The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I open my ODAT and read todays selection, which essentially says it is wrong to treat the A with disrespect when they are acting out in thier disease.
I have recently been very close to that and it struck a bit close to home for me. My AW has a number of complaints about our life together.
- I go to Al-Anon which she completely fights almost daily.
- We have started running short on money which cuts into her entertainment
Well, these have been going on for a LONG time. She comes up with suggestions that she believes will work. But some of them are absurd. Like... sell our home and move into an apartment so we have more cash. Well that's a nice idea, but the only reason we are short is because of her extravagant spending habbits. She now spends about $1000/month on beer and cigarettes. Well.... that cuts into the fun and games fund quite hard.
I guess what I have to think about is how I react to these silver bullit ideas.
Just thought I would share this with you. They are sick, and at times the sick ideas are laughable and wide open to ridicule. But I have to remember not to go there, she is an A, but she is a person too.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. The fact that you stay with your AW, that you acknowledge that she suffers from a disease and that you can still love the good in her. I have read your posts where you struggle with what are the best decisions for you to make for you and your family and I know that your HP will continue to lead you in the right direction. I just wanted to say that I am proud for you in working your program regardless of the circumstances surrounding you.
Thank you for treating your AW with respect, in doing so you are treating yourself with respect. And that is a beautiful thing for me to see!!
Like you, I am learning to live Happy, Joyous & Free, One day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks for posting this as it is a very real piece of life in living with an A. My A likes to be asked what he thinks about situations, but gets upset when we don't act on them. The only thing I can say is that sometimes his ideas are very extreme and farfetched. He has a tendency to go for the "quick fix" idea and not really think long term. I am the voice of reason and he can get very resentful at times because he feels like his ideas are worthless and stupid. It has been difficult for me to say "I don't think that will work for us" without actually saying that directly. The lack of money has always been a factor for us as well because he has no self-control in spending. Like and addict he spends to suit his mood or his need at the time. So drinking and drugging on top of that creates a problem in cash flow. In the past I have confronted him angrily about how much he spends on himself and his habits however it was not very respectful. I think you are following a good approach with your AW; because you are seeing how this disease has affected every aspect of your lives, even if she is not there yet.
I have learned the last three weeks that it is very difficult for an A to hear the truth especially from their spouse. Looking like the bad guy means they have done something wrong and that would mean they'd have to acknowledge it then accept responsibility for their actions; which would not allow them to shame and blame and continue "old behavior". So I'm learning as well to speak the truth in all circumstances but doing it with a softer gentler approach. My A seems to to take it in quietly but I can tell he's rolling around what I just said a whole lot more than if I blasted him on something. Thank you for reminding me to be respectful today.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think that "respect" is a relative thing. I think, for one, it needs to be earned. A common thread I've seen in our literature is that it is often "idealistic:" some how, the violently dysfunctional alcholic parent is forgiven, and their actions are seen as an outgrowth of their disease (be their actions beating a person into near death; sexually molesting a member throughout their life; whatever), and I don't read or hear about how absolutely outraged (and rightfully so) the person was nor how long it took to process through the spectrum of feelings. I also continually read about "accepting the persons I cannot change and changing my perspective:" well, that's great; I realize that I can accept a situation and not like it or be happy or whatever. But, again, I don't hear about the process that was undertaken to MAKE PEACE with the fact that you have accepted the situation AS IT IS, where ITS AT, for ITS OWN MERITS. When put that way, acceptance takes on a whole new spin, eh? So when I'm asked to ACCEPT an alcholic, suffering from their disease, AS they are, on their own MERITS, my first thought is "Why?" For me, I need to process through every feeling, every thought, every reality that wasn't met before I can fully embrace what IS. When I was faced with the reality that my parents were just as ill mentally as I (and were choosing not to persue help for their insanities, which were causing them justs as much discomfort as it was causing me), I had to process through the sense of outrage that I couldn't control them, the helplessness that they would always be "them," the fear that I would always live in the dysfunctions that had brought me to al anon in the first placee...... And after throughly going through ALL of this, I realized "I'm okay now. I'm okay with me getting better and them not. " I was ready to persue my own healthy solutions and their choosing not to. What a deal, eh? No body discusses how acceptance is really a PROCESS, just like recovery is a PROCESS. And in terms of "respect"-- What is important to me is to treat EVERY human, NO MATTER WHAT as if they are a child of god. It is valuble for me to remember they are living in their HUMAN EXPERIENCE--they are living the path that their creator has in store for them. My role, then, with people who are CONSISTENTLY hurtful, hateful or mean is to let them be. They are entitled to their misery, their darkness, their self loathing. I am entitled to my own living choices.
As far as the extravagant spending goes mine does it too which is pretty hard to do on a very small monthly disability check. I think the drinking causes a maniac high just like that of bipolar disorder. Last night was suppose to be it "again" for drinking. He has been back at it a week now after seven weeks sober. His income is gone for the month so today he has proceeded to overdraw his account with his debit card. As of tomorrow he will be in for $96 in NSF fees along with his 3 overdrafts and will be in the hole again before the new month even starts. His excuse for the spending today was so he could get some firewood sold and delivered. Of course he currently has no one waiting on any and any money he makes if he even finds someone to buy any is already gone to cover the hole he is already in so where is he ahead. He also thinks he can find a buyer for his truck get a new one and make a profit. If there is any profit left over then obviously the new truck has to be a bigger piece of shit than the old one but he just doesn't get it.
I know he wants to feel like he is contributing but ends up not and then feels worthless. He just told me this morning he doesn't want to be a failure and I can't get him to understand that if he keeps drinking he will only continue to fail with his farfetched ideas. I try to treat him with respect and build him up where I can but it is hard. The sad thing is with each failure his self esteem goes lower giving him more bad feelings that he needs to drink away. It is such a vicious cycle because without self esteem the A actually begins to believe he deserves his rotten life and may in fact become even less likely to seek recovery feeling he doesn't deserve it.
This is what the A's in my family do.Always cutting something out so they can keep supporting their addictions.My sister,bless her heart,before she died had given up so much in order to continue to keep buying the booze and cigarettes.She was already on disability for alcohol related poor health so her income was limited.She loved her cable tv but eventually had to cut it to the bare minimum.She used to say she would give anything to have a cat but couldn't afford it.The money she spent on booze and cigs would have paid many vet bills and food for a cat.She also never had a computer but would have loved to have had one.I thought about giving her one when we upgraded but she would not have been able to pay the monthly ISP payment,the booze and cigs came first over everything else.
I spoke with my active A brother yesterday,who is retired and now he has cut his internet service to save money.But still drinks every day and smokes like a stack.I wonder what will go next as his life spirals down to nothing but booze and cigarettes.
I always try to be respectful to them because that is part of keeping my side of the street clean.I do love them.With my AH,however I have to admit I have been less than respectful at times.I am making ammends to him on that now by the changes in me thanks to alanon and MIP.
I agree with Rita, you are doing a great job working your program.
You never cease to amaze me with the things you learn and then lovingly pass on to us. Thanks so much for sharing your compassion, with your AW and yourself! It is so important and VERY challenging to do.
The financial thing is so hard to take, I know. I am working extra jobs so I can be okay because I don't know how long AH will have this job that just hired him. I am hopeful, but expecting the worst.
I admire your honesty and willingness to stick this out and always to better yourself and to be stronger. Thanks again for the inspiration, it sounds like you are on the right path... to peace for yourself!
I am so glad you brought that subject up. I am having a hard time with the whole "respect" thing. I have been in this whole situation for three weeks, he used for three years before I realized what was going on, or should I say "officially found out".
So now that I know for a fact drugs were the factor, and going back and piece the last three years of my life with him, I feel hurt, betrayed, deceived...
He is in rehab now for the past three weeks. I talked to him on the phone yesterday and just vented on him. I told him how I am tired of hearing that "it was drugs, not me...it is the disease of being on drugs"...Ughhhh! I told him that until HE becomes accountable for his actions, as a person, I don't know how I am going to be able to trust or forgive him again.
I know that people treat this as a disease, why can't an addict just admit that THEY as a person made the choice to use the drugs instead of taking another route to deal with their problems...like counseling, attending an NA meeting? Telling your wife you are thinking of using, or just started to use, so she can help you? I can't bring myself to feel sorry for an addict who choses that route, then destroys lives around them by taking money, lying, betraying, stealing my most precious piece of jewelry for drugs.
Sorry for the vent...I am new at all of this and just want to be able to take care of myself and my emotions and issue dealing with all of this, while just hoping my husband can be accountable for himself and his actions.
What a deal, eh? No body discusses how acceptance is really a PROCESS, just like recovery is a PROCESS. And in terms of "respect"--