The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to vent, as many of you may remember, my ex bf A/CH and I split after he went to rehab, at the recommendation of his sponsor. No relationship in the first year, etc etc. I really understood and thought it best for me too. I held out some hope that we may reconcile and things would fall in place if we both worked on our recovery, etc.
Its been 5 months and theres been no communication between us other than hello how are you-for a while, I was ok with that. He approached me recently for my new cell phone number, said maybe we should go for coffee, he never called. I was truly disappointed. I run into him often at mtg place-he in aa, me in alanon and aa---I am a double winner. We dont even make eye contact, we are like high school kids avoiding each other. I often anticipate seeing him there in hope that maybe this time he will say, lets talk, etc.
ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He has sent the message loud and clear, "I dont want to be friends, I dont want to talk, etc. "
Last night, I realized my hope had turned to obsession. Obsessed as to whether I would see him, trying to look really good in case I ran into him, obsessed about the anxiousness I feel when he is around, whether he looked at me,didnt look at me, what he is thinking about me, blah blah blah.
I spoke with my sponsor about it, she suggested I write a goodbye letter to him - not send it just write it. I will do that. I will also do my best to avoid mtgs that he goes to---and most importantly, turn it over to HP and let his will be done.
I am so grateful I can vent this in a safe place......I feel so crazy!
I think this horrible disease drives us all crazy at times. That's when I find I really need to work my program. Looks like you are doing all the right things, and that you have a good sponsor. When I find myself obscessing, I pray to my HP, and do my best to 'Let Go and Let God'.
Sometimes it takes a long time to recover from a broken relationship. Maybe we don't allow ourselves to grieve (sp?). Keep up the good work, looks like you're on the right path, Remember progress, not perfection, we are only human. ODAT,Love TLC
I think one of the interesting things about our disease is how we become "obsessed" or "fixated" on people, or things, or events, and somehow we over look the element of powerlessness to them.
As an adult child, so much of my life was out of control and I was powerless over so much that I quickly became obsessed with being a dominant force; I became intent on being a person that, for better and worse that you remembered. And what the end result was that I didn't see outright how my trying to control you and your life made ME look crazy, it made ME look insane, and, well, drove me insane, quite frankly. The underlying reality was that I was terrified to be powerless again--I was terrified to be victimized, to watch others victimize, or to watch others be victimize. I think this really drove the reality that I needed to control that I needed to be involved in things that were none of my business, et cet.
So when I look at others and relationships today, what stands out to me today is I try to do a "powerlessness" inventory. Whenever I sit down and look at what I can influence, control or anything like that in their behavior, the reality is not much. People are like that, I suppose. But, when I walk my path, others will be influenced, good bad and otherwise.
My "A" and I split up for almost a year. When I let him go completely (I was still in love with him, but he was moving on and made no attempts to renew the relationship) and put the focus on me I got so much healthier. And you know what that healthiness was so attractive to him. He came to me and asked me if we could try to work it out.
My point is that I had to let him go so that I could move on.
I hope your letter gives you some relief.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
We dont even make eye contact, we are like high school kids avoiding each other. I often anticipate seeing him there in hope that maybe this time he will say, lets talk, etc. 