The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After my last post, I took in all the great responses and realized I was kidding myself if I could practice ignoring the ill-behavior of my A. I love the principals of alanon. I tried to work on myself and enjoy my life even if my A was still actively "alcoholish." But after this weekend of disrespectfulness and drunkenness, I can't tolerate living together any more. I may not be able to put up with the relationship all together. It's been 6 years of riding the roller coaster. I want off.
I told my A if he'd like to give up his alcoholic/drug abusing lifestyle and go back to rehab(yes, we've done that before) I'd be supportive. But if he chooses to stay in his disease, he must leave and not have any contact with me again. I haven't gotten an answer...or even a response for that matter. But I do know, I want him out of my house if he wants to continue to use/drink.
I cancelled our couple's therapy for tomorrow...and went to talk to my indiv. therapist today. I asked her to help me break up...stay strong...and remember I can't "fix" this. I also played a message he left me last week when he was wasted and realized I picked my car up from the bar...so he wouldn't be able to drive my vehicle drunk. He was in a rage. The reason I played it for her is so someone else could remind me how insane this situation had gotten. I felt embarrassed after she listened to his rants and raves and threats because he didn't have a way home from the bar. She looked at me sort of pitifully. Then she said...this is abuse. You shouldn't tolerate this anymore.
I need help seeing the forest through the trees...because I get blinded by his good looking charm and cool wit when he's sober...But when a man drinks 20 drinks/beer per day, smokes pot during his lunch break and binges on drugs on the weekend...it's all going to dissappear quick.
I'm fortunate. I have a great career, we are not married, and I don't have kids to him. Getting him out of my house will be a chore.
You've got a lot of clarity. You are doing amazing. Keep us close by and you begin these processes. We will laugh with you, cry with you, be your strength when you need. The only way to the other side is through it. You sound very strong right now, for today, great job building on that and keeping reminders of what you don't need in your life.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Do you journal? If so then print out your post and keep it - When he turns on that charm and good looks, read your post again or listen to that message. Remember you are too special of a person to be abused. No one deserves that.
Hope that you will continue to take care of you - Try to do something especially nice just for you today,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
If you really want to get him out and fast you can get a DV restraining order based on the abuse/threats of harm. They will serve him and he won't be able to come back to your house. At least that's how it worked for me when I kicked my ex out a few years ago. They saw his drug abuse as abuse in general. They called it a kick out order. I had gotten it days before but was losing strength (I know what you mean about staying strong) and then I walked in and saw him with the needle in his hand about to shoot up. He left right away and I had him served by the police at his sister's house. After that he was supposed to have NO contact. That made it a lot easier to stay strong. Just a piece of my experience for you hope it helps in some way.
PS they are all smooth talking persuaders they have to be to get by acting like this!
I am in a similar position to yourself, not married, no real commitments together, and can't seem to get away from him either. Sometimes he doesn't drink for a few weeks and things are good for a while. (During this time I fool myself that I am in a happy relationship!) Then he starts again. He's usually very cranky, all the usual in the lead up to the binge.
I can't go on living like this. I know that, yet I seem to lack the strength or know how of how to shift him. Maybe I don't know what I want really.
Hearing your story is like holding a mirror up to my own life. I hope you have more strength and direction than I seem to have.
