What Now - Al-Anon Family Group

acjmom · Veteran Member

What Now

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Acjmom)))))))))))) <=== hugs,

Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). We have all been through this. You are not alone here.

This is a disease and love has nothing to do with it. Addicts don't make a choice between love and addiction. Their disease cares nothing about relationships. It only cares about where their next drink or drug is coming from. This is not your fault. I tried the "if you love, you'd quit." Doesn't work. We have something in Alanon called the 3C's: You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. My husband (who is now is recovery ) always reminds me: An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it. He's right.

It is absolutely reasonable that you have told him he can't come home if he's drinking. This is your home too. I did that with my husband, because the last time he could have set the place on fire. Thank HP that he didn't. In time you will learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. Just because you told him to leave, doesn't mean that you stopped loving him. I didn't with my A. It meant that I could no longer lead that kind of crazy life.

Please keep coming here. Read the old posts. Join in on our chat room and our online meetings. If you can, get as much information as you can about this disease. Look for local face to face meetings (f2f) in your area.

Remember: your recovery is about you, regardless if the A is active or sober. It's about taking back your life and getting stronger. Recovery for us is absolutely possible. There is always hope for all.

Love and blessings to you.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty (my cat who welcome all newbies)

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

omajoy · Veteran Member

acjmom wrote:

does anybody ever give up on their A?

My daughter-in-law did. She divorced my son with little warning, no counseling, and no time out to see if things would improve. It was a great shock to our family since he did not go out to bars, had been in no legal trouble. But she could not tolerate his drinking on weekends mainly and withdrawing from activities, etc. It is a sad and hard thing for me to accept since there is a baby they both adore. My son is the loser in this as she has complete and total custody, makes all the decisions, etc. He gave up too quickly; unfortunately, he could not see that the kind of drinking he did should bother her so much. He still loves her, but things are a mess now in that decisions have been made and a new lifestyle put into place. He is miserable and is now trying to see what his problem is and why it caused so much distress. She remains on friendly terms with us and the two of them see each other daily. I would encourage you to take your time and not rush to judgment just yet. You can set boundaries, become educated about this disease, and try to calmly work your way through things. If it is problem for you, it is a problem. Some people tolerate much, much more than others as the posts on here will testify. Read lots of them. Only you can make your decisions about where your life is headed. I wish you well. Just step back and breathe a bit. I wish my daughter-in-law had been willing to do that.

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome acjmom,

I think you finally give up when you have really had enough. Some people find ways of coping that mean they don't have to give up completely. It's a very personal decision and no one can make it for anyone else.

I have learned though that ultimatums don't always work. Sometimes it's very hard to carry out an ultimatum. There are people here who really understand that and will support you whatever.

My recovery for me means finding ways to protect myself, finding ways to grow and new perspectives for myself. It also means finding new boundaries in my relationships....this is a really tough one for me!

There are many people who care and understand. I have found so much strength on these boards. I'm sure you can too.

Keep coming back
AM

Noni · Senior Member

Boundaries are really hard to stick to because the A will always make you feel like you're a horrible person for setting and holding up the boundaries.

The boundary that I set for my A: "You are not allowed to be or live in my house if you are drunk or hung-over" is for my own peace of mind.

I decided I didn't need the abuse - because I was getting abused. When my A wanted something and I said no - I would get the most horrible round of verbal abuse. I would be put down, threatened, and the list goes on. I had to set my boundary to save myself. Even if it meant that I might not able see my A ever again. It was HARD - but I worked the program and focused on my own healing.

JulieLynn · Senior Member

(((acjmom)))

Your story sounds so familiar. I have been with my A for four years. We are currently seperated. We have seperated so many times in the four years that we have been together that I have lost count. My A can go weeks without talking to me when we seperate which was something I really had a hard time with at first. The first thing that came to mind while reading your post was that nothing changes if nothing changes. I remember in the beginning I would be so devastated when my A would leave me and threaten divorce. I was told over and over again that nothing changes if nothing changes but it took me awhile for it to really sink in. It took me going back and reading an online journal that I had kept since November of 2004. Guess what? I was in the same exact situation that I was in back in 2004. I would leave and stay gone for about 6 weeks and come back to empty promises over and over again. Nothing had changed. We have been split up now for a little more than five weeks and I am feeling pretty strong right now. I think you just get to a point where you have had enough. I am no longer willing to accept unacceptable behavior. What I finally had to do was just Let Go and Let God and give my A over to a HP. I also had to get busy. I started exercising, reading, reconnecting with old friends. Whatever it took to get my mind off of my A. There is nothing you can say or do that will change your alcoholic so why even waste any more energy on it. What you can change is yourself. If you are not going to f2f meetings I suggest that you find one. Get busy and be kind to yourself.

Love,

Julie

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

acjmom,

Welcome to MIP. I agree with what has been already posted here that you will find the answers if you stick with Alanon and educate yourself on this disease. I love my A dearly and he adores his children and I know he loves me as much as he can right now, but he's still sick. This disease has warped his thinking and can really do a number on his perception of himself, other's, his HP, everything. I have been with him through some rough times and seen his resolve to stop over and over only to go back to either pot or alcohol. Living a life of sobriety is not easy for an addict. It takes complete acceptance that 1. They are addicts 2. there is not other way but sobriety and 3. Getting involved in some kind of recovery program. Everyone approaches sobriety/recovery different and I have had to learn to keep my nose out of his recovery. It doesn't look like I would like it to. The growth is not happening on his end the way I'd like it to, but that is really none of my business. The only control I have is over my own recovery and taking my own steps to sanity and health. Keep coming back it does work if you work it.

One Day At A Time,

Twinmom~

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Often times when we are brand new we 1) want someone to give us a quick, fast, specific solution to OUR problem; 2) we want someone to explaing what to do in OUR situation; 3) we're so tired of living OUR life, we want something different.

I entirely agree with NYC--see if there are local f2f al anon meetings in your area, and, if so, go to them. Listen to the stories, the feelings, the thinking from the people in the meeting. And utlize the solutions they offer--don't look at what makes their story "different" from yours. When we analyze, rather than utlize, we stay in the disease and the sickness; al anon is all about solutions. If there are no local Al Anon meetings, go to open AA meetings, and listen for the same thing. If you're having trouble with childcare, bring your kids. No one will care.

I'm glad you're here and I hope you come back.

acjmom · Veteran Member

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply to my post, I have been reading alot of the old ones and its nice to know Im not the only one in this place in life. I know nobody can tell me how to handle the problems with my A, and like I said on my last post....maybe there are just no answers to my questions,but I am very thankful for all of the input I can get. LOL My A is still gone,I got a call from the bar last night to come and pick him up because he was drunk( I went to school with the bartender so she seemed to think she had to fill me in on everything my A has been up to in the past 5 days) and for once I was strong enough to say "Sorry...cant do it". But I wanted to...more than I wanted anything else, but I know if I did it would just be the same thing over and over and over again...and Im scared. Scared of life without him and scared of life with him..hes never been abusive, so Im thankful for that, but as I read some of the post on here I realize there are people that live their whole adult lives fighting this, year after year, and then I come to another question...does it ever REALLY get better? Because I am in the exact same spot I was in last year with my A...nothing has changed...except maybe me...and I dont know if thats a good thing or not...I ask myself if I want to be unhappy because Im WITH my A living the way we have in the past or unhappy because Im NOT WITH him...my heart says one thing, my head says another.LOL I guess only God knows so I will put my trust there and have faith that it will all work out in the end. Thank you all once again, just knowing there are people there that know what Im talking about (even though I may not at times.LOL) is a big help.

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm proud of you--you set a boundry!

Bar calls. Bar says, "Your SO is drunk. Come get him." You say, "Not this time." BOOM! Boundry!

PARTY!!!!!!!!!

Go girl! Go girl!

Keep coming back.

acjmom · Veteran Member

LOL...thank you Tiger!!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.