Need Advice Asap on This Post! - Al-Anon Family Group

Shocked · Newbie

Need Advice Asap on This Post!

Shocked · Newbie

I made this post at least an hour ago. It says 9 views. No one has made any attempt at an answer. Not even to tell me to get lost. I have never reached out to AlaNon before but I am wondering if I am at the right place for help. Is there any other place someone might at least have a discussion with me.

I am leaving the computer for a while to go to the store for another pack of cigarettes. I don't mean to sound cynical. Please forgive me. I am mad, scared mostly and just need help. There is no alanon group in the town I live in. Not even close. I have no car at this point my addict wrecked my car. Not trying to get sympathy just stating some facts about my situation.

If you decide to answer me I would appreciate.

Shocked

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

((Shocked)))

You are definately in the right place! I find answers to replys are slower in the A.M. for me.

I can hear the panic in your post. I'm am not sure what to offer you as I have a 35 year old A son. I probably would send the money but I am still very weak about helping my son. You have to ask yourself "where am I finally going to draw the line?" If you have gone this far and he is almost at the facility I think I would do it. I don't know what others will say but I do know it is so different when it is your child. I would be asking myself..."what if this is the help he needs and I decide to stop right now?" I know that this is not the healthy answer. I am just speaking from my heart as to where I am right now as a mother of an A.

I hope you find the answer that will give you some peace today. I will be praying for you and your son.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry, Shocked, that you feel neglected. I will tell you what I would do in your case. It is easy to say that you are enabling him by getting further involved, but he is your son. That's a different picture altogether. I am the mother of two sons, neither of whom has any addiction problem, but if they did, I would move heaven and earth to get them what they need in the way of help. I would send the $200 to the place. It will either be wasted...and $200 is not an enormous amount of money...OR...it will be the best $200 you ever spent! I wish you and your son well. Pleae come back. We really do care.

Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 22:27, 2006-09-19

isabela40 · Senior Member

As usual...what Diva said!

Once again Diva said it all...

I remember what a friend of mine once told me,when in doubt, do the "kind" thing. After all of the money you have no doubt spent on your son...why not spend this last $200.00 to take a chance he may really get help this time? Your son sounds as though he is at the end of his rope.

If you don't send it, you will always wonder about the fact that MAYBE this may have been "it", what he needed to get sober.

If I were you I would opt for the clean conscience, that I TRULY did ALL I could ever do to help him, then, if it still does not work out, I would not ever have any doubts that I did everything humanly possible before I gave up and cut my losses.

You yourself admit that you perhaps used bad judgement in giving him, a very very sick addict, the extra money the center wanted, rather than send it to them and simply give him a bus ticket. Now that you sort of set him up in a situation that was so tempting he could not deal with it, why not set him up in a situation in which he will get help?

Just my two cents...

Isabela

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Generally speaking when people view a post but don't reply, it's for personal reasons. Perhaps they don't feel comfortable answering the question, or they don't have any E/S/H, or maybe they just empathize and that's all they can give. Whereas you were asking for solutions, where they're at is empathy.

I think the other thing I thought of while reading your post is "What do you NEED to do?" What is absolutely at this minute the thing that NEEDS to get done in this situation? And like Diva said, in the long run, $200 is not a significant amount of money, but if this is the latest in a string of disasters for your son, I would send it to the rehab not to your son.

I really think deep down you know the answer. But because things aren't working out "exactly as planned" you're in a panic. I hope you come back, and I hope you look for some Al Anon meetings in your area. They help alot.

Shocked · Newbie

Thank You so Much:

First thanks for answering. Yes I was so wrong to just give him the money. I should have sent the money to the facility in the beginning. When I left just a moment ago to go to the store I went ahead and went to the Western Union and sent the amount that was needed to the facility. And yes, all of you are correct I have spent so much more than 200 dollars. That is just a drop in the bucket at this point in time. I can and always do recover. Being a recovering addict myself I have learned to survive and know how to work and save.

Anyway it is done now. They have the money, my son said he was getting on that bus at 9:00 am to continue on to his destination and so he should have been travling again for about an hour. He should arrive at 3:50 and one of the staff will be there to pick him up. They are going to let me know if he arrives and that he is in there hands. I think if he ever gets there he will do good. Again I will not be able to talk to him on the phone for at least 2 months and he will be there for at least a year. I believe in these people and what they have to offer him. They feel like he should be there and have prayed all night for him to be found and that he would continue to come there way.

Thanks for listening. I am not through talking to all of you yet. There is so much I need to learn about being an enabler and letting go and all that stuff. I know AA backwards but I don't know how to handle my own childs problems. It is totally different. As soon as I hear later today. I will let all you know if he made it there and maybe then ya'll can let me know what I should do about starting my own self discover, self-help- alanon 12 step program. As I said before there is NO alanon program in my town and I have no car. People take me to work. So online is about the best I can do for now.

Thanks

Shocked

P.S. Maybe tomorrow I will come back with a new name because I will feel a new beginning.

-- Edited by Shocked at 11:08, 2006-09-19

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't be so terribly hard on yourself. Melody Beattie discusses at length that our parents and our children are the two nuclear entities in our lives that know, just KNOW, how to rope us in and keep us in their dysfunctions. Whether its money, making them happy, making them feel good, whatever, she discusses that we have to learn and give ourselves permission to let our parents and our children be their own entitites. And like all of life's lessons, this of course takes time.

I stand by my previous recommendation to persue f2f al anon meetings. They will assure you that you are not alone in your path. And, of course, keep coming back.

irish54 · Senior Member

Wow! As a mother of a 36 year old son, who is addicted to drugs, and an alcoholic and also diagnosed as bi-polar,schizo affective.... my heart just breaks for you right now. My son still refuses to admit he has a problem.

We never stop being mothers.

Al-Anon and my God have helped me so very much through all of this.

I'm soooo glad you came here and posted and I so look forward to hearing from you again and the progress reports ...not just on your son, but also on you.

Please know we all do care and love you already! You and your son are in our prayers!

Love and Hugs,

Irish

moto · Member

Good morning Shocked. I think many people have not responded because there are not easy answers to your situation. It has to be your choice. I know we want others to tell us what is right with difficult problems. Sadly it is not that easy. It has to come from your heart. All we can give you is our experience strength and hope. From there you make the choice that you feel right with.

I think the most important thing is for you to take of yourself. Be kind to your self. No more beating up on Shocked. If you are like most of us. We feel responsible for our loved ones actions, like if we would have done something different they would not be in this situation. Well I say give your self a break! Your son is 30 years old he is an adult. He is the one making choices that are hurting him.

He is responsible for his life and his actions not you. I know this is the hardest thing when it is our kids but it is really true. Ask yourself can you control what he does? Have you been able to get him sober? Are you the one putting the drink /drug in his hand?

I come to Al anon because I have a Girlfriend, Father and Sister who are all Alcoholics. So learning to detach with love is something I am learning …it is not easy but worthy thing to learn. In fact it is the most loving thing I have ever learned. To respect them enough to let them make their own choices. Good bad what ever it is up to them. The fact is it always was I just had to realize it. That I was trying to control something I had no power too! A hard lesson I promise…easy to say hard to do J

Shocked I am also an Alcoholic! I have 16 years n recovery. I was younger than your son when I made my own choice to seek and find recovery. My parents did everything they could to help me.(I promise a lot of money too) Sadly none of it worked. It was not because they didn’t try. It was because I was not ready. I had not realized that it was MY RESPONSIBILITY and I only when I was ready to what ever it takes to change my life. Then and only then my life started to change. It has to be that serious of a decision! It had to be my decision not my parents. Again nothing my parents did helped me to find recovery. It only came when I was sick of the way I was living and feeling. And here is the kicker I did not even go to my parents when I was ready. I know it is confusing. I found someone else that had walked a similar path as mine and they led me to AA. So I know this was a lot of my personal story but the reason I write all of this is that I don’t really think what you do will make or break your son getting sober. He is going to do what he wants to. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. I know this is the hardest thing to accept when it is our children. But I would ask myself” Have I been able by any of my actions gotten him and kept him sober?? I can hear in your writing that you love him and want the best for him. That is enough Mom. Knowing that my parents loved me helped but I still had to make the choice myself. He has to take from here. He needs to be responsible.

So now we get to the money.

It is still your choice, if you feel this is something you need to do for yourself. Then send it. If you will feel better about you….. then do it. Accept the fact that it will not make him get into and stay in recovery. Know that you are sending the money for you. ……think about what I am saying here…… Know that you are sending it for you so that you will feel better. He is going to do what ever he does. Again accept the fact that you are sending it to make you feel better and then let go of it.

At some point you have to make a choice to let him take responsibility for his life and his using dope or drinking.

This is the hardest thing to do for a parent. But the sooner you do it. The betting for you and in the long run it is the best thing for him. I needed to feel the effects of my choices when I was drinking drudging . The longer people took care of me, the longer I didn’t have to take responsibility for my actions. Important words MY ACTIONS. Not anybody else’s.
I know this sounds harsh. But it is the way it works.

So if you send the money you might say this the last money you will send until he makes choices to get into recovery himself. Tell him to go to AA it is free and that will show he is serious. If in fact he is serious about changing his life? Is he? Or is he just finding another way to get high/drunk? If he is serious and goes to a meeting, I promise the other alcoholics in the meeting will take care of him. They will give him a place to say and even feed him. That is how they stay sober by helping each other. It is just something we cannot do for our family members. I know it doesn’t make sense but it is the way it works for most of us.

Shocked I hope you take care of Shocked. Take a bubble bath, go tanning, take a nap, go to a movie, call a kind and loving friend, do what ever you do that you enjoy. But take care of yourself. That is your responsibility. Really!

How would you take care of a little girl that was feeling the feelings you are experiencing? Be kind to her. Love her. Because she deserves it! I wish you well Shocked. I hope you go to the chat room, find some local Al Anon meetings, maybe even a counselor. They have all been helpful to me at times. I hope I have not went to far in saying what I have. Again this is my experience…. take what you like and leave the rest. It is a wild thing after I found recovery let go of all my family’s problems, focused on me a year later my father went to treatment and has been sober ever since. My sister had to stay drunk for many years. But now she has 3 years of sobriety. My Girlfreind had three years went back out ( I promised I tried everything to fix her…. And again I had to learn it has to be her choice) She is back and has 30 some days. People to recover it we give them the space to do it. Shocked there is hope but nothing I did brought them to recovery. The only thing I could do was be a example… that is it. Oh yea it doesn’t hurt to say I love you to them often J

I wish you well on your journey of life Shocked, Take care.

God Bless,

Gary

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I was one of the ones who read your post shocked, but didn't really know what to say, having never experienced that situation. I am glad you ended up making the decision you were compfortable with.

I know as for myself, I have very limited time to be here at this site, and usually don't get to read everyone's posts, let alone answer them, so thought I'd give it over to someone who had experience with your problem.

Thanks for coming here, you will find there are wonderful, caring supportive people here, who will share their experience, strength and hope.You will learn that you didn't cause your A to drink or do drugs, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I believe you have done everything in your power to help your son, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Now you must learn to "Let go, and let God", and go on with your life, taking care of YOU.

Keep coming back, you are worth it! Love in the program, TLC

omajoy · Veteran Member

Shocked, I think you did the proper thing to send the money on and pray your son arrives and begins treatment. I am also the mother of a son with problems. It is such a totally different thing than having a spouse with addictions. It seems the majority of those at this site are spouses, but you can see that some who replied to you were the parent or perhaps brother, sister, daughter, etc. Spouses you can divorce and that makes getting on with your life a bit easier. Children cannot be divorced; they are your child forever regardless of age or condition. It makes getting on with life seem impossible at times. So good for you that you went ahead and sent the money. Money means so little when the life of your child is center. You are in my prayers and so is your beloved son.

isabela40 · Senior Member

When it comes to the mother/child bond you are dealing with some pretty heavy duty instinctive emotions, ones you cannot "explain" away just by reading a so called "recovery book" (I am talking here about Melody Beattie books). These emotions are located deep in the primitive part of the brain and are as instinctive as eating and sleeping. You are heading for trouble when you try to find disease in being a psychologically healthy person. Lack of parental affection is abnormal and IS a mental disease. These instinctive emotions are not bound by age limits.

I am not knocking anyone who likes her books, but Melody Beattie wrote her first"codependent" series of books when she was an unemployed, uneducated welfare recipient. She was hoping to cash in on the recovery movement and hit the jackpot. She is uneducated still (funny how she does not use her millions and free time to put herself through college and try to SERIOUSLY research her theory), but a genius at pop psychology and marketing. Her theory is simply made up, and has NO scientific validity, although some therapists use the lingo as they know people relate to it. There is no such thing as being diagnosed with codependency as a stand alone diagnosis by a professional and I would like to see an insurance company cover treatment for codependnecy ALONE, it is nowhere to be found in the DSM-IV. Although I know that many therapists have jumped on the bandwagon to try and cash in also, and speak their patients "launguage" so they seem to be trustworthy and have accepted the term. However, they usually come up with some other diagnosis as well, which has some scientific validity and so that treatment can be covered by insurance.

I dropped out of college in a MS level psychology degree program to care for a sick child, oh...wait I guess that make me "co-dependent" (putting someone else's needs ahead of my own to my detriment)! Does it really? Not according to my professors, who applauded my mental health to know what was REALLY important in life...and no it was not putting MY needs first above my own child. Of course they hoped I came back when she got better...but I changed my mind and never did.

My professors were aghast and horrified at how so many people have grasped onto the made up musings of an uneducated welfare recipient. It would not be so bad if Melody Beattie's musings were harmless and she just made a quick buck (ok make that MILLIONS of bucks), but they are seriously harmful and have hurt untold millions of people.

When you take basic human INSTINCTIVE emotions like caring, self sacrifice, devotion, altruism, caring for the sick and the weak, love, and most importantly a mother's love and try to make it symptoms of a "mental disease" that is very harmful to people. These emotions are as old as time and have helped our socity to survive and flourish.

Yes there is a fine line between helping someone and simply indulging them to the detriment of both, but each person has to find that for himself. Going overboard in caring for someone else, being unselfish to the extreme is not wise, but not a mental disease either.

I think this forum is about loving support for each other in our moments of pain when dealing with our addicts, not diagnosing each other with mental disease when there is none or trying to make each other feel "sick" to do what feels instinctive to them.

Shocked, I hope you do change your name, as this is your son and you are both in it for the long haul. We are ready to embrace you with love and support. There are so many here who will not judge but who will reach out to you with understanding, compassion, empathy, and loving support for your pain.

I am happy that your son is in a place you feel comfortable with, that you feel sure will treat him with compassion and caring while you cannot contact him for 2 months. I hope and pray too that he will make it through that difficult time without your constant reassurances of love and support.

Statistics show that family support is the #1 predictor of success in a program of recovery for an addict.

Your son is very very blessed to have such a caring parent in his life, I hope that soon he is well enough to have more of a "give and take" loving and healthy relationship with you.

Much Love and support,

Isabela

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Shocked)))) Am so glad you are here. A lot of people may have been hesitant to reply because we are "advised to NOT give advice" here, but I figure people are going to do what they want to anyway. I had not read your post until just now, and my first thought was yeah, send the $$$ to the rehab place. I know you must be worried sick about your son. I have a daughter who is 30, and she has never asked me for much of anything, but I know if she did, I, like the others, would move Heaven and earth for her.

My husband's son is an A and 26 years old. He is in jail a lot, never calls his Dad unless he is in trouble. He lives in Michigan, 6 hours away from us. A lot of times I get frustrated because my A husband can't see what the problem is, and he has enabled his son a lot. But, he's getting smarter. Last time my stepson called for $$$ for electric co., cos his electric got turned off, husband sent it to the electric co. And he says he only paid it because our baby granddaughter was there, too. But, I figure if it got cold enough, the baby's mom could take the baby to her mom's house. Just my opinion. But I have to let my AH do what he feels is necessary regarding his son. That is his son. I would not like him to tell me what to do about my daughter.

I hope everthing works out OK for you and your son. Keep coming back, please! You are very welcome here, and I think you will find the answers you are looking for. I know I did, and still am. It does work. Your son needs you to get better, too. That's what Al-Anon is all about. A lot of times, if we get better, they will get better too. Not always, but sometimes. Anyway, I figure it sure can't hurt, and it makes me feel better.

Love in Recovery, ((((Shocked and Shocked Son))))

Becky1

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

To me I see a difference between sending money to the place, and sending it to him. If you give it to him, you are just saying - "Take advantage of me one more time, it's OK" If you send it to the place, you are saying, "There is help here, ready and waiting for you, all you have to do is go get it". Still leaving him the dignity of making his own choices, but supporting a healthy choice. It might look like enabling at first glance, but I don't think it is.

Anyway, life doesn't come with an instruction book, we do the best we can with what we know. Welcome, I hope you feel comfortable enough to stay. Don't worry about doing it right, here - we all know what it is to be in a panic about our A loved ones.

A book you might find helpful, many of us do, is Toby Rice Drew's Getting Them Sober - lots of common sense dos and don'ts to avoid enabling.

hmrnrnmm · Veteran Member

I can't give you advice on your son. I have never had children. It is hard having an active A in your life. I wanted to share with you another program for those of us who do not have alanon close by. This is an email I got when I asked for information on the Lone Member Service.

Good Luck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for contacting the World Service Office of Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc., regarding the Lone Member Service.

The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. Al-Anon is composed of non-professional, self-supporting, mutual support groups. Anyone whose life has been affected by a problem drinker is eligible for membership in Al-Anon.

The Lone Member Service is a correspondence program for members who cannot travel to the nearest Al-Anon meeting due to distance (25 miles or more from a meeting), physical impairment, or illness. The members of the service correspond by writing letters to Lone Member Contacts, members who attend regular face-to-face Al-Anon meetings.

The Lone Member Service Guidelines, Fact Sheet, and registration form can be printed at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/LML.pdf . Adobe Acrobat Reader software is needed to open the documents. Adobe Acrobat Reader is a free program that can be downloaded at www.adobe.com. After reviewing the documents if you would like to participate please complete the registration form and mail it to the address on the form.

We have found that members who are unable to attend meetings and have access to the Internet often choose to participate in Electronic meetings rather than the Lone Member Service. Electronic meetings provide contact with more members than would be accessible through the Lone Member Service.

Although Electronic meetings and the Lone Member Service cannot replace the human companionship and warmth provided by face-to-face meetings, we hope that you will find these options to be a source of support when it is impossible or impractical to attend regular meetings.

An Al-Anon on-line meeting list can be obtained through the following link:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/grpsrvreqform.html

If you are able to attend face-to-face meetings please call our toll-free meeting line at
1-888-425-2666, 8AM-6PM, Eastern Time, Mon-Fri, except holidays.

peewee · Senior Member

Hi Shocked,

I'm glad you resolved that problem of sending the money to the facility. It's only money, heh heh. Could be a good investment, and like all investments, there is a certain amount of risk for you.

You know, we are not supposed to give Advice here, but instead Encouragement and Understanding along with Hope. But if you will come to our meetings at 9 a.m and 9 p.m. here, I think you will gain more tools for dealing with your situtation.

I too had an out of control situation with my son many years ago, and I understand completely what you are going through.

Bless you and bless your son. I hope for a good outcome.

Mspeewee

Lexie · Senior Member

(((((Shocked)))))))

I would have responded sooner to your post, but haven't read on the message board for a couple of days. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. I, too, have a son that is an addict. He has not been an addict as long as your son has, but hit his bottom after having gone through some horrible things due to his addiction. His dad and I have spent thousand's of dollars on him and are broke because of it. But, the good news is, he is in recovery, doing well and has been clean for over 18 months now. He is working hard at his program and it was the best money we have ever spent. The pain of having a child that is an addict is something that can't be described to someone who hasn't experienced it.........just as having a spouse or a parent that is an addict can't be explained to someone that hasn't known that kind of pain. I have no other addict in my life except my son and have only the experience of that kind of pain to draw on. So, shocked, in my opinion, we can only do what we feel is right deep down in our hearts for our addict sons. If sending the money to the facility makes you feel as though you did the right thing, then you did. I would have done the same thing.

Please keep coming here and let us know how you and your son are doing. And do join us in open chat and online meetings. They do help and we do care. Be sure to tell us who you are if you decide to change your name. I look forward to seeing you and chatting with you. Hang in there and keep taking care of you. Your son will have to work hard at his program and at taking care of him. You and your son are in my prayers.

Blessings, Lexie

desparate · Newbie

Dear Shocked~

I am new to this forum as well --- and don't have much to share with you, except to say that I am sorry you felt neglected and there are those of us out here that support you in whatever decisions you make for yourself and in support of your son. Whether you had decided to send the $200 or had decided not to, I believe you would have been making the decision based on what you felt was truly in his best interest --- and that is something you should be proud of and commend yourself for. It's also really hard to reach out for help sometimes, and I'm glad you were able to do this and to accept other's feedback especially when it comes to parenting. I hope your son follows-through, but more importantly I hope you are proud of yourself for taking the time to think through your decision regardless of its impact on the final outcome. I think, when it comes to putting out money on another's behalf, we always have to do so knowing that we are doing it because it is what WE want to do NO STRINGS ATTACHED the one on the receiving end owes us nothing. That's a hard thing to accept because we hope that others are good and kind and decent and will make healthy choices, but just because we wish it, doesn't make it so. If your son is able to utilize this opportunity right now or not, I hope you see that you have done all you can and it is now up to him. I'm not sure if what I've shared is in line with Al-Anon or not, I just wanted to support you.

Be well~Desparate

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I had wondered why some centers do a thing of transporting someone with an escort. Your story really shows why. I have also known alcoholics and addicts who had their one last drink before going into rehab. I think that is also part of the disease.

I am glad that you are saying that you will be coming here. I know I have found great great solace here. I think this group will help you to set limits, focus on you (you are worth the attention) and to be able to withstand the inevitable ups and downs of your son's treatment.

I hope he does make it. Whether he does or not, the issue is that we are "there" for you regardless. You will never have anyone judge you here. Unfortunately because of the issues with cyberspace and other concerns sometimes people don't get back right away. Nevertheless this is a good group to come to to hear esh. I know the honesty, clarity and realness of this group is so refreshing for me. There is no competition here of who has the worst story, who has the most suffering and more that can occur in groups.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Maresie

nikkilou · Senior Member

(((((((((((((((((((Shocked))))))))))))))<=A big Hug

Sorry i did not write before this. I only check this site at night. Not sure this will help but My A went to rehab three times before stopping. Never that long of a program just a week at a time. The last time he new was the last time for him and for me. Well he went out with a bang got as drunk as he could he has been sober a little over a year in a half. I do think you did the right thing $200 for a chance to have your son back. I'm sure you have spent more over the years. I would not send to him I would also have sent it to the center. That ways he knows help is there and you care but are not going to get played by him either.

I hope you don't change your name If you use the same name all the time it easy for other to follow your story and keep up to date. I hope you post again with an update. Also try not to be offended if not every one replys. Some check for work, other are just seeing what this site is all about. I looked at post for a couple of weeks before i wrote my first post to this day i have never wrote my true name. As much as it is the same for us it is also diffrent. Every one is trying to find peace.

Keep coming

A new online friend NIKKILOU

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This may be totally off the wall, which is "me."

In my experience with raising a son, I sent him on his way at 22. No money, no job, nothing.

Was the hardest thing I ever did. He was not using drugs, just did not have his foundation yet. I had sent him to survival camp when he was a little younger, he grew a lot. But more needed to be.

He is now the coolest thirty year old, married a neat non phony gal with two kids he loves so much. He scuba dives, works remodel, hikes, fishes rafts and has the greatest dog, mastiff and Newfoundland.

We are even closer and he is proud of his time at the survival back packing in the snow of the Blue Mountains, and he will not take money from me at all.

You bet he could have easily been caught and be an A. His father is a mess of an A.

What I want to say is, Ok yes I would send the money. BUT, with the stipulation he finish the program and he has a way home. IF not, you get the money back.I would have you, the rehab and him sign a contract so he knows what the consequences are.

If he makes the decision not to complete this goal, he can make the decision how to take care of himself, how to get home.or how to find a shelter and get a job. Let him get out there, and find his own strengths. NO MORE BABYING THIS MAN!!! That was a hard one for me hon. But my son would not be the person he is, had I done any more for him.

We all need that push out of the nest. We have no idea what we can do unless we have to do it. This includes the A too. I tell ya, now that my 54 ah's mother is in a nursing home, he is out there finally seeing if he can get his life going on his own.

Took that and his brother dieing for all his enablers to allow him the dignity to live his life.

My love to you, our kids are always our babies to us. Sometimes it is so very hard to do the opposite of what we consider being a good parent or good spouse, whatever.

I would love to go out and find my husband and bring him home. But what good would it do him? I would be enabling that horrible drug that has him.

My love to you and your son. love,debilyn

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.