The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not long ago, after a two-day binge and the process of sobering was completed, A and I had a little talk. Well, perhaps I should say I had a talk. He never has much to say except the occasional, "Maybe I just ought to leave." After I had my talk with myself, he answered, "Well, I have always done everything you wanted." I felt the heat rise in me when he said that because it was HIS insistence which led us to leave the beautiful home we had in Delaware. I had been lucky enough to purchase my family home which had come on the market shortly before we were married. I jumped at the chance to buy it. My money, I might add. But that is really neither here or there. I loved that gorgeous old Victorian mansion, and was thrilled to be spending the rest of my life there. One day he informed me that he hated Delaware and wanted to leave. My God, I couldn't believe it, but we packed up, sold the house, and left for Utah. HE liked Utah. This was before I knew anything about his drinking problem. Am am a non drinker, we didn't have any alcohol in the house, and he didn't drink either. Well....we bought a home in Utah which I hated from the very day we purchased it, but it was his choice, and I decided to live with it. After a year, I could not live with it, so I began house shopping, convinced that if I could find a lovely home that suited me, I could bear to live in remote southern Utah. The town we lived in, called Kanab, is very lovely. The scenery is not equaled anywhere else in the world, and people come from all parts of the globe just to stand in awe of it. Lovely scenery aside, the nearest WalMart was a 180 mile round trip, and if a person wanted to do any more shopping than that, the round trip was more like 500 miles. But I did find another home I thought would keep me happy. It was a very large southwestern adobe type place with a couple acres of land, backed up to federal government land, which meant that no one could build too close to us. Well, that worked for about a year, when I learned that there were no covenants or regulations on the privately owned land around us, and people started dragging in really seedy looking trailers and plunking them down. WHOA!! I knew then I had to leave. Not only was my property value beginning to decrease, but I hated living in that remote high desert with nothing close by except Colorado City, AZ, where, if you have seen the news lately, you'll know was the home of the infamous Warren Jeffs and his band of polygamists. And, by this time, he was drinking heavily, and my life's happiness plummeted, crashing to the ground with a thud. Remember, I did not know anything about his alcoholism before we married. He didn't think it was an issue because he had been many, many years sober. Hmmmmm....
So I decided this time it was high time to relocate. My two sons are in Seattle, so I suggested we look there. "NO! NO! That's place has a lousy climate," he said after visiting. OK. How about San Diego? "No! NO! That place is too expensive." OK. How about Hawaii? "No NO! That place is too expensive too." OK, how about LaJolla, CA? "NO! NO!" Yada, yada, yada. Finally I suggested San Antonio. I had lived here before and loved the city. We came here, and he liked it too. OK. HE chose the house, which is so far from central San Antonio that I may as well be living in another city. The traffic in our part of town is awful. What we DO have is two wooded acres, a nice enough home, a gorgeous swimming pool, and total privacy. Well, we DID have total privacy until a couple of weeks ago, when huge equipment showed up and stripped all the forest down next to us. A new family is building a home there, and they have stripped away everything, right down to the bedrock!! More than two acres, completely destroyed! We will have no privacy anymore. Well, that's it. I am ready to begin looking for another home. If it is to be here in San Antonio, it will be closer to the beautiful downtown I love so much. San Antonio has an enormous amount of entertainment to offer, but you have to be able to get to it!
But wait...I digress. My point was that after he told me he always did what I wanted to do, I began thinking about that statement, and clearly it is not true. I will want to be either nearer my children or in Hawaii. My kids would love that, and so would I. Or...am I running away? How long can I keep on running? I must go about making the plans to go and do what I where I want to go and do. I am tired of being told what is best for me, what I can and cannot afford, and being made to feel like I am completely stupid in my thinking. Everything I say or do is wrong. I swear, if I were Jesus Christ, he'd find something to disagree with me about!!!
My mood has been dark lately. I go through these times when I am angry and hurt and resentful, and I just have to pull myself out of it, which I manage to do quite well...until the next time.
So kiddies, maybe I, too, need a little hug. Maybe I need some backbone. Maybe I need to assert myself once in a while and insist on doing the things I want to do. I have said I would leave him, but I have not. YIKES!! I really do not know what to do. ALways, all of my life, I have taken care of things; had the good sense to make good decisions. But dealing with this A has torn me to shreds.
Thanks for listening.
Love to all, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
(((((Diva))))! Here's you a bunch of extra hugs. You are doing so great with your program! Don't forget that underneath it all, you are still human, and have feelings. Sometimes anger helps us to heal. Like a sore coming to a head, so it can get better, and not just lie there and fester.
You are surely not stupid! You have offered us so much ESH here. You just sound pretty tired to me today. This living with an A is exhausting work.
Take a breather. Maybe get out by yourself or with a friend today, away from your A. Get some much-needed rest.
You have helped me so many times, although I do not always agree with you. I admire your strength in difficult situations. I don't always have that much strength in me, but I am learning. I have been thinking a lot lately about your comment about how one cannot teach a pig to sing. You said it won't work, and it will only annoy the pig. Good thing to keep in mind.
Here ya go (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Diva)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Well you know very darn well his statement is rubbish. And you know full well you are not stupid! Hardly! Sheese. Just more of the self doubt and guilt ...etc etc etc...that stuff is just more of the "benefits" of loving an A.
You have so much strenght and intelligence my friend. I agree with Becky, find a way to be with yourself today! Go see On Golden Pond if its still there at the Majestic. Give yourself a little break today.
Those big decisions will wait until you are a little clearer of mind!
I hear your pain. Yet, we do learn that geographical changes are just that.... geographical. You have done such a great job of working your program in so many areas. I would have to ask.... what would your choices be if you didn't allow his (AH) thinking to take up residence in your thinking. I can remember moving from place to place so many times, and yet I really couldn't escape myself and I found that what I was truly seeking was that place called serenity. I continue to move pass what I've allowed the alcoholic's in my life to impress upon me. Today I continue to give myself permission to be heard and to give my opinions whether those around me agree with who I am or not. In giving myself permission to be me, I find that I can better compromise when the situation calls for a compromise and not get so tangled up in the tug-of-war that becomes so normal for us. What I have to be careful of today is to not take it so personal when a significant person in my life tries to shut me down in conversation by saying those stop words "never mind", which lets me know that they really only wanted themselves to be heard and acknowledged and wasn't really interested in hearing what anybody else wanted to say about the topic. I just wish sometimes I could get better at just giving them the acknowledgement that they need and just say "wow, that is really great information" and then shut my mouth and be ok without having to add anything else to the conversation.
I hope you can reach the level of peace within yourself. I know that I'm looking for a new home as well but because of financial reasons, I bit off a little too much than I can chew where I am at right now. So part of my move will also be to learn some better financial tatics for the future, as best I can. Today, though, I haven't been able to make a decision as to where to move to or what would be best for me, partly because I still have a couple of kids at home, one a minor, one a young adult and partly because I'm not finding that peace within me as I am looking. So for now, no decision is my decision and I've learned that is good until I have peace with making a decision.
Hope this helps! I have been dark lately too. Must be going around! Hang tight...San Antonio is lovely. My uncle taught school there at St Mary's for 60 years. He is in his late 80's now and barely hanging on. I hope you find a nice place near to downtown so that you can enjoy the riverwalk etc.
Sounds like some of that anger may be aimed at yourself for continually listening to him instead of your gut and what YOU really wanted.What makes us give them so much power over us? Is THAT love? I wonder.I look back on huge mistakes I made because I listened to my AH instead of my instincts.I realize in a marriage there must be compromise,however,where was HIS compromise?Seems it was always me (or you?) giving in and giving up what I wanted.
You have discovered he has a secret (from a previous post),then he has a relapse (previous post),now the relocating thing which has shown him not to be reliabe in his choices.Maybe the trust issue is rearing it's head?
If there's one thing I have gotten from Alanon it's to trust MY instincts.No one knows better than me what makes me happy,or what my needs are.Least of all the A's in my life who are so wrapped up in themselves.I think it's time you trust YOU.What is your gut saying to you?Listen to it.You can be trusted to do what is best for you.The gut instinct, in my opinion, is HP making contact.
Just my thoughts.I could be totally off the mark here.
First of all I commiserate. I live next to people (much much too close) who are crazy neighbors so I know how it is to feel no privacy. I think boundaries, coming to decisions are hard but when you put the alcoholic logic in there it is next to impossible. The A I live with had a fit this week because I said something about his family not being there for him. His family live further up north have property no one lives in (so it decays) and he has this crazy fantasy one day they will hand it to him 6 years into a relationship with him there have been no offers. His family offer, give nothing but demand a lot and that is the way it is with him. He loves unavailable, ungiving people and hates those who give to him. It is the idealize/devalue cycle of the A. I am more able to take a step back from it these days.
I think it is wise to carefully consider big decisions, go over the pros and cons. I am glad you have the wherewithall to do that. I also know that resenting an A is hard work it can take over one's life completely (I had an image of that this week with one of his friends wifes). Take care of yourself, give yourself space, make it your decision, not a huge compromise.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((diva))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Am so sorry to hear you are going though this!!!!! You are a beautiful person inside, on the outside, and I am so glad I got to meet you!!!! pleases take odat and take care of you!!!!!
I love ya Diva!!!!! IF I am in your Area again I will look you up!!!!!!
Holy cow you're human! I love you to death. You know that. So young lady, go forth and do what you need to do to take care of you. Recovery means taking back your life. Living it the way you want and what is best for you. If that means moving to Hawaii: Aloha! You're a grown woman with your own money, and a mind of your own. You are more than capable of taking care of yourself and the animals. GO FOR IT!
I understand the dark moods. I still sometimes get them when I think about the amount of money that was wasted, and the physical/emotional toll that it has taken on both of us. I would feel resentful too, if I didn't know that he had a drinking problem.
Sending you extra love and blessings.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I was married to a Serviceman, and we moved a lot. I hated military housing, so we bought when we could but... I always longed for home. I guess a lot of Maritimers are like me 'cause no matter where we are, we are called 'down-homers'.
When his 20yrs was up, he qualified for a pension. That July(his 20 would be up in Sept), I informed him that I was going HOME. No ifs ands or buts. I told him if he wanted to come, he was welcome (what an idiot!) or I'd go on my own. The kids could choose which parent they wanted to live with(I thought that during one insane moment, but could never have left them with him).He agreed because he has always loved Nova Scotia too, then he surprised me by letting me choose where in the province I wanted to go!
I have always loved the village I now live in, and always felt like it was, or should be my home. It is truly a serenity place, beautiful beyond imagination. The people are very community-minded, just like in the old days :) Of course, having at least 1/2 of the place related to me, doesn't hurt. It's where my Mom grew up, away from the hub bub far enough to be peaceful, but close enough to major shopping. To me, it is Paradise on Earth.
My ex and I broke up after being here for 3 or 4 years. The house was in perfect condition when my ex and family moved in. He was like a bull in a china shop, and it soon started going downhill! He had absolutely no respect for me, and children learn what they live...
It was a nasty divorce and he tried in every way he could think of to make my life miserable,even buying the house across the road from me, so he could harrass me for the rest of my life. I was struggling financially (as well he knew). After being here with the kids for about a year, he offered to take over my mortage. OVER MY DEAD BODY !!!!!!!!! So, I went to work on a dragger, then a lobster boat and paid the mortgage off all by myself with the sweat off my broken back!
Ex ended up re-marrying and moving nearly to the other end of the country.Now, my daughter tells me they want to move back to NS.
My A lives here with me now, and we have renovated the whole house to our taste. It is certainly unique. I have never had one ounce of regret about my choice of where I wanted to live.
Anywho, dear Diva, I followed my dream, and haven't regretted it for 1 mili-second! Wishing you the very best in your quest for serenity and happiness in whatever you decide to do, Love, TLC
Thanks to all of you, friends, for responding to my pitiful little post. Your words have made me feel better about things already. That's what I love about this place. Different as we all are, and no matter what we believe or whether or not we always agree with one another, we all have one thing in common, and that common bond holds us all together like an extended family. Thanks, "family," again for being here.
Love to all Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Whether we live with an A or not we are going to have good days and bad days. You have definitely done some interesting geographics. We left New Mexico for Utah because my AHsober wasn't happy. I had 2 small babies and a succesful career. What was I suppose to do - say see you, I am staying here? I will in fact be going through Kanab next month. Since Utah has state liquor stores, it actually turned out to be a good move. That was where my AHsober became sober. When we are a part of a couple sometimes we are not healthy enough to compromise. I think that the bottom line is that we are stronger than we think.
Yes Nancy. Well, we lived just down the road from a Utah state liquor store, so Utah did not have a positive effect on the A in my life. LOL!! As you go through Kanab, notice the Crescent Moon Theatre on the main drag. Belongs to a dear, dear friend of mine, and she and I did shows there, and ran the place. She is running it herself now. We still talk on the phone weekly. Had a great time, and I do look forward to going back for a visit because with all Kanab's faults, I made many life-long friends there.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
There is a woman in my face to face group who is very tough, very capable - a real take no nonsense type (sound familiar?) One night when the group was discussing how hard it was for us to stand up for ourselves, how hard it was to learn to say no, she said that she had never had a problem with that - she had always been able to be strong. What she said she got from alanon, was permission to be weak, to allow herself to be human, to need a hug sometimes.
Don't think I remember you ever asking for a hug before, ((((Diva)))) - glad to give you one.
I have found that once I have done something I should not second guess my choice(s). What I will do now is ask myself -What have I learned from it and did I take anything from this experience?
I am with lin on this one… I’ve mentioned before, please allow yourself to work thru all these emotions.
I was talking to one of my sponsees today and she couldn't understand why her recovering alcoholic was angry all the time. I told her that seems to be the way alcoholics are; angry and full of blame. Regardless, the anger for you is there for a reason. I believe that when a person has some kind of emotion such as anger or anxiety there's a reason for it. HP wants me to learn something about myself. I go back and do a 10th step inventory and look at what it is that is eating me up inside. Hp also showed me I could learn something when I am happy by the way. It doesn't have to be the miserable times that we learn and embrace our program. One more happy thought for you, "HP doesn't always wrap his gifts in pretty paper." I have had some awful "gifts" turn out to be one of the best learning experiences of my life. So glad you are here with us, and hang in there hon. Much love, SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
There is not much I can add to these replies. I admire your frankness and strength of spirit so much. You have helped me. I have been thinking about your singing pig analogy too, and it has helped me through a few situations at the weekend. It's just impossible....as it is to sometimes to try and understand what makes theA do what they do....I lose patience with it and have given up pitying them and the awful situations they get in to. I think it's beyond my capabilities to understand. And I can only try to accept...and chose for myself....
I know you're chosing too at the moment, and I know it's very very tough....
We are all only human, and are sometimes limited...and we are too hard on ourselves.
I know only too well the draining of spirit that can take place, when living with this disease. The wearing down.....maybe we need a rest at times like this...a time to stop trying to work it all out for a while......just a rest!! I pray you find your peace.
((()) Diva obviously the planets are not conducive to Leos at the moment. lol. We both seem to be a little stuck. I was thinking the other day if happiness comes from within and no one else can create it for you do we also create our own misery? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I find that outwardly I am positive, full of life yet underneath there is deep resentment. Trusting that HP will guide us both in the right direction. Luv Leo xxx
Today is officially "Diva gets to be human day" LOL.
Dear Diva...I am so happy you know that here you can come to your friends and "family" for the support that you need. You can't always be the strong one, you are human like all of us, and you are so compassionate and warm to so many of us it is clear you are a sensitive and caring person, so things no doublt affect you deeply. The fact that you meet all of your challenges is life with such steadfastness, dignity, wisdom, common sense, and humor is a model for all of us.
The best ESH I can share is that I have learned to always keep my options open, and that changing my mind is NOT weakness, it is wisdom. Only the wise can change their course when situations and circumstances suggest it is advisable, it is only the foolish who steamroll on ahead just because it was a plan made in the past just because they said they had to.
Remember, the flexible reed bends with the wind, but does not break, but the inflexible branch breaks with the winds...of life.
It is important to be flexible with ourselves, especially when making life changing decisions.
I was really moved by how fair minded and unselfish you have been with your mate, how you have packed up and moved when he wanted to across the country. You are truly a gracious lady to be so generous and understanding to others with your own money. You are also brave and strong to be able to do this, how I admire you! I have only moved when I had friends or family in the area, it would have been difficult for me to move to where I knew no one.
As others have said...take it slow...if you take it easy and just think and think about what you should do I am confident that one day the "right" path for you will make itself obvious. That is what I have found when I am making tough life changing decisions. I treat my heart and brain like slow 80's style computers, LOL, I "enter" the problem into them and all of the variables, and variables I come accross as I encounter them, then just let my "computers" crunch everything for however long it takes, wether days, weeks, months, or a year or longer for really big problems, then one day the solution appears to me! Often the solution is as crystal clear as can be and I am so relieved I was pateint until it came to me so I could be SURE of what was right for me.
I don't let anyone rush me. In fact I have found that giving myself time and not rushing myself or letting others rush my decisions often gets rid of the problem, LOL. Most people are impatient with this process and say "nevermind" in a huff and blow back out of my life in a hurry, LOL.
You are happy where you are for right now...that is good...so keep talking to your sons, looking around SA just to get a feel for houses in the area, and maybe WA and HA too! Think about your friends and where they are and where you will be the happiest.
BTW...ever consider the midwest (NE Ohio to be specific)? Let's see...the Cleveland Orchestra is considered the finest in the world! We have the Rock and Roll hall of fame...The Cleveland Museum of Art that is also world renowned. What about a beautiful home on scenic Lake Erie? LOL...just kidding...I would love to have you near me but I cannot lie to you, LOL. I will be honest and tell you that it is fridgedly cold, that Lake Erie is brown and or grey (not blue like the ocean) and has a gravely "beech" full of dead fish and other yucky things and often stinks (and it is not a fresh saltwater smell either, LOL), and that it is so cold most of the year that you will only see it from a distance, that Lake Erie breeze from Canada will chill you to the bone. See, you do have some REAL friends who are honest with you...LOL.
Just take your time Diva...you are in charge here...you have the grace, dignity, intellegence, and money to take you wherever you want to go! Don't let anyone rush your decisions, from what you wrote you have certainly met your mate halfway...now it is DIVA'S turn! So take your time to figure out what YOU want and where you want to live. You are in the driver's seat...and you don't have to listen to backseat drivers anymore, LOL.
I love you to death. You know that. So young lady, go forth and do what you need to do to take care of you. Recovery means taking back your life. Living it the way you want and what is best for you. If that means moving to Hawaii: Aloha! You're a grown woman with your own money, and a mind of your own. You are more than capable of taking care of yourself and the animals. GO FOR IT!
