The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in awhile. No big drama with my AHsober. We have been separated a year physically; 2 years since he said he wanted out of the marriage. He fades further and further into the background by his choice. He promises to call but forgets. He makes plans to meet and then something better comes up. We still share the finances. We talk about our sons but it bothers me that this is the only reason we talk. I don't want to use them as an excuse to have any kind of relationship. He seems to be sinking into his addictions. He started smoking again, he plays computer games, procrastinates at work, watches movies.
I have lived alone a year. I know I can survive and do what needs to be done. It is time to get more wood for the fire. I had my sons help me this summer to get a head start. I call friends or family when I have a sinking spell. I talk to my sponsor if I can't make a f2f meeting. I exercise regularly and try to eat well. I try not to bug my sons and only call them once a week. My soldier should be home Nov1 after a year overseas. I don't cry every morn and every night anymore when I come home to an empty house.
But I just feel so empty. I feel that I am just going thru the motions of living. I should be proud of myself for not self destructing after my H left. I set some goals and accomplished almost every one of them. I guess I just feel so betrayed after all those years together. Alanon says to encourage and respect the A. I try. We had a family gathering this weekend for a relative that is ill. We starting talking about our families and alcoholism and it's impact. My AHsober's family makes a joke about everything. My sister-in-law finally said to my AHsober, don't you realize that your wife is in pain about this. He said nothing.
I would like to own my life and not merely survive what has happened. I feel so helpless because I didn't choose this scenario. I have thought that maybe I should file for divorce but I can't find a benefit in this for myself. I think most of all I have so much to be grateful for and I can't seem to live it.
Well, that is where I am tonight. Thanks for listening.
I would like you to share with us those great accomplishments you have made. Don't gloss over them. You filled us in on what the A is still doing and so I feel that is holding you back a little. Remember you are only part way through the grieving process. It may take more than a year to get through this. Keep up what you are doing and make sure you are providing yourself with things that are enjoyable for you as a single entity. Be it going for a walk, reading a book etc. I don't know whether you have a pet or are allowed to where you live but I think their company is better than people most of the time. They are fiercely loyal and never let you down. Keep your chin up, everyday that you get up is another day the sun is shining on you and HP is looking out for you. Luv Leo xxx
Hello nancy , I believe you are grieving your loss it takes time don't be impatient with yourself, This too shall pass.
Perhaps your in the How do u manage when there is no one left to manage ? stage of your recovery , we give everyone we love back their lives but forget to get on with ours.
When faced with the question myself my sponsor replied { well dear now U get a life } hmmmm intersting thought . Keep on truckin nancy u will get there . Reach out to your friends and let them help u get back on track. goodluck Louise
Ever read the book of meditations called: More on the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie? It's been a great help to me. I try to read them everyday in the morning. It centers me for the day.
We all grieve for once was. That's okay. The ending of a relationship is like a death in the family. Grieve for it. Say goodbye to it. Make your peace with it.
Just think in a few short weeks, you will be able to hold your soldier son and give him all the hugs you want! Enjoy your time with him. Thank him for me, for his brave service to our country.
I agree with Leo, let's hear about those accomplishments. YOU GO GIRL! Stand up and be proud of them. You will find your way, and you will own your life. This I thoroughly believe. Look how far you have come. I for one, have always taken great delight in seeing your posts. You have taught me so much.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Nancy, have you considered that uou've just ended a mmajor side of your life? It's okay to hurt over that. If you need to, consult a professional. In the meantime, I think one of the best things I've done in this painful transitional period I'm in, I guess I just feel like getting involved in my community has been the best thing for me. I keep working the steps with my sponsor. I do alot of journaling. And alot of praying.
I have started and stopped several replies to you. I want to say something that will help, you have been so much help to me,I just don't know what to say.
I too am feeling the emptiness.I still love my AHsober.I finally admitted that yesterday to myself and to him.We had a long talk last night and the end result is that now we both know I still love him, but he just does not feel the same.He wants freedom to do as he pleases.He sees me as trying to run his life.I have been controlling, I see that now.But I cannot undo what I have already done.
I would never have broken up the marriage, I would have kept trying to fix it and him.I probably would not have gone back to Alanon if he hadn't done this.I was not getting better, I was getting worse.I was having fits of rage from the stress of trying to control too much and people pleasing.
So I am getting better and so are you.The emptiness is there because we have to put something in place of what we lost.I spent alot of time obsessing over him.That's gone now so I have to replace that with something.I have thought about getting a dog.I have thought about volunteer work.
My sister and I had a conversation on my birthday about the hole we have in our souls.We realized that when we give to or help another (not in a codependent way, but from true caring) it fills the hole.We have love to give and we need to give it.She works at a hospital,does cleaning.There was an elderly lady brought in and she had been there all day,my sister had passed her room several times.One time the lady's daughter was there wiping the woman's forehead.My sister thought that it could be her and my mom.It touched something in her.When my sister went by another time the lady was alone.She went in and said to her " it's been a long day hasn't it?".The lady started talking to her and just unloaded.My sister just sat down and listened.She said it filled her hole.She didn't do that much but it was a way of giving of herself.
I think we need that.I was filling my hole (trying to) with what I thought was loving my husband.Taking care of him and the house,the bills,trying to make him happy.I think what it really did was distract me from the fact that I did have an emptiness that was not being filled.It cannot be filled that way.Only real love,and giving which comes from God (or whoever your HP is) can fill that.I think Alanons are very loving people.We want so much to give our love but we end up depleting ourselves because we give it to people who are incapable of giving anything back.
I guess I did have something to say after all.This has helped me.I hope you got something from it.I will put your name in my God box and say a prayer for you.Keep going, Nancy, you are doing great.It's a tough road but there is light along the way.
