feeling sad...need some hope - Al-Anon Family Group

twinkie · Senior Member

feeling sad...need some hope

broken8 · Newbie

Hello. I am new to this as well and cannot tell you how important some of your posts have been to me. My last 2 boyfriends were A's. The first, emotionally abusive and controlling(3 years) The second an excellent womanizing manipulator with a penchant for choking me (last year and a half) Still I loved and cared for them both. Felt sorry for them. Tried to take care of them. Confident that my love would help them overcome. What a bunch of crap. Instead all I did was put myself in a positon to be hurt and mistreated. I have lied to everyone I care about because of the overwhelming shame. I have lost any respect I ever had from anyone I know. But here is the real issue. I helped the second one get in a program and all of a sudden he is happy and healthy and positive about life, etc. And i still want to SCREAM! Granted, I wanted him to get well and be happy but I am left holding the bag emotionally. To him, everything should just be forgotten and is "in the past" and to me....well I feel hurt, humilated and downright robbed. I know that that is terrible, but I am such a loss and have NO ONE to talk to because everyone thinks that I have nothing to do with him anymore. Has anyone else been down this road?

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

twinkie,

It is a dance as you say. But what we learn in Alanon is to focus on ourselves. Remember the 3 C's - can't control it, didn't cause it, can't cure it. Easy does it on yourself. The disease is cunning and hides from us.

Keep coming back.

In support,

Nancy

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Twinkie,

Don't beat yourself up we are all on the same ride here. Sometimes the rollercoaster is up sometimes down. I remember reading something that said kids actually know where they stand with the A because the A is predictable with their behaviour it is us constantly changing our minds. I have been married 22 years and often still find myself in the situation you describe. You have to wonder sometimes what keeps us stuck. Even those who are financially well off sometimes choose to stay. Try and focus on what makes you happy first and go with it. We are all caregivers on this board who overwhelmingly have lots of love to give out yet we deny it to ourselves. Luv Leo xxo

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to both ((((((twinkie and broken)))))))),

wow, you both just brought back a lot of memories for me. funny how they surface when you least expect them. i am not in a relationship with an A but I keep coming here and attend face to face meetings. why? often people ask me. because this program helps me. i am an ACOA. years and years of living repressed took its toll on me and in this program, i began to "mature" to rid myself of the blame and shame and focus on the recovery and growing up and trying each day to be a better person.

get to a meeting. pick up some literature and read to your heart's content. we are all children of a higher power (I happen to call God) and deserve all the love and nurturing out there in this great big wide world and if you aren't getting it from your A's in your life, maybe it's time to take a new road. only you know the answer to that.

keep coming and posting ~ we also have chat room with meetings and all.
Maria123

faraway06 · Member

Dear Twinkie--

So glad you reached out. I've been where you are...unfortunately it was after seven *years* that I finally listened to myself and a higher power, recognized I couldnt control the situation, and started taking care of myself. I'm so glad you found Al-Anon much earlier than I did; this virtual group (which I've just found recently, too) is particularly wonderful because you can reach others anytime, anyplace. Keep coming back. It helps share with others who know the insanity of alcoholism and the self-doubt we endure living with it.

I too had a whirwind romance and held on to the illusion very tightly for a very long time. (now that I'm a bit more self-aware than I was before, I understand this was a deep state of denial!!) The A in my life once revealed something extremely valuable in a moment of extraordinary honesty: "alcoholics are very good at getting others to believe what we want them to believe." Wow... it was so powerful, so true, it knocked the wind out of me. I just wish instead of believing the lies of the A for so many years and holidng on through the ups and downs (and being deluded by the few good times), instead I believed in myself, believed in a HP, and let go of the illusion that is a relationship with an active alcoholic.

Sounds like you're asking yourself the right questions. Dont be afraid to do what you have to to take care of yourself--and dont forget to do at least one nice thing for youself every single day!! If you can get what you need leaving the relationship but staying in the new city, then you'll know if that is right. If you dont get what you need where you are, there is no shame in going home, acknowledging what you learned from the situation, and putting yourself first.

I credit you for your strength. Hang on, it does get better. This is a huge change and any transition-especially the big ones take time. Its only recently I finally learned that I dont have to feel guilty for taking care of myself. You, too, are allowed to put yourself first without self-doubt or the undeserved criticism of the A.

May you find the answers you're looking for and the peace and serenity you deserve.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I certainly saw tons of red flags with the A. I acknowledged them but I did not know what to do about them. I was "in" and I did not know how to get out. I also did not know how to manage his erratic, selfish behavior or the mother issues or the work issues, or the money issues. Thanks to al anon I do. I did see the red flags and I did not know how to deal with them..why beat myself to a pulp about it. As Oprah says now I know better I do better. I do not know what background you come from, I come from an extremely deprived, abused, neglected background, I have lots of issues because of that. I can embrace those issues today rather than beat myself over the head with shoulda, coulda, woulda.

I think the back and forth of should I stay or should I go is part of the grieving process its called negotiating. Sometimes some people can negotiate a relationship sometimes they can't. I do see it as very much part of my process though and it is something I "do" in any situation so I also do not beat myself up for doing that.

I do go for the plan b for leaving at the moment and I work on it daily. I don't have a fixed date on when it will be I just have a process I am working through which includes daily tasks and lots of unravelling.

I do know that my A, like yours it seems, seem to demand huge commitments and sacrifice and then not reciprocate. I had not seen that before. I will work on myself so I can accept and want and ask for a reciprocal relationship rather than me giving till I drop dead.

Maresie.

RedHead · Member

I am also new....one month going to al-anon meetings after 13 years in alcoholic relationship. I also beat myself up over ignoring VERY obvious red flags in the beginning. But I try to be kind to myself because I must have been in a very vulnerabale mind frame to allow him into my life even though I knew he wasn't quite right. I did not know much about alcoholism when I met him...found out that I STILL don't but I'm learning. He made me laugh when we first met...he could be fun...but he could also be a mean SOB. Why I chose to ignore that, I don't know? We've had some sober years....one was two years long..it was wonderful but we have had some really bad years. He's been supportive through three cancer diagnoses but he's also broken up my house on a few occasions. He has been mostly verbally and emotionally abusive but a few times he has left some bruises when he's grabbed me a little too hard.

I am still with him and he is half-heartedly trying the AA thing. I can tell he isn't ready to give up the bottle yet. I am going to do my best to work the al-anon program. It does seem to give him some strength when I go to my meetings.

Just try to not beat yourself up.....the A does that to us enough. Be kind to yourself and try not to question yourself. You are not weak. You are not stupid (things I've thought about my self in the past). None of us can explain why we chose the path we have. All we can do is try to be good to ourselves right now and in the future. We deserve it.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

We do the best we can with what we have - every little step towards health is positive.

Even very small steps make a difference - every time I cuddled up and watched a movie with the kids instead of crying at the window wondering where the A was, every time I took them and the dog for a walk rather than staying in the house when he was in an explosive mood, every time I took a bath with candles and scented bubbles instead of nagging at him for his laying on the couch drinking the night away.... Every tiny step you make to feel better about your self and your life gives you the strength for the next one. Before you know it, you are making real changes, that make a difference.

Try to get to face to face meetings if you can - they really help. Just the fact that you are acting as if getting what you want and need is important, is a big step in the right direction.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Twinkie , am sorry your having a rough time right now , but it is okay to love an alcoholic , as long as u take care of yourself and your own needs. Living with an alcoholic is truly too much for m ost of us and early sobriety is just plain nuts sometimes. Learning to live with out alcohol is not easy for either of you. When drinking we knew what to do , with out it we don't , to me the answer is just carry on regardless of wether they are drinking or not.

I didn't know how to do that when i arrived here along time ago, and this program showed me how to do that . With out this prog I could not have stayed in this marriage, I learned here to get my life back to be ok regardless of what he was doing. Not easy but possible.

I learned to step aside and allow him the dignity to do it his way , I am not sorry I stayed in my marriage we have 18 yrs sobreity here n ow and i still attend al anon meetings on a weekly basis he is still alcoholic and I still react to him . period it really is that simple.

This is a program for living my life and getting the most out of each day

I hope u stay with us until u really really know what u want for yourself and then stay for yourself . bye for now Louise

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.