The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Well after getting away to my motel last weekend after finding out the "affair" was real - I finally confronted AH about it and told him I knew it really happened now. I told him I needed some more time to digest, he said it is over now (who knows?) and he is mellowed out, staying home - but I have to get out more and not just be there all of the time.
He did finally get hired at a printshop (Thank you God!!!) so whatever happens at least he has income now. His birthday was Saturday and I had bought concert tickets for us. It was a fun day, we went up to Boulder early and hung out on the mall, then went for sushi and saw the band who were amazing!!!! I feel old - haven't been to a concert in a long time. He drank but we still had fun, I didn't stop dancing for 3 hours!
I am still aching about the affair. He asked if we could just move on and get over this. There are so many things I want to ask him. He did tell me that he really didn't want anyone else but me, he tells me really sweet things, but how do I get over thinking that he is just lying? Strange, BUT I have to let HP take the whole situation. There is nothing more to say to AH without fighting, and I am SO tired of the drama. It's been going on forever it seems.
I am going to face to face meetings this week, as much as I can. I am asking HP for higher self-esteem. I don't need anyone's approval. I don't need to ask AH if he loves me fifty times. I don't need to ask anything more about this affair. If he really wants her, he will go get her, and I will move on. I am getting stronger. I will not worry about if I leave and go to my meeting, will he call her? Will he go out and meet her? I am letting go and letting God. I have to.
Also the humiliating sex tests I had to take came out negative!!!! Thank goodness. There are some things to be thankful for. I had a rough week last week, and will make it a good week this week.
Congratulations on getting yourself together. I am so glad you were able to get away. Now you always have in the back of your mind... things may get bad and I may get upset, but I can work with my HP to get through it!
That's what I read in your post and it's true if you allow it to happen. ;)
For those days that you may not be sure... we are here for you!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You are sounding so much stronger every day. I have a feeling you will be OK, no matter what life throws your way!
Glad you had a good time at the concert! It surely helps to get away, get out, and let yourself go, doesn't it? I think, for myself, I have trouble having a good time, sometimes, because I always have to be in control. Sure feels good to "Let Go and Let God." It's hard to dance holding onto all of the stuff we hold onto (hurts, resentment, anger, sorrow)!
Also glad the tests you had to take turned out OK. Thank God for that!
I know an affair can completely knock us off our feet, send us reeling, I've been there too, with my A, years ago, when we were together the first time. Took me many years to get over it, but that was before Al-Anon. I beat myself up for a long time over HIS mistake! AGGGHHHH! How dumb is that? I didn't make him have an affair, he just did. You know, this may sound mean, but I see these beautiful, smart, wealthy women, like the model, Christy Brinkley, and HER husband cheated! So, I guess it doesn't matter who WE ARE, if a guy's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat, no matter what we do. Kind of like drinking, I guess. We cannot control their every move, and it really has nothing to do with how attractive or fun we are. It's is something broken in THEM that makes them do it.
Good for you for realizing that, and going ahead and going to your meetings.
Glad you had a fun weekend, in spite of everything. Hang in there. The best is yet to come.
I too know well the pain of a cheating spouse. It took me years to stop blaming myself..pre-alanon. I bought into her explanation that it was somehow my fault that she had affairs, because I wasnt supportive enought of her. I actually asked her to forgive me for making things such that she felt it necessary to cheat.
I now know that apology was just my way of doing what I always did, make excuses for her behavior.
I remember reading in a magazine that, as a part of establishing trust back in the marriage, the *councelor* threw the guy out until he broke up the affiar, stayed broke up for 1 year, and gave a through account of his wearabouts with at least one reliable person that could verify--it was like he was getting a sobriety slip signed at work, at meetings, at confrences, everywhere! And anytime someone asked, he had to tell them the truth. Of course, one time he screwed up (he tried to pull a fast one) and the councelor called his boss! His boss then turned around and asked if there were "family issues" that would "interfere" with "personal life."
WOW Tiger, I thought I had heard it all...where did you read this?
I used to think that husband was full of baloney when he said that he could not seek treatment as he did not trust privacy issues, that it would get out at work through his insurance plan that he had an alcohol problem and he would be ruined.
That would be bad enough...but a counselor calling your boss to tell them about your personal infedility problems? YIKES!
I would have to check that "counselors" credentials as he/she could lose their license, if they had one which I doubt. Most sane people would not risk years and years of hard work, and tens of thousands of dollars in tuition fees for their education over a single client and phone call.
WOW, I thought the days of the "scarlet letter" were over! That is the equivalent of what this creep is doing to that poor guy.
I would sue that counselor for everything he/she was worth, would write in a formal complaint to the state licensing board, and call the newspapers and have his practices investigated by a investigative reporter and expose him or her as a fraud. I would also pursue stalking charges and sue them for character assination and slander.
Wow, the more I learn the more I realize that husband actually has good instincts and is probably right about a lot of things. No wonder he self medicates...his distrust in the "counseling " profession seems to have a basis in fact due to quacks such as this.
This is so sad...due to sadistics sick creeps like this sham "counselor", many sick people are distrustful of the counseling profession which could offer them real help.
