The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you think it is not such a good thing to let the A know that you are in AL-ANON? I ask this because I am just getting back into meetings and at this time my A is not aware of that. While I know he'll drink no matter what if he's so compelled and my going to meetings doesn't matter to him any more than his can matter much to me at this time, he is defifnitely aware of my own issues. But I do wonder if my going to my own meetings might at least give him food for thought. He's already gone to AA many times before and always ended up drunk even if he hasn't had a drink for a while. He doesn't go anymore for whatever reason or excuse he may have. But he always walked away without losing everything he learned. Thanks for your opinion.....jaja
I think that the answer to this depends on your own situation. Some of those who come here are afraid that letting the A know about alanon would just lead to real trouble, others find it works out OK. I would advise against using your attendance at alanon to manipulate the A in any way - don't try to use it as a way to lead the A to AA - it will backfire as most attempts to force solutions do. If it is natural for you to share with your A what you are doing, then share this. If your relationship is such that this could be held against you, and maybe make your life harder to live, then maybe don't. It's up to you.
From my own experience only. I had to be very upfront with my A about my meetings. It is an honesty program and the honesty starts with me. He felt very threatened by me going. He just knew they were convincing me to leave him and filling my head with all sorts of stuff. Couldn't have been the case at all.
My attending meetings, (and I started in AA due to not having any Alanon in my area) were making such a difference in me and the way I handled things. It seemed each time I would go he get upset or throw a fit, and once pushed me down the garage steps. I would still go. The more he gripped, the more I would tell him to just go with me so he could see what the meetings were all about. Eventually, I did leave him. I had started going to try to save our relationship and change the anguish in my life. I ended the relationship with clear thinking. It was just the next right thing to do. No matter how hard I worked my program, I couldn't seem to stop the sickness between us two. That is just me. I know many, many people who have made it through it and some still have active A's. It just boiled down to how much was I willing to tolerate for myself and my children.
As far as your A attending AA and having gone to meeting and then "back out". He never sat down in the chair to begin with. It is one thing to go and listen, even share. Ofcourse, you can leave a meeting with something to think about. Somewhere between, obtaining a sponsor, working the steps in the order they are presented, and getting honest with yourself is where most people tend to sit in the chair all the way. Him sitting in the chair isn't going to happen until he is ready and sometimes it may never happen.
What matters most....no matter what, is that people like you and I continue with a program of recovery. We are just as sick as the A and sometimes more. Our thinking is deeply distorted. What may seem normal to us.....just isn't normal at all. This program gives us the chance to get healthy.
Safety is our first concern - will your well-being be at stake if he knows you are going to meetings? I do believe in honesty in all our affairs - Many women have said they attending to deal with childhood issues whose mates didn't want them attending Al-Anon because of his drinking. The A's easily agree that her family is messed up!! (HA! yeah because they don't like his drinking )
Not all A's are violent, maybe yours isn't. For me, Al-Anon is about me doing my part to make my home peaceful while still keeping my self-respect.
Just my Experience, strength & hope,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
For me, alanon is part of what I do "for me". I have spent so many years having my activities mocked and made fun of (he called my employment "my hobby I CALL a "job") I simply had had enough.
My husband knows nothing about the fact that I am so involved in alanon, and I like it that way. What he does not know about cannot become a source of arguments and insults, right?
I am not sneaking around behind his back either, I don't go to F2F meetings as I could not explain my absence. I am not talking about lying here, just being discreet. So, if he found out and asked me I would be honest, but try to be discreet so he has nothing to ask about.
Although I keep hearing dire predictions that online alanon supposedly does not work (Sigh) I have found that it works GREAT! I have made a LOT of progress and my life is light years better than it was before online alanon.
My "A" knows about my program and my schedule with my program. He knows the meetings that I attend (as I depend on him to watch the kids so that I can go to a f2f) and in fact even in active addiction has been really considerate of my attending meetings. He remains clean and sober so that I will feel safe in leaving the kids in his hands, and then moment I get back he does his thing. He knows about my chairing meetings here at MIP and is again considerate when I am in chat. LOL, he still thinks everytime I log into the chat room that I am in a meeting. I have tried to explain to him about the schedule and open chat, but he doesn't get it.
To tell him is your choice. And you and HP know the answer to your question.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
My dad knew that my mom was going to Alanon, although I don't think he really understood what it was all about. He thought - as I did at the time - that Alanon was some kind of "how to get a divorce" workshop.
When I first got sober in AA, I encouraged my wife at the time to go to Alanon. She didn't get it. She thought it was a great program for "people who need it", but didn't include herself.
It's in the alcoholic's self-centered nature to assume their spouse/parent/whatever is going to Alanon for _them_. As we read in every meeting, we are here because of the alcoholic, not for the alcoholic. An active alcoholic isn't likely to comprehend the difference, and when our own lives are so wrapped up in the A, the very concept of something for me may be a new sensation.
And a scary one. Being responsible for our own pain can seem overwhelming - but we've already been dealing with the self-inflicted pain of the As in our lives. The bad news is we are responsible for our own pain. The good news is, we aren't responsible for the A's pain. Or all the others he inflicts it upon.
It just entered my mind last night about letting him know. I had already decided on regular Al-Anon for myself after he left and since he is gone, he wouldn't know anyway. But if he were here, I know he wouldn't try to stop me (and he has never been physically abusive); in fact, it's not hard for me to imagine him saying something sarcastic like "good. You need it" or saying it and meaning it but not out of concern for me getting better......But because we were civil and nice to each other the other day, and because neither of us has closed the door on this relationship, I have it on my mind to tell him. One reason is because when he was going to AA, I'd tell him it was a good thing (secretly thinking "Thank God. You need it") but he knew I wasn't going to Al-Anon or anything. Now I'm thinking that telling him will give atmosphere for being able to talk. He may already be in AA again for all I know. I don't know what way I'll go with this yet. Maybe I'll tell him maybe I won't. Guess I'll sit on it some more....
As long as you're not in danger, than the choice is yours. I told my A. He said good, but that didn't stop him from drinking. Now that he is sober, we remind each other about getting to meetings. While we stay out of each other's recovery programs, we both have the minds of a sieve! He didn't really seem to care that I was doing meetings, except in those rare times when we would argue and he was drunk. That was my mistake, arguing with with a drunk. Now I know better. On ocassion, we now attend open AA meetings together when are schedules work. You never know if and when he hears something in AA that it might stick. Here's hoping that it does for him. Meanwhile enjoy your meetings.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
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