The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
if i kept sticking my finger in a light socket and it hurt, i would stop. the relationship with my A feels like a light socket that i've been sticking my finger into over and over. ow. ow. ow. i don't want to stick my finger into it anymore. i'm almost afraid to contact him because i know what waits for me there--loneliness, frustration, fear. i need to remember that. i wouldn't keep touching a hot stove if it burned me over and over again.
i've got so much tolerance for emotional pain. trying to make right all of those childhood relationships--if i save daddy then we'll all be happy. ugh.
still!! i love him and i want us to be healthy together. i can't save him and relinquishing control is so hard. i have to save myself. don't i? please pray for me.
Sounds like your on the right road for you. I like the light bulb and stove analogy. Some of us just can't think that clear at times. I know it hurts and I am sorry for your pain. Your in the right place to help you with that pain.
How do we know when their recovery will stick?? There are relapses and attempts at active recovery then a relapse. During a relapse I just know I'm done for good, then the recovery and I think-"what if I give up now and he's in recovery and turns this hell around?" How do we know when to give up?
My A is very clear on the fact that alcohol is killing him and all he loves. Yet, sometimes he drinks anyway--Does anyone have any insight on this question? And you are right, we do have to save ourselves.
You and your HP are the only two that know what is right for you.
I hope you find what works for you, sadly we don't know what works for our "A"s. I know for me if I tried to figure that out I would spend my life confused as he knows what works for recovery, but continues to turn his back on it.
Keep coming back, and know that you are strong.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
The good news is you "get it", now you just have to work it. One thing that may give you a little peace, you said, " i can't save him and relinquishing control is so hard".
You got the first part right, you can't save him, but you never had control over him or his drinking, so there is no need to give that up. That's one less thing on your list :)
Control is really just an illusion. The only place it exists is in our heads, along with the committee that creates our "stinkin thinkin" and a host of other wrong ideas that we've grown to think are the right thing to do. Fire the committee!!! We've got your back :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - that was insanity and that was my life.
Do whatever it takes to remember you deserve to be Happy, Joyous and Free - if it takes posting signs on your mirror in the bathroom, on your computer, in your car - and then just take life One Day at a Time.
Hoping you will rest in the peace of the knowledge that you and your HP will be ok, even better than OK!!
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
How do we know when their recovery will stick?? There are relapses and attempts at active recovery then a relapse. During a relapse I just know I'm done for good, then the recovery and I think-"what if I give up now and he's in recovery and turns this hell around?" How do we know when to give up?
We need to do what is best for ourselves whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. For me, that means not riding the roller coaster of someone else's additiction. If we hitch our wagon to a Higher Power, the ride gets better.
thank you all for your support. i am so up and down right now but still (amazingly) have the resolve to keep myself safe and sane by staying off of the roller coaster. i notice that i minimize and rationalize the drinking when i'm away from him. does anyone else do this? hmm, he's not drinking 30 beers a day or blacking out--he only has like 8-10 drinks a day and only 5 days a week. a lot of people do that. he has no dui's (probably because he doesn't drive). he is not constantly drunk. however, i must remember, the relational impact of the drinking has been severe--he is withdrawn from me, lacks enthusiasm, is depressed, doesn't show affection (i can't remember the last time he asked me to come over). when i'm with him i feel alone. and bored actually. it is boring to hear about the depression and the drinking and the pain. i am not getting what i need. i am not getting what i need. my mantra.
