The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
wednesday night my ex ah called and we talked and i stayed in my program. for the most part. but he was getting drunker as we spoke and i finally just told him that he is not a victim. that he has choices. that this is his life and he is a grown up and can do what he wants. the only true vicitms in this are the children. i wasn't mad or mean but it is what i believe and i was so sick of hearing him whine about his life. i also said something along the lines of his family that he is living with not capable of loving him. they are only there for what they can get from him and how he can make them feel. probably not all that "programish" to say but again it's just how i feel. which i stressed that these were just my opinions and my point of view.
thursday morning he woke up and decided he was done with drinking. i, ofcourse, having been this route before didn't hold my breath. but, he made it to a meeting and hasn't had a drink since wed. night. it has been so hard for me not to be patting myself on the back or think that i had some hand in this. i know i didn't.
but the big problem was/is his family. he's been drinking with them and they are very very sick people. so, he knew he had to get out of there asap. he knew that if he isn't drinking with them they won't allow him to borrow their cars. so, he found a room for rent out near me and the kids. we live about half hour from the city where his family lives. so, he rented it today and is staying there tonight. again the hard part for me is to not feel superior in that yet again when he wanted happiness and sobriety he turned from them and to me. like i'm some kid going "nanana boo boo he likes me better". between me and you, i'd rather he didn't like me so much. i can't 12 step an alcoholic. i'm not an alcoholic. i'm doing the best i can to make 12 step look attractive and it is my life so it is what i am and what i do. he's got some numbers of some guys that he hasn't seen in the 7 months he's been out of the program and he called one tonight.
i have my doubts about the entire situation. i don't feel like any boundries are being crossed but i saw myself taking over his life today and offering help when he hadn't even asked for it. he has never lived on his own. he went from his mom, to his 1st wife at 17, and then to me at 21 and then back to his mom. so, this is a huge step for him and i'm excited for him. it is very different from anything he's done before. but he is sick. very sick and on top of being newly sober and all that goes with that he has a mental illness which he is not treating right this minute. and last i brought it up he denyed having one. he was drunk but i haven't brought it up since.
i know i have been a good friend. what i have done so far is what i would do for anyone of my friends. and he is the father of my kids and i feel that gives me an extra stake in him. i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i have no control over wether he drinks again or not. i am ok today because i've been doing this without him and i know i can do it. i do not want him back. i do not want to be married to him or live with him. i know that i never want that again. but i'm not sure that he understands that. and i don't want to get into that right now because he is unstable in his sobriety. but he is respecting me and my boundries....when i tell him what my boundries are.
so, i'm ok for now but still feeling a little skiddish about the whole thing. i know what my motives are. and they are not all pure and good or unselifish. but i do wonder what his motives are. really. and i am leading him on. i know i am but i'm scared not to. for many reasons. i am scared to live my life like i have been. it's an old pattern and i've fallen right back into it. although i now see that it's me. it's up to me, not him. so, i have to change what i don't like.
You keep working your program for you and no one else. You will be a good example for him if he wants to follow it. Your also setting a great example for your kids on how to be emotionally healthy. Good for you!
I hope his sobriety sticks with him this time. I too still don't get my hopes up that hubby's will be long terms. In my heart I want to believe that. And I see changes in him this time that I haven't seen before. He also has longer bouts of sobriety now. But in the back of my mind, I still prepare myself just in case. Call it self defense.
You can be loving and supportive of his recovery without wanting to get back together. My A's first wife does that. It benefits all. He gets to see his kids and grandkids, and the ex and him have become friends again. That makes it easier on us. It's not a bad thing.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think it sounds like you are doing great, setting and keeping your boundaries. You sound like a very compassionate person who most of all is being compassionate to herself by being aware of changes and what you need to change. You sound great and strong to me!
It is so hard to want someone to choose sobriety and for it to really work for them this time. The feeling of letdown is so intense. That is why detachment is such an important tool I have learned here. Not to expect much. That seemed sad to me at first but now, it is a goal for me to expect myself to be human, to expect fears and anxieties, to expect feelings to crop up, but the trick is to try to feel them and then to let them go. Life is so short, and precious.
Your kids will respect you if they don't already. You sound like you are a peaceful, patient person who has a lot to offer anyone. You are right, it is pretty much impossible to 12-step an alcoholic if you are not one, but also someone you love that is pretty close. Someone told me once that the best thing you can do is set a good example in the way that you live. It sounds like you are doing just that.
Change is inevitable, the ground is always going to shift beneath our feet. So just hang on and pray to your HP, love your loved ones, and make it one day at a time!!!!
