Newbie - Al-Anon Family Group

RedHead · Member

Newbie

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Redhead,

Welcome to MIP! Lots of strength, hope, and experience. I am sitting here alone on a Saturday night. I suppose my AHsober is out kicking up his heels. It does seem like they are having all the fun. But they medicate to hide their pain.

We just need to learn as much as we can about the disease. Focus on our own recovery program. And learn to let go. From what I have learned here on the board, I don't think any relationship is easy to end.

In support,

Nancy

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, glad you found us. This is a good place to come between your face to face meetings.

One thing that changed my mind about that "he gets to enjoy his drunk and pass out on the couch while I'm off stewing somewhere. " feeling - believe me, I know that one. First, I don't HAVE to sit here stewing. I can do something enjoyable instead. It's funny, my husband often works out of town - I used to be fine with him being gone if I knew he was working, but if he was out drinking? Boy, for some reason then I would feel so sorry for myself sitting home alone. But really, it's MY choice how I spend my time, and whether I enjoy it.
Second, was going to open AA meeetings. When you hear the sober A's share about what their lives were like when they were drinking, you realize that it isn't actually all that much fun - they are in a lot of pain. It may not look that way, but they know what they are doing to us and to themselves, and they deep down, hate it. Hate themselves. Since they can' t face that, of course they have to turn it around, and make it all our fault, but really they know that they are fooling themselves. It takes a lot of lubrication to keep that level of self deception going.

So I have stopped envying the A - I choose my life and it's a pretty good one. Even now that my husband has been sober for a while, he is still a much more tortured person than I am. The difference is that now I don't feel that it is my job to make him happy, or to stop him from destroying himself. I try to love him best I can, and love myself too.

RedHead · Member

I have not been to an AA meeting yet. There is one that is about four blocks from my home....my A goes to this one WHEN he goes. He doesn't seem comfortable with me going to the same AA meeting that he goes to so I will have to find another open AA meeting. They are every where in this part of the state I live in so it shouldn't be hard. I have made progress in going one with my life while he is laying on the couch drunk...I will go to my mom's or daughters or whatever. I used to just lay on my bed, curl up in a ball and cry. No....I won't do that ANY MORE. So I am making progess. I may feel like crap when I am out but at least I am out.

But thanks for your support. It is appreciated.

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

just wanted to welcome you redhead ~ keep coming and keep posting ~ each day we break the isolation of alcoholism is a win for humankind and a loss for the "bottle."

check out our chat room too.
welcome, Maria123

faraway06 · Member

Hi, Red--

Just a note to say welcome and keep coming back. I am and what an incredible source of comfort and experience.

I am now going through a breakup with the A in my life and spent years trying to figure out if and how I should, how I could make it less painful and messy--"without any hassle" as you say. Truth is, when it happens (if it is what needs to be done) its not easy and we can't control how messy, painful, difficult its going to be. For me, the funny thing is, I was so co-depedent and self-involved thinking about what the A was doing to me, and how she wasnt meeting my needs that I never realized the A also wasnt happy. In the end, while I was still gathering the courage and figuring out how to break up "smoothly" and "cleanly" without hurting her feelings or mine, she decided to leave me! In the end, it really is the right decision for both of us, but my years of believing we could have a hassle-free breakup (we were in a 7=year relationship)--unrealistic expectation!

Though its hard, if you are not getting what you need then only you can decide for yourself if you want to work for change and whether you can get what you need from your relationship. It's not easy to deal with the pain and the logistics of a breakup (FYI, I live overseas and my ex still lives with me because of visa issues that prevent her from finding a place of her own). It's really difficult sometimes but the freedom that comes when you deal with reality and take care of yourself, even when its hard, is extraordinary. Through al-anon I've learned to let go of so much--controlling behavior, unrealistic expectations, the belief that I can change things outside of myself. Let go and let God says so much. Sometime things are messy, but our HP is there with us.

My very first alanon friend once told me, there are only three answers God provides when we ask a question: "yes", "not yet", and "I have something better in mind." I held on to that thought at my darkest moments. That better "something" takes many forms. Hang on and keep coming back.

May you find the guidance from God and the higher power of alanon to reach peace and serenity.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess one way to break up is through working al anon. I have watched and listened to many people break up here and learned from them.

For everyone it is an individual decision, when you do it, how you do it, why you do it. The joy of al-anon for me is that there is no judgment. No one here is going to tell you what you "must" do.

For me it is no longer an issue of do I stay/leave the A, the issue is do I want recovery. Recovery is such hard work.

I slipped a while back into arguing with the A again. I am back on track now and not showing up to the argument. My life is better as a result. I think it took me a long time to see the benefits of that. My emotional mind won out over the program for a while.

Maresie.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Red , the purpose of Al-Anon is to make u feel better it has nothing to do with him. I understand your anger and feeling he gets the easy way out cause u don't nag anymore. Well there really isn't much point in nagging him as it only gives them a reason * in thier minds* to drink. I am sure if u think about it u must feel better about yourself when your not arguing all the time .

When we get off thier backs it is an oportunity for them to take responsibility for thier own behavior they cant blame u anymore if we don't continue to play the games. *arguing * there is a page in our odat on july 14th that made it perfectly clear what my part in this mess was. That page was like a map for me on * what not to do* . it may help u as well .

Keep the focus on yor needs and allow him the dignity to grow up. When we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves things change quickly. good luck keep on going to your meetings. Step aside so God can get at him . Louise

If u don't have an odat yet email me and I will send u a copy of the page in our odat. abbyal2003@yahoo.ca

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.