life love drinks - Al-Anon Family Group

desparate · Newbie

life love drinks

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you're trying to get an idea of whether he is really an alcoholic, or whether you're just making a mountain out of a molehill because of your upbringing - is that right? From the point of view of alanon, it doesn't matter - his drinking is causing you pain, therefore it's a problem. Alanon is for you to work on you - to learn to live a full and happy life, whether others are drinking or not, to stop accepting unacceptable behaviour, and to climb out from under the burden that other people's drinking has laid on you. By that definition, you're in the right place.

Whether the problem is your present boyfriend, or your growing up with your dad, we can help you. A good place to start is to find a face to face meeting nearby, if at all possible. You can also read some of our literature - a good book for those who have alcoholic parents is "From Survivial to Recovery". You can buy books from the link at the top of this page, or from amazon or ebay online, or at your face to face meeting (they will probably just lend you the books, if you don't want to buy) or you can borrow them from the public library. We have live chat here - there is usually someone there who will be glad to talk about anything you're concerned about. You can also read back through old posts here - you are likely to read much that applies to your life. We try very hard not to give advice here - instead we share our experience, strength and hope. Not every thing said will appeal to you - that 's OK, you take what you like.

Personally, I have some suggestions of things you might want to think about. You say that you have made it clear to your boyfriend how unhappy you are with his drinking, and that he dismisses your feelings. Does he also dismiss your feelings about other things that are important to you? Is this acceptable to you?

My feeling is that since you have let him know how much you dislike this, and he does not quit (or seriously and permanently cut down) his drinking, he either is an alcoholic, and CAN'T quit, in which case you are letting yourself in for a difficult lifetime, or your feelings just aren't very important to him, which is also not a good thing. In either case, learning about boundaries, and how to set ones which work for you, will be useful to you. We can help you with that here. Welcome

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm thinking you believe there's a problem otherwise you wouldn't have come here. Alcoholics are always great in some way otherwise we'd all be crazy to stay with them right? you said he admits he has a problem? Hopefully he is working on that, but the biggest and hardest thing is just to let it go and see where it leads you. You made it pretty clear that you are sticking with this guy so take care of you and hope that he takes care of himself. Usually the definition of it being a problem in someone's life is if it significantly negatively affects one or more crucial areas of his life. Like Work, Home, Friends, School, Legal, whatever the case may be. So if he has dui's and has lost a job it's probably not a good sign.

I totally understand where you are coming from when you talk about being hypervigilant. I can't even stand to be around guys who have been drinking anymore because of all the negative experiences I have had with them and sometimes I know that drives a wedge because I have virtually no tolerance for it.

Keep coming and take care of yourself and let it go and see what happens.

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Carolina girl--your gut is talking loud and clear, otherwise you'd not be asking for help. I think what you might be looking for is not so much approval to the "Are they/aren't they" question, but "Is there anything I can do" question. And the best answer I can give is that if you're interested, perhaps you might want to go to al anon meetings, for those whose lives have been affected by alcholism in some form or another. If there are no al anon meetings in your area, go to open AA meetings, and listen to recovering alcholics discuss living sober and living in solution, 1 x 24 hour perioud at a time.

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((desperate)))))))

I can so relate to your post. I understand your frustration and anger...this is what I have applied to my life, I hope it helps you:

First we can not control them, we can not make them want sobriety, no matter what, that is the truest fact of all.....I have been married to an A for 19 yrs...in and out of rehabs, ups downs and at time hell....this is one of the hardest facts to accept..we have no control over the addiction..the addiction has total control over the addict....so in accepting this fact we can then realize, we have a life as well, we are wonderful human beings letting this hedious disease suck the very life out of us as well as the addict....

If he is drinking, I do imagine things will get worse...and an addict is an addict....once it begins again it goes straight to hell....Only they have the power to pull themselves out of the addiction....

The good thing is, you also have this power....you can seperate yourself from the loved one in your lifes addiction....and that is the only way to have sanity...it is not an easy task, it is however doable, and as time moves forward...we begin to change and change in waking up in the world of addiction is a wonderful thing.

Best Wishes,
Andrea

desparate · Newbie

I am not certain how to use this board yet, but I am hoping that I can reply to all (4) of you that were kind enough to reply to my message. I am grateful to have a place to share my feelings with others that is safe. I can't really share them with my family, because they have there own issues and would never be able to see beyond my fears re: my partner's drinking. I think all of you hit-the-nail on the head in some way or another. I am not sure what makes someone an alcoholic, exactly --- I've read some of the books you've mentioned and I can never quite relate. My Dad was a "happy drunk" and most of the books talk about those ACOA's who grew up with parents that the drinking caused anger, violence, fights --- stuff that was more obvious. My parents were young, so when my Dad began drinking at all I was already in my teens and it wasn't a problem. Though I noticed my Mom thought it was a problem very soon after he started drinking because she divorced him primarily saying the premise was that he wouldn't admit he was an alcoholic and wouldn't get help. They never faught (until the divorce) though --- I lived in a more-or-less "perfect" home --- then the fairy-tale just kind of shattered one day when they started to ignore one another, then he moved out, then the divorce, he remarried --- and now, many years later, I understand that he escapes by drinking. He understands it too. He admits he has a problem now and will talk with me about it, though he is not yet ready to quit.

When I read those books, I always feel like my Mom (who never drinks and never has) is somehow the "alcoholic". She is so controlling and I could never be good enough for her (I got straight As, exelled in everything, was promoted in every job, never brought home a bum, never got in trouble, have never been drunk or done drugs, etc.) --- and yet I didn't really received much praise or encourgament from her and didn't feel like she was proud of me. My Dad, who is emotionally-detached, tells me he loves me more easily than she does. She bottles it all up, uses me as her only support (she is VERY prone to co-dependence and probably has borderline personality disorder). She is wonderful with children (probably because she can control them --- but somehow is ACTUALLY really good with kids despite this) but as any child ages she suddenly doesn't know how to keep being a healthy "mom" and doesn't know how to have relationships (in any manner) with adults. She and I have been working on this as well. I've set boundaries and given her expectations and she has been trying. Nothing major --- just things like telling me she loves me now and again, expressing her pride in me (she has it, just doesn't focus on the positive things), trying to not dwell on negative things, trying to share the conversational topic with more than just her own life happenings, etc. Otherwise it used to and still would feel emotionally abusive with her.

Anyhow --- that's all kind of the preface that sets the scene, I guess for my boyfriend and I. We are both very independent people (probably because we are frightened of becoming our codependent parents). I am frightened, most, of becoming my mother (controlling). And he is frightened most of becoming his father (alcoholic, loner, evasive). And both of us are prone to what we fear. And the two could so easily feed one another it frightens me and can only lead to us feeling bad about ourselves while we dislike the other's negative tendencies. Make sense? (I'm sure you all completely understand this.)

So, he, around the age of 30 has increased his intake of alcohol and another popular rather accepted substance these days. And this is bringing up huge issues for me. He does recognize that he has a problem, when pushed --- but battles with also wanting to feel like he can do what he wants, when he wants, and should be allowed to "deal" with things in his own way (sometimes dealing with his family baggage by entering an altered state of reality; and sometimes meaning he is dealing with his tendencies towards using by talking with his therapist and trying to cut back). He has cut back, but then also moves forward.

One of you said he will only get worse? Will he? Am I simply supposed to leave him because he has an issue he is trying to work on --- only to one day meet another person who will have issues of their own (potentially worse; most likely the same!)?

Part of me is with you on this --- people don't change - in essence. His struggles will remain the same. Part of me, truly believes that that is a really fatalistic viewpoint to carry. I think it is healthier to find a balance between accepting reality in the "here and now" and supporting others who are actively working on their issues. Instead of finding yourself in a pattern of leaving anyone and everyone who I might find fault with. That would mean the same would have to apply to me --- that I can't change --- so why would I want to work on my own issues then? Or how could I ever be worth anything to anyone --- and I refuse to accept this thought pattern. (Though I also refuse to ever be a victim --- there are clear lines that must be drawn in many cases.)

I don't know what I am looking for. I like the idea that I need to use this as a forum to get to know myself better and I need to work on myself. I saw a therapist for a while (a good one, mind you) and she wasn't sure that "I" needed therapy but understood that if I didn't keep using her for support regarding the struggles I had with the issues others in my life were having --- that I would explode and truly need her services. I was glad that she believed in proactivity and prevention rather than waiting for me to breakdown and needing her reactively. I'd like to go to a meeting, maybe. But this feels comfortable right now. Hope that is okay.

Thank you for your feedback, and for sharing some of your own stories, it helps.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

So many of the issues you raised in your reply are ones that have come up in my face to face meetings - esp. the non-alcoholic parent acting like the 'sick' one (gee, would that have any resonance here?). Many of your issues are ones that our program is designed to help with.

Alanon has different 'levels' - there is a lot of the crisis relief that you see on this board, but there is also, and most importantly, deep personal change brought about by seeing ourselves clearly, working the steps. Have you done any reading of the daily readers, like Courage to Change, and One Day at a Time in Alanon? They may be more what you are looking for.

You certainly will not be told to leave your bf. I stayed with my husband (he sobered up at the age of 51), and although we had some very very hard years, I don't regret it. Although I did not find alanon until after he sobered up, I did stumble upon some of the basic tools earlier on, and when applied to my life they made it possible for us to be reasonably happy for much of the time, even when he was drinking. It is possible to be happy while living with an active A - however, it is very difficult. This program can help you keep your footing on this shifting surface. It's right, he will get worse, but that does not mean that YOU have to.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.