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OMG! My brothers abuse case against my mother was dismissed just FOURTEEN DAYS ago. Last wk my mother called to say brother moved back in w/her! Today she called to say she's moving into an apartment and brother is staying in the condo!
Holy crap!
And she says I never go see her, etc etc. Well I am the only one who works fulltime 930-5 five days every week. Im ready to tell her next time she calls that she disowned me the day she let him back in and it was confirmed even more when she moved out!
Some people don't mind being taken advantage of, it feels better than being ignored. That is sad but the truth.
You say you work a lot so are probably doing OK. Let your Mom give your brother the condo if she wants to, don't feel resentful.
You are too busy for your Mom's tastes, deep down she knows it does not mean you don't care, but she misses the everyday interaction, the "being needed". Even though it is sickening, your brother clearly NEEDS her and she likes that evidently.
Just let it go, stop trying to interfere.
I know it will be difficult but save your sanity and let other adults spend their money as they wish, even if they are blowing it in your opinion or are taken advantage of. Clearly your mom would rather be taken advantage of than ignored. She is "buying" love from your brother. That is her choice and I guess she can afford it. Why not let her do what she wants with her money?
I don't say these things easily, I too have a brother like this. As long as my sister and I tried to interefere and "protect" our Mom from being taken advantage of, she dug in her heels harder. Her son "needed" her and that is what Moms do, take care of their children. My sister and I finally gave up and decided to let her blow her time and money if she wanted to, for our own sanity.
Eventually she saw for herself when my brother had her cosign for all kinds of loans he never paid and then invest in a crazy business venture and she got swindled. One thing was let him live there for free, support him, cater to him etc. but getting swindled by her own son in a business deal even made her wake up.
As long as you try to interfere your mom will be in defensive mode. If you let go...take the pressure off, maybe your mom will wake up and smell the coffee, maybe not, either way let her spend her money, assets in what seems to make her happy, she has that right.
I have to agree with Isa. You can't control your Mom or her actions and trying to do so is making you nuts. She is what she is and does what she does. She truly doesn't understand the harm she is doing by "helping" your brother. Perhaps you can set some boundaries for you and your Mom not to discuss your brother and still maintain a Mother/daughter relationship?
Do you truly want to have no contact with your Mom because of her relationship with your brother and what she thinks is best? You only have one Mom forever. My Mom had a serious stroke at a very young age, 54, just 3 yrs older then I am right now. It left her unable to walk w/o a walker and she is legally blind. She is nothing like the vivacious beautiful woman she was. I lost the Mom I knew on that day and have missed her so much. I would have done many things much differently had I only known this would happen to her. Think hard about what you are willing to give up before you jump. You just don't know what tomorrow will bring.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well, it's a good thing there's Al Anon. And that you didn't "quit." One of the best things I see right here is your mom is taking initiative to take care of herself. It is terrifying for anyone to move out on their own, and people who are subjected to abuse especially have a difficult time because they come to believe what their abusers tell them. They allow themselves to be subjected to the insanity that keeps them hostage because they can't grasp they deserve better. I think the other thing that strikes me about the situation is the fact that Mom knows you have some level of mental health (hence the guilt trip). As you know, you don't have to be sucked in. You can encourage mom to come see you, to get her own hobbies, to do her own thing. Mom's moving, she's not dead. So, if all else fails, mom knows that you have the stability emotionally to see with some prospective how this situation really is.
