The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It reminds me of when my youngest son was starting to sleep in his own room by himself. He stalled, and cried, and screamed and it was absolutely heart wrenching. But, you know he wasn't in pain, he just didn't want to be in there. Doesn't mean he wasn't terrified at the time.
Translate that to a 38 year old mother of 2 who has the option of inpatient treatment for her addiction or the responsability of life on her own, and I am seeing the same behavior. There is no doubt that her mental pain is real. And it is just as heart wrenching.
She is torn. She acturally asked yesterday if the treatment center took our insurance, which it does. (I asked them) And this morning she said she had decided to go. That lasted about 8 minutes before she began making plans for marriage counceling again and getting very defensive.
I made it clear again that I am not looking at other solutions right now. And sobriety is the only thing I am considering because it shows a begining. Anything else is the same old cycle and I can't do that any more.
It never ceases to amaze me what a persons right to their addiction can mean to them.
Trying to stay out of the way of her thrashing around, but it is a struggle.
Just venting a bit. You are likely to get bored with my story before long.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is so so tough to see this. When have they had enough? No one knows, we just don't. I am so proud of you for taking a stance. I know that you are praying that this will make her want recovery, but also you are protecting your boys and yourself, and you will find peace to take a break from this chaos.
The disease is so powerful. My AH has had two DUIs over the past 15 years, you would think that ONE would shock anyone into thinking they might have a problem.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can tell you that it took a pretty serious shock to make me realize that I could endanger someone or kill someone. I believe God opened the door to shock me into recovery. I had no idea what damage I had done to my family and my kids. That is the hardest thing to swallow is that if I would have been sober more often, I would have raised my stepkids so differently. I just thought it was good enough to be there because their mother wasn't. I would have been so much more caring and really emotionally "there" for them. The important thing is to try to be there for them now, and recovery programs teach you how to relieve yourself of the guilt, to turn it over.
This disease has such a horrible rippling effect to the family. I'm sorry you are there, seeing her pain, when you know there is a good good person inside there. That's what kills me. You know they don't mean the things they do. You know they are great people, that is why you married her!
We are here to lift each other up. HP has a plan for you, RT and your family. As I read the other day, the world turns very well without my help. I have to remember that and take my hands off, hands off....let her have the dignity to pick up her pieces. You are doing this with love.
Heidi, you are so right. She is in pain, she is shocked that I would really insist on seperation even though she doesn't want it. She is hurt that I won't consider other things now, which we have tried and failed at.
I think that is part of our disease. We see the thorn in their paw and want to pull it out and be the hero. (Or I do anyway) She simply doesn't want it out.
The problem is her suggestions sound rational to other people, but they are things that we do need to do... after she is sober.
I hate this for her, but it is causing pain in way more than just her. I can't make her take that thorn out, but I can maybe keep our son from having to watch her walk around on it 24/7. And hopefully help him understand that it's not his thorn either.
I read in ODAT today about life without your HP is like swirling around in the wind with no direction. At least with this particular thing I don't feel that way, so I am making some headway.
It is just amazing.
-- Edited by rtexas at 17:44, 2006-10-10
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Just wanted to add my 2 cents. Don't think there is any one person in here who would ever be "bored" with someone else's situation, so keep posting whenever you feel the need (or whenever you just want to). That's what this is all about, supporting one another.
On a personal note, I wish I had your backbone. Insisting that the A get sober, and being willing to follow through with a plan if they don't takes courage (that I haven't found to this day). Best of luck to you, in whatever happens.
Yes recovery is a horrendous road. Ours isn't easy, but neither is their's. I have seen the struggle with the relapses and on and on. My AH suffers not only from alcoholism, but super anxiety, spinning thoughts as well as other things. I am thankful he has his mental health sessions as well as AA. For him they go hand in hand. It breaks my heart to see them struggling not only with their addiction, but with the mental health issues as well. Through medication and counceling he has not only maintain 5 months sobriety but his other issues are getting better as well. His biggest breakthrough came this year when he finally realized that an addict really only has 2 choices: sobriety or death. If he drinks, he's dead. He can't land in jail or in an instistution because if he drinks again he will die. I knew that 2 years ago, but he didn't. I couldn't make him see it, he had to find it out for himself.
I hope and pray that your wife will realize it without the struggle my hubby went through. Hopefully if she goes into rehab she will be able to get counceling as well. Meanwhile take good care of yourself and your boys. Don't give up on her, but keep focused on your recovery as well. Because when she does recover (I am the eternal optimist) you will need your program more than ever.
Love and blessings to you and your family. So glad you are part of our MIP family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Keep talking all you need to. We will continue to listen and to be here for you.
Keep up the good work and take care of you. Your motives are in the right place and I know it is so very hard to stay firm on a decision that we make that our partners don't necessarily agree with. I know for me, I was constantly caving on my "stands" and bending to the will or desire of others.
We are learning a new way to be. And that scares the others around us. But that's okay, fear isn't always a bad thing...sometimes, it is a great motivator.
It takes courage to think change. It takes courage to affect change. It takes courage to continue to press the change.
I pray for you and your wife both to have the courage it takes to bring about the changes in your lives that will lead to happiness for both of you.
I had someone tell me recently "DON"T pity him." I was a little hurt by this because as our fantasy is quickly falling apart the reality is hurting my A and I am hurting for him. It's just such a fine line ..... I know that if I feel or even look too much then I'll want to make it better, because I hate to see his pain. For me it's watching someone lose any bit of control that they thought they had and I see fear. Things are changing and all the old things aren't working.
I've been reminded many times that if they aren't allowed to feel their pain, they'll never seek help. That by letting him face reality, I'm showing a stronger love. It's a hard thing to do.
Just remember that you are doing this for you, not your A. Do what is best for you. Leave the outcome to your HP.
Please, Please don't ever feel like we are tired of hearing your story - your story is the same as mine only the names and a few minor details have been changed . . .
You post, our MIP family responds and I get to read and join in the share that is what helps my path of recovery - Thank you for helping me today!! I really mean that more than you can ever know today!!
Thank you so very much for this heartfelt share. I am always ready to share words of encouragement for others, but not so easy to share when there are difficulties in my life and relationships. Secrets are what keep us locked in our pain. Getting get out helps - I probably should take my own suggestions a little more!!
Hope your day is blessed in a very special way,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You both are in my thoughts and prayers. It is a painful struggle for both. Its painful to watch a person try and rationalize out this disease. There is no rational explanation, its just sickness and chaos that have reaked havok on the mental perceptions and thoughts. My A still questions his own validity and thoughts at times because he never stopped to think about what direction to take, he just let life lead him by the nose, instead of grabbing a hold of the reigns and steering in the direction he truly wanted to go. Some days he can be so confused about what direction to take and he'll ask what should I do. Just remember one day or one minute at a time, you will get through this. Your AW will eventually make a choice or she will leave the choice up to you because she just can't face the choices before her. Stay strong, and keep sharing your recovery with us.
Progress Not Perfection,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
