The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
By speaking alanon I mean using phrases like accepting unacceptable behavior, not giving advice, and not attacking the "A".
At the beginnging of this month my best friend moved out of state with her long term boyfriend. And she and I have talked weekly since then.
Well I just got off the phone with her. She is in a DV situation (no physical abuse. Verbal and emotional. Not that this makes a difference) She is extremely unhappy and is very codependent.
She was asking advice on if I thought she should move back here or not. Well I didn't ever give her an answer, just threw questions at her. She is not involved in alanon at all, but my thinking is that I should keep with the no advice thing. I did ask if she was safe, and she said yes. But something just did not feel right about me saying yes move home. She nows if she does then I will offer her all the support I can.
I am praying that HP give me the strength to not tell her what I want her to do (Move back here), that when I speak to her I can have my program shine through, that I remember that her bf is an "A" and to not get into bashing him, that I could just be the ear that she needs so that she is able to work this out on her own.
I know I frustrate her becasue she does not understand alanon ( I have offered to take her with me when she lived here) and my sharing ESH and not telling her to do this or do that is not what she wants, but I am not her HP. LOL I can mess my own life up well enough, I don't need responsibility of another.
I love my friend dearly. I am so grateful that she reached out tonight. I just need prayers to be a true support and not a voice whispering instructions to her.
I hope this makes sense.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
-- Edited by Dolphin123 at 12:43, 2006-09-23
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Totally understan the situation you are in, and you are right people who don't have the wonderful tool of alanon in there life don't understand, it took me yrs to get alanon ...my thought is.....just be there for her and eventually we all get it... because if we don't, we can't have any peace.
Yep I know that feeling. I am so greatful that I have this program in my life that I want to take anyone who's dealing with addiction and "show them the way." But I can't. It's especially frustrating with my sister because her hubby is an A and she never deals with her feelings. I asked her to go with me one night and she said "Well X is not using now so things are okay." I wanted to tell her to "get real." But that's her choice. All we can do is be there if they need us. But it is sooooo frustrating. Your friend is lucky to have you. Keep being there and hopefully she'll find her way.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Ohh yeah, I know the feeling well. Most the time it goes over like a fart in church though. We are given a very special way to live and a completely different way to think and speak. The old way might be to look outward to find help or pity for a situation, the new way is to look inward for the right solution. Just keep doing what your doing, your the best example of what alanon is to her and just might be a light in the dark right now for showing it.
Totally hear you on the no advice to friends in difficult relationships. One thing that has helped me is to share with my friends in a difficult situation my ESH on taking care of myself FIRST, taking care of myself, HALT, and the power of brainstorming my five choices and then choosing one when I am ready. Sometimes, I even say to my friends directly things like: I want to be careful I don't want to give advice...I know you'll make the best decision for you...I am here for you when you need to talk...etc.
I get frustrated when people don't talk my language (typonese at GetOverIt would say) from Alanon. Yet ohhhhhhhhhhh when I am out in the real world and hear some one "well we can only change the things we can ourselves" I am like YES, that's my brother over there. He gets it. Yet I don't know him at all.
Remember to take good care of you hon too. That's all you can do is yourself.
Love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I read this post and had to smile, I have a friend that has been through treatment 3 times, the 3rd time years ago stuck, however she gets so worked up about my A's behavior.......she has finally admited that when I went to jail was a "good thing" LOL, it's hard to speak Alanon to someone who doesn't understand because they think you are accepting the behavior of the A or making excuses......I sure did miss not being online...now the unpacking here starts...Hugs Mary
My friend, who was in the program a long time before me, probably felt the same way as you do. She also asked me lots of questions when I would turn to her for support. What I knew I would get from her was love - and support. Down deep - I didn't want her to make any decisions for me...the fact that she was a sounding board helped me.
I don't know how many years - or what I said - but she finally knew the time was right and I would be receptive to the program. (I wasn't' for YEARS because I had one really bad experience a very long time ago when I went to a f2f meeting.)
ANWAYS - if your relationship with your friend is like my friend is with me...the love, support and questions that you are giving her (especially being there to lend an ear to allow her to talk through what she's going through) helps immensely.
But I can't. It's especially frustrating with my sister because her hubby is an A and she never deals with her feelings. I asked her to go with me one night and she said "Well X is not using now so things are okay." I wanted to tell her to "get real." But that's her choice. All we can do is be there if they need us. But it is sooooo frustrating. 
Your friend is lucky to have you. Keep being there and hopefully she'll find her way.
