The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started Alanon in 1977 but haven't been active in the last few years. I was pretty active in the organization for about 20 years. My husband died about 7 years ago. He had been sober for about 22 years. Alanon literally saved my sanity. Here I am again faced with my son's alcohol problem. I know what I need to do but I have been hiding my head in the sand hoping it will go away.
Right now I just feel really bad about myself. Those old feelings have come back to haunt me. My daughter hasn't spoken to me in 3 years and I made the mistake of reading a blog she has on the internet where I have been portrayed as a complete monster. Couple that with my son's drinking and I have begun to question my complete competence as a person and especially as a parent. Intellectually I know I am not responsible or my son's alcoholism nor do I know why my daughter quit speaking to me. All I know is I feel bad and I can't seem to pick myslef up this time
If you know exactly what the next right thing is to do, why are you avoiding it?
You are not the only one hurting here. This is a family hurting--evidenced by your daughter's online journaling and your son's disease. It also sounds like you're still grieving your husband's passing--have you considered going to a meeting and picking up some service work? A sponsor to re-work steps with? Getting a journal and a work book on grief?
Grief is a selfish emotion. But living is an interdependent solution. You found the solution once. Maybe it's time to do it again.
I am so sorry for the feelings you have right now. You know there is a phrase that someone threw out when I first got here that really stuck with me.
"... your opinion of me is none of my business."
I am sorry you read those things in that blog. Emotions can be really trecherous and it could be your daughter is fighting some other demon. Just like the A, she may be lashing out randomly and unfortunately we are prime targets.
You have been in the program far longer than I have, and you must know deep down that getting busy means getting better.
Many of the concepts of Al-anon I used to have ingrained in me somehow from other sources. Over the years of dealing with my AW and ASon, I just simply got out of the habbit of trusting myself. I constantly felt horrable for knowing the right thing to do, and then doing something else. I was dazed with self-doubt I guess.
But getting really serious about the program has really helped. I am far from "fixed" <LOL> ... but I can tell I am doing more right than wrong these days according to my ulcer. And I am better able to forgive myself for those bad days.
I grew up praying the same prayer every night:
God thank you for all the blessings you have given me this day,
I pray that you will forgive me for things I have done that have hurt others,
I pray your blessings on my family and friends and all those that need your help so badly,
Help me to be the best person I can be each and every day.
One day I just stopped praying, and my life had spun out of control since. Coincidence? Maybe, but not to me. When I started in the program, I found I really had to get back in touch with my HP. Wasn't sure he remembered me.
I was just beside myself one day and sitting in my back yard, I just started to pray, and those words came out of my mouth like magic. Like an old friend.
Sometimes people just forget what's right, but there are a lot of friends here that can help you remember. I have already bet my life on it.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so sorry you had to read that blog of your daughters. Unfortunately that is the society that the next generation has been brought up in, that everything is "mom's" fault usually, sigh.
My grown daughter has the tendency to do that to me too, only I won't have it. I tell her that I too blamed my mom for a LOT when I was a kid, but now that I have raised my own daughter I see firsthand how difficult it is. I see how my Mom did the best she could and knew to do at that time. She was not perfect and niether am I and niether is my DAUGHTER. I tell her that if she had been a perfect daughter, never got sick, never talked back, never did anything wrong, made perfect grades in school, never gained weight, never needed things I could barely afford, etc. then I could have been a perfect Mom, LOL.
I told her that I will not listen to any criticism she has of me UNTIL she has raised her own daughter to adulthood with the success that I have done so. I told her that until that time, if I am so awful and have done things so terribly wrong then why doesn't she "escape" from me? She is grown and has choices and one of those choices can be to cut me off if I am so awful. Incidentally, I have already apologized to my Mom for the harshness with which I judged her and thanked her for all of her efforts, LOL.
This has pretty much nipped this harsh judgmental approach in the bud as it should have been.
I am sure you have made mistakes, I have too, but I tell my daughter that through it all I loved her as much as humanly possible and that any mistakes I made were due to imperfection and NOT because I did not love her enough. That is clear even to her so that has helped her to have a kinder view of where I did make mistakes, such as marrying the A.
I know a lot of people here complain about their Mom's a lot, LOL, but few of them are mothers of grown children themselves, that sort of changes your perception I think, you see how no matter how hard you tried your best, you still made mistakes since you are HUMAN. That helps you to forgive your own Mom's mistakes.
I once read that we teach our children how to treat us when we are old by how we treat our own elderly parents. This has helped me to be much kinder and patient with my Mom, I realize that I am teaching my own daughter how to train her own children to view me.
Don't beat yourself up. No parent is perfect. I am sorry your daughter does not speak to you, but maybe you are better off to not have all of that venom spewed at you up close and personal.
Your son being an A is not your fault either, although he and she also may blame you. That is the nature of addiction, it is always someone else's fault.
My husband was an A long before I met him, yet it is still my fault in his eyes...sigh...you just happen to be a more convenient target.
Take care of YOU!
The healthier you get the more likely it will be a good example to them. Try to leave the door open...and be gracious should your daughter ever come around.
