and shredded it), and then "borrowed" his car one night while she was high. She is now in jail. She tried contacting him, by calling me at work. I was furious! But I passed the number along to him and he tore it up.
I'm always a little leary of his addict friends, recovering or not (they are recovering). Can one ever really trust an addict completely? Listen to your gut. If you're not comfortable with him coming here, or doing things for him, then don't. I know now that I am strong enough to stand my ground. I wasn't then, as I hadn't found Alanon yet. I wanted to be so loving and supportive of hubby's recovery that I said yes to everything. Bad idea! We had very little time together, and when he did relapse, his friends had already relapsed and I didn't know it. It was a nightmare. I shudder when I think of those times.
Perhaps the question you are really trying to figure out is: DO I WANT TO LEAVE? If you are looking for ways to get out, then that's the question you have to ask yourself. If your bf wants to be supportive of his friend, maybe they should get a place together. Hmmm..... that would let you off the hook.
Now I am very careful about what I say yes to involving his friends. Thankfully he has more AA friends who have lots of time behind them and he now balances things out between his AA work and his life with me. He reminds me that I don't have to agree to do things with them or for them. When he gets a bit over zealous about helping someone he asks me to remind him when I think he is going overboard. There's a difference between helping someone and doing everything for them so they don't learn how to stand on their own.
Keep being good to yourself. Stick with your recovery and hopefully your bf's will find his long term sobriety.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your S.O. is an adult. He can find a ride home from rehab.
His buddy is an adult, too. He can take care of himself.
What's bothering me is this idea of "I need help" and he keeps expecting you to give it to him. Who are you? The Dalai Lama? The Guru of all things recovery? You've got your own program to work. Tell your S.O to start making arraingements so that when he leaves rehab to find a place to live, getting rides, all that. You're not his mother, dear. You're his GF. That does not stand for Gratuity Fund. Nor does it stand for Gifting Freeloader.
He's an adult. And after 90 days of rehab, I garentee, he's made enough contacts that he can make it.
thankyou all for your clear talking. just what I needed to hear.
Tiger, You are so so right. I cannot, nor will I break myself in trying to "help " him. Thank you so much for helping me to see. I'm stronger today. I can't believe I was so taken in....must be this **illness! Karilynn, I spend all last night asking myself "do I want to leave...really". Still working on it, but I'm facing the right direction now. Thank you. and Becky, yep, I do just want his friend to just go away. Maybe somewhere in my cody brain I thought this would happen....thanks for the clarity and reality.
But I passed the number along to him and he tore it up. 