The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This was a long, hard weekend. I have learned a lot though. Thanks for all your posts and prayers to my last post about me hitting the wall.
I keep hearing these Alanon "helpful hints" from others, and am realizing more every day how much I need this program. My expectations of having this fun-filled family oriented weekend with my sister and bro in law really screwed me up. See, they live in Colorado, my daughter, my husband (not my daughter's dad) and I live in Ohio. So, we don't get to see each other often. My hub and daughter (age 30) have been on the outs with each other every since Jan. of 2005 when hubby was arrested for dom. violence and our lives all became a mess. The alcohol had invaded our "happy" family. Daughter is married and does not live at home.
Anyway, I was so looking forward to seeing my sis and bro in law, and wanted everyone to go out to lunch together. Daughter refused to go. I got upset. I should not have. As I was told my an Al-anoner, she was just setting boundaries for herself. I should have been proud of her, not mad.
So, I have learned : expectations will bite me in the butt everytime
I should not be taking my daughter's inventory, or trying to control her feelings, she is an adult, she has been hurt by alcoholism of my husband. She is a loving and forgiving person, but she stands her ground when she needs to.
I should not have expected my husband to behave like a "normal" person, when it was probably too much to ask of him to go to dinner with my family. After all, my sis and bro in law are not alcoholics. So, how could I even expect him to be comfortable at dinner. That was unreasonable on my part.
I got my feelings hurt so much this weekend, when daughter refused to go to lunch with us, when husband began to bad-mouth my daughter to me, when husband left while I was crying and drove off to go to the Drunken Baby Shower, when husband did not show up for our dinner reservations after we had waited on him.
I made a fool of myself throwing a big crying fit, and punching the wall I had just painted.
I am better today, but worn out from Saturday. Yesterday (Sunday) was a good day though. Hubby hadn't come home Sat. night, he stayed at the Drunken Baby Shower, so I drove to sis's campground where they were staying, picked her up and we went shopping, then back to the trailer, where my daughter met us, and we had cherry pie and coffee, played with sis' 2 dogs and cat, then went home about 9:30 pm, and hubby was home in bed. Go figure. So, I got into bed, went to sleep, got up and went to work. Have not talked to him since Sat. morning.
I hate all the damage alcohol has done to so many people. The devastation it leaves in its wake. It is like a hurricane tearing a wide path of destruction across so many lives of innocent people. Uprooting lives, tearing wives and husbands and children apart from one another. Twisting the truth, breaking precious belongings, leaving pain and sorrow everywhere. I know I can never leave this program, or I will die, probably from a broken heart. At least here, when it breaks, I can get help to patch it up.
Thank you all for being here. Sorry this is so meandering, but I am still a little shakey from the meltdown I had on Sat. Left me feeling sick and shaken. I am at the library now, but when I get home, I'm going to get a snack, then go to bed. I don't have the strength to face my husband tonight. I need to rest and regroup, so I can start over tomorrow, God willing.
The wonderful thing about our program is that we get to start over. We learn to forgives ourselves and grow from our mistakes. Remember the sun always comes out. Perhaps HP was trying to tell you something. Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself time to heal. You're a good woman with a strong heart and mind. I'm glad you're part of my family.
Love and blessings to you and the kitties.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks, Kari. And you ought to see my sis' kitty. His name is #1. They live on a ranch in Colorado, and he's an indoor/outdoor kitty. Due to the coyotes and stuff on the ranch, they were afraid when they first got him to get really attached, thus the name #1. Next, they thought they would have #2, #3, etc. However, they love the little guy, he looks just like my cat Sidney, grey and white, with a raccoon tail, and black eyeliner, white sock feet. But he weighs about 1/4 what Sidney does.
On their trip from Colorado, to Nebraska, across the top of the U.S. to Pennsylvania, Maine, here to Ohio, then Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, then home to Colorado, they have #1 traveling with them. And he loves it.
Thanks to all for the ESH. Kari, you are the bestest!
Thanks for sharing. I, too, had a family get together planned for this weekend. Mine usually go much like you expressed--me in the middle trying to control and justify everyone elses feelings. I usually end up exhausted and upset.
This weekend (for the first time) I was able to be at peace as family from all directions came to my home in support of my son who just turned 12 who was advancing in position in our church. This was a big deal for me. I had lots of talks with myself before anyone got there about letting each have their own lives and their own problems. I told myself that if they came that would be good and if they didn't that would be fine too. I figured there would be some kind of blow-up but I was going to do my best to let it be.
Thanks to God, the weekend went well--not perfect--bu well. I actually enjoyed visiting with everyone and didn't feel I had to be responsible for their feelings. If they go this well in the future I may even enjoy having parties.
I am glad that your Sunday went well. Peace comes in small pieces sometimes.
Becky you know I care about you a lot. You have always shared so honeslty. Also you have been there for me.
I want to say a couple things, experience stuff. For me, I want to be positive about as much as anyone could be.
Would say, I will take my own inventory,not anyone elses. I will take things as they come with my loved ones, even my a. Taking one day, one hour, whatever it takes, at a time. I will let go and let hp, and accept what is.
I will enjoy life, my loved ones no matter what. I will take responsibility for my own actions, and will make sure to let love guide me.
If others have a disease that caused strife, I know I in no way can control that. I will hang onto my own serenity and build myself strong and stay close to hp.
Does this make sense hon?
I forgive myself for letting my pain and anger out on the poor wall. lol Should have gotten a baseball bat and.... NOT REALLY lol lol
I want YOU my friend to lighten up. Tea, salsa or a fist, eh, someday you will laugh I promise.
Do mean it though. "I don't blame myself at all for hitting the wall, I am imperfect and learned from it." Next time, since I am only responsible for me, I won't have to react at all. Serenity will pop in.
The serenity prayer girl!! Accept what you cannot change. Take a breath and know it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Look away shrug your shoulders. I said, "sure sucks to be you." a lot. Mostly under my breath. I also say a lot, "wow, I sure would not want to feel like that." Or "well you must feel that way, hmmm might be true."
It is up to us to lighten things up. We come here and somebody who loves us, reminds us of that. Wow lotsa us's there. lol
So ask if anyone has a piece of sheet rock so you don't have to buy a whole sheet, get some tape, and some mud and then ya sand it. Then ya gotta texture it like the rest of the wall. There is some you can spray. Also if it is a wavy pattern, you can crumple up a plastic bag. practice to get the right texture....Well I am sure you won't do it yourself. But it is not hard to do. Of course i did not tell ya everything becuz this boring..hahaha
My A and I did a whole house, and lotsa remodels too. I liked it all but the sanding. That is a cruel thing.
anyhooo be nice to you for petes sake. Be light on you.
love,debilyn who once beat her boyfriends car with an umbrella when she caught him cheating at a football game with someone.....shaking head,
Dear Lady, there is not a thing you sad in your post that I can't relate to....living with any kind of addiction drugs or alcohol, kills the family...it puts holes in our hearts and very souls...the thing is Becky we have the power to sew them up and not let them get torn again...finding that power is a whole other world....but Dear Lady it is doable...I am living proof...my heart aches for my husband...I miss him..but if I think about it really, I have been missing him and life for a very long time now....
I am so proud of your daughter, after all...I see tha pain on my two teenagers faces....Just look at the wonderful day you had without the A around...no addiction to worry about..wow....
I am sending you prayers dear lady to find the peace you need....
Well for me the family stuff is very very hard. My plans right now for all the holidays are to work work work. I will never again set myself up to cook and prepare a feast for the A. I would be setting myself up for tremendous disappointment and I have had a lifetime of disappointment, bitter resentment and anger with him. I don't need anymore.
So I would say look at how you set yourself up for disappointment. I wanted tremendously to get along with his mother and brother. I know my limitations these days. I would not go to the reception if you paid me to. I chose to bow out. I know this caused some resentment on his part because he would definitely like me to play a role in his life to act as if he had a family that gave a fig. But I have given to the A till i am bled dry and I have no more to give. And certainly seeing his mother is too much to bear for me. A's do this whole idealization/devalue thing. If you say something is really important to you they will surely find a way to mess it up. That is the A around any holiday that is important to me. But for other people he would give his right arm,drive thousands of miles, stay up all night, obsess and praise to the limit. I am sure he put on a great great show yesterday at the wedding reception he was gone 8 hours doing whatever. I chose not to go see it. I also chose not to go be ignored by his mother. Why put myself through that?
I think it is incredibly hard to see and know that the A's cannot and will not meet our needs. I know full well it is nearly impossible to get anything out of the A but the bare bare minimum. Right now he is playing the he is working night and day card (yet he has not got one penny!!!). I let that go why ask. I know where the money is going to some substance or another. I expect very very very little from him. That is a way to not be disappointed.
So I would ask next holiday be it Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween whatever how can you save yourself from disappointment. What can you set up, what's your plan b. I do not celebrate halloween anymore. I let the A buy candy if he wants to do it. He can stand at the door and greet the children. I got tremendous really toxic resentment from his letting me kill myself over all holidays. Now I just abdicate. I would not try to even have a holiday with him again. I've had 6 years of bitter really horrible disappointments. I've stood on my head, organized trips, cooked food till it came out of my ears. Last year Christmas he spent all day getting loaded with his brother,he couldn't even sit upright to eat. They can get loaded again on a holiday I will say nothing but they won't have me slaving night and day to feed them, no way, no how, no shape, ever. I am through being set up. I am not doing that again in the hopes of something that never ever comes...nope. Whatever I do on the holidays will never ever again include the A I do not have another comeback from those kind of set ups.
Eventually when my plan b is worked out I will have my own celebrations away from the A but until then I save myself. I do not set myself up. No I cannot come back from them and I treasure my energy.
So when you have time to regroup and believe me I know it takes time to regroup, think, strategize and plan b.
Thanks to all to replied. I left work last night, went to library. A couple hours later, the A sends me a test "did you have to work overtime? Are you coming home?" Wh-a-a-t-t-t-t? This is the same guy who skipped out on me. OK. I have it in my head now that he cannot be around my non-A family, he cannot be around my non-A daughter and son-in-law. I get it, just takes me a while to see what I don 't want to see.
He was all "I love you, I miss you, etc. on the text message. I sent back message that I'd be home soon.
I came in he was in the shower, (he never showers after work!) I guess he was trying to look and act nice. He came over to me and gave me a kiss (I am usually the one to make the first move). He Said I missed you this weekend and I thought you wanted to spend time with your sister. Sorry, I guess I should have called you to say I wasn 't going to dinner.
Oh, the insanity. I am worn out from dealing with this. I could sleep for a week. But I have to go to work, with my stupid sore hand, that I made worse by hitting the wall. And I do assembly work, so I used that hand hard all day. Ouch! Won't do that again. Hand specialist appt. for trigger thumb is next Monday, thank God! The pain is getting on my nerves along with everything else. Constant pain is very irritating to say the least. Hope I get a big fat shot in my thumb, and I hate shots.
Last night he just ordered Pizza, we ate, went to bed. He did not drink. The days lately where he does not drink, make me have a glimmer of hope. But I WILL NOT FORCE THE ISSUE. I will write this 500 times a day, LOL. I learned a lot of hard lessons this weekend.
I just read both your posts and had to reply. I can so identify with what you say. I have had huge surges of anger myself lately which is overwhelming for me. I do not usually have anger issues...I think anyway!
Someone here a while ago told me that the experience of anger is part of the recovery process. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Maybe it's what we have to go through.......
I have been consciously trying to deal with this anger as constructively as possible. I have found myself stomping my anger out on the pavements...long walks are my way of dealing with it. I am trying my very best, and it keeps on trying to catch me. I think this is evidence of the insidious nature of the disease. And the insanity of it all is just too much for me to even try to understand.... Just my thoughts....
I have been gone for the weekend and just am catching up on reading the posts. Oh how you sound like me! No matter how much time I am on program, doing a great job, one slip and I get out the boxing gloves and beat myself up!
Please remember today that you are human, my dear alanon friend. We will never get this program perfectly..And if you are really so like me...One slip back leads to 5 big giant steps forward. I remember where I don't want to be. Your doing great. Thanks for sharing and hang in there!
I don't know if expectations necessarily are bad. If my expecations aren't based in reality, then I'll have problems. I mean, think about it: If you're speeding and you see the police, it's a safe expectaion to have that you'll get a ticket, right? REASONABLE expectations.
OK tiger, now I get it. Expectations or the lack of having, have always confused me....now I know why. I don't want to have to face reality. Dang this Al-Anon stuff, anyway. One thing leads to another, to another, to another. I keep peeling back layers of myself like a great big onion!
