The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On the 8th I got a text from my A bf saying that he was crashing at someone's house because his driver was drinking (he's 2 months sober and has no license). I was upset and let him know it. He and I had a long talk the next day about how he has gotten over some of his behaviors but I wasn't getting over mine. We decided to go for a week with no contact and see what happens.
We got together on the 17th. I was in NYC that weekend and he sent me a text saying hello and asking how I was. Then a few hours later, on Saturday, he wrote to tell me he was at MY apartment (I'd asked him to move home in early August) and did I mind. I missed him so much I didn't say anything...I was glad he wanted to be there. But it felt weird.
On the 17th I came home and he was feeling sick and we had a brief conversation about us...but I felt like someting was up. So the past few days have been OK and we said we'd work on the relationship with new boundaries since we were new people.
Then I got the cell phone bill, which was high (we share a plan) and saw that he had tons of calls & texts to my downstairs neighbor. Apparently she's been his confidante for about 2 weeks. He calls her when he gets home, texts her from work, etc... I confronted her last night and she (who I THINK is honorable...I have always had a very good relationship with her) told me that they've just been talking a lot. And she told me that it is innocent and then said, "You know he's drinking now" which I didn't. She went on to say that he talks to her about his low self-esteem and his huge desire to drink and the fact that he's been slipping.
I called him and asked him about their talks and he said he was trying to be a good friend (her sister died a month ago) and they just started talking. I left out that I had spoken to her. He was very apologetic, and said he understood why it would shake me up, but assured me that they were just friends. I just couldn't get over why he would feel the need to confide in someone else, when I'm the one who has been so supportive for the past 2 years.
About 20 minutes later I called him back. I didn't want to break her confidence, but I felt like, since I was looking for honesty. I told him I'd spoken with her. He already knew. As soon as we hung up, he called her. So, I said that she confided in me that he had been drinking. He got angry at me, saying that this is such a typical response for me (like I've done anything wrong) and said that I was lying, that Jess didn't say that. HE said she didn't sayt that because it's not true and he never told her he was drinking.
We hung up both upset. So, now I am going to see him today and I just don't know what to do. I feel betrayed. I don't care how innocent their calls are. The fact that it was a secret that they were talking suggests that it's not on the up-and-up. Likewise, their stories aren't matching up. Now I'm left to feel so uncomfortable living over this woman, who I thought was a friend. The thing is, I believe he's drinking. Why would she lie (unless she's hoping I'll break up with him?? but she is so aware of his baggage I can't imagine that's the case)? And he's being selfish, which comes with the drinking.
I'm just praying for the strength to do the right thing, which I think is to walk away. After two years of crap (this isn't the worst thing that's happened) I think it's time to cut my losses. It just hurts because the last week I had when I was alone I did so much reflecting and connecting with God. I felt like this relationship could have a new energy infused into it. I was so excited. But obviously, he's not doing the right thing. It just makes me very sad. :(
I am sorry for your sadness. Living/being with the A can be hard, searching for honesty amid chaos. It can drive us nuts. Its not easy. I have had the same feeling, experienced hope and good energy just for it to be shot to hell again.
Try to you put the focus back on you, one minute at a time, get to some F2Fmeetings-
While your A may be only friends with the girl downstairs, it is a betrayal of sorts. Would he be ok with you doing the same? And she should not be corresponding with him, she knows you are his girlfriend, right? In my opinion, they are both wrong, whether he is drinking or not.
Remember if he is active again, his thoughts are distorted and possibly manipulative. Someone once told me...Talking, reasoning or looking for love from the A is like goin to the hardware store for bread!
Wow - your A was hiding his drinking & your downstairs neighbor was his confidant - to help him have someone to have someone to "confide his drinking to" - then turn around and abuse you with the information.
It sounds like the same old broken record I get from the As in my life.
It's hard to break away from the As - but I know when I break away and focus on my recovery - I actually enjoy the peace and quiet (and lack of drama).
One of the things about relationships is that we learn to see ourselves in them. We look at ourselves in terms of who we really are--like someone said in a lead "It's putting mericle grow on your character defects." It sounds like this relationship is making your life unmanageable because, for one, there's no honesty. If your SO wants to make his priority sobriety, he really needs to commit to being sober. He needs to make it his priority. The stuff he's giving you about "not having a ride" about "just being a good friend" is blowing sunshine up your skirt. He's either gonna make it a priority or he isn't and if he isn't, he's not gonna change. And as long as you're in a relationship with someone who's lilfe is unmanageable, your life will be too. The last thing I picked up on about your relationship is that there's no intimacy. It's a control battle for who's doing what where with you. Intimacy, I've heard defined is "Into Me You See." You see my bad parts; you see my good parts; you see the parts of me that I don't want you to see. Notice that no where did I mention that there is any physical exertion here (not that you mentioned it in your post) but COMMUNICATION. Communication implies an understanding of eachother at a level that people can lose their tempers; people can get scared; people can grieve; people can be shocked. People can communicate in intimate relationships because intimate relationships allow for feelings across the spectrum. When feelings are allowed for, it means, ultimately, people are allowing themselves to be honest with themselves first And, as always, those who are not honest with themselves will be unable to be honest with anyone else.
