The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I attended a new f2f. It was great. There were about 16 people in the meeting.
It was a "speaker" meeting and the speaker was a woman with a 40 year old A son. She has been in Alanon for 23 years...since her son was 17 years old. Isn't that amazing??? She proceeded to speak on "how has Alanon worked in my life?"
She was talking about how she has detached from her son...only through Alanon...and that they have a good relationship today. He is still active as far as she knows. He lives out of the country and she talks to him about once a week. He will be visiting her in about 2 months. She talked about how she will have to beef up her program before he comes to visit. Anyway, I was very hopeful at maybe getting to where she is one day even if my A is still active.
When it came time for me to share I thanked her for the topic and for telling her story and then I politely ask her:
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET THEM TO MOVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY?????"
LOL...........need some humor sometime....don't we.
Detaching is not the same as disowning or rejecting.
My grown daugther lives with me now and I still make her follow all of the same rules she grew up with. I tell her that yes she is an adult and free to make her own choices...but expecting me to "bankroll" them is OUT, LOL. She can sit in her own place that she pays for and do whatever she pleases...but she won't do it here.
Yes, she is an adult, and free to make her own choices and free to pay for them too, LOL. Just like my parents did me. When I turned 18 they told me that the only thing that changed was that I could now move out if I wanted to, if I did not like their rules there. They said that nothing else had changed, that they were still Mom and Dad and still in charge of their own house.
If my daughter moved out and went agaisnt what I have taught her, I would still be her mom and love her but I would not want to have to support her doing what I dissaprove of. She would be on her own.
This woman sounds like a strong and loving Mom to allow her son to be on his own and do things his own way and still embrace a loving relationship with him. I hope they have a good visit.
It sure is hard, that's for sure. You spend their whole life trying to provide for them what you missed as a child, then if they and/or you get sick it get's all twisted around. In my case, I noticed after a while my 21 year old ASon would demand favors, and get pissed if I couldn't do it. I still have a hard time with that.
In these cases I didn't even have a choice to cave and say yes, and he still had a fit.
So hang in there, a little seperation for us has really helped. I didn't have to run him out of the country, but he is out of my house. I acturally enjoy seeing him now, just have to guard my wallet. Duck tape is not out of the question either... LOL
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 18:02, 2006-09-19
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for your post.....it truly is different with children! Detachment isn't the same as with a spouse; because they will always be your child. Our son just moved out.....today. We will be praying for him and hope he can succeed. We know his heart, but not the disease. I don't trust the disease!!! But I do trust God. Hey, humor is good. It keeps us sane. God Bless You!
I acturally enjoy seeing him now, just have to guard my wallet. Duck tape is not out of the question either... LOL