Sorry- this is very, very long

Hello everyone!

I think this is where I need to be.  I attended a few alanon meetings over a year ago, but I have since moved to an area where we don't have a chapter.  Anyway, I think I just need to share my experience so that I can help clarify it for myself.  So, here it goes...

I am 32 years old.  My two year wedding anniversary is this Monday, and I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with our first baby (boy).  My husband has an alcohol problem that we have been dealing with since the day we got married.  Our courtship was very quick, and I didn't fully realize the extent of his alcohol issue at the time we got married.  I knew he had a problem, but thought it was more related to maturity then an illness.  He is two years younger than me- in college (before I knew him), he was a "party guy"- president of his fraternity at a very large university.  I figured he just hadn't quite "grown up" yet and this is why he would drink so much.  At the beginning of our marriage, he would drink a bottle of Jack Daniels a night...although I didn't fully appreciate just how much he was drinking.  After we were married, he would often be drunk, but I didn't realize how often.  I finally realized that we couldn't keep alcohol in the house- I mean, if we bought alcohol, it was gone in a day or two.  This was odd for me because before I was married, I could have a bottle of Jack in my apartment for an entire year.  I never drink alone, and I don't much enjoy being drunk.  There were many times early in the marriage when he would be drunk and/or drive when he should not have been driving.  We talked about the problem several times, and he would always say I was over reacting because I am a "non-party person" or because I am a physician and we are "trained to be unrealistic about alcohol"- his words.  Well, about 6 months after we were married, we moved to Florida (I am a military physician).  During our time in Florida, his drinking became much worse.  Over the Christmas period, he was stuck in California while I was in Florida because his job (at the time, civilian govt employee) wouldn't let him transfer until the following month.  He drank every night in his BOQ room- when he would call me, he would be slurring his words.  He didn't have to punch a time clock or be in an office for his job, so he would just drink and hang out in his rrom all day.  When he finally came to Florida, his drinking was out of control.  We had a big fight about it (not physical, just a lot of yelling) and he agreed he had a problem and would cut back.  Instead, he started drinking behind my back.  I had to be up early, so he would stay up late at night after I went to bed and get drunk.  I'd smell it on his breath, but he would deny it.  His eyes would be bloodshot and he would have nystagmus, but he would down play it.  Then one day while he was at work, I got the urge to snoop.  I went through out home office and found empty vodka bottles in his desk drawer and discovered his golf bag was full of those "nippers"- those tiny bottles- see, at the time he had "self-regulaed" and said he was only going to drink the tiny bottles so he could control his alcohol.  I confronted him about it which led to a HUGE blow out argument (once again, no physical violence- he has never once hit me or even attempted).  After a few days, he told me he had had an epiphany and that he knew he had a problem and was going to cut back.  He did...the amount would wax and wane, but he definitely cut back.  I also never found any more empty bottles anywhere.  Well, 6 months later, we relocated back to Florida with the military where he had to give up his govt job and instead took the bar exam to become a practicing attorney (he has his law degree).  For the first few months, he had a job with a law practice that prevented him from drinking as much because he had to be up and ready to go early every a.m.  Problem is that he hated the job and had a real jerk for a boss.  He eventually told her he didn't plan to do that type of law forever (meaning years down the road) and she decided to repay him by firing him 2 days before Christmas.  Well, drinking back on the up swing, more confrontations.  We reached a point when everytime he was drunk, he had to sleep in the guest room.  He would drink/get drunk about three times a week which he thought was a good thing because it was "only 3 nights a week".  One night, he got drunk off his butt and was outside smoking cigarettes with his friend and I went out and took away the cigs...well, that led to a huge argument where he screamed and yelled, I locked the bedroom door and he burst in, threw stuff around (not ever at me) and then stormed out of the room.  The next day, I cried and told him he had frightened me...he told me he was sorry and said it would never happen again.  BTW, since then, that incident has become "my" fault because I instigated it by taking away his cigarettes which "I had no right to do".  Anyway, one day he comes to me and tells me he is tired of being a terrible person and hates the fact that his wife doesn't like him 3 days out of every week and that he is going to cut back.  He is tired of living like this.  We have a huge discussion where he comes up with his own plan for sobriety (I should mention a few things- he has major depressive disorder and takes 2 antidepressants because one doesn't work...actually two together don't work either because his big problem is alcoholism and antidepressants don't work while you are drinking...and he gets his meds from his dad who is an OB/GYN rather than going to his psychiatrist...dad by the way is also an alcoholic and divorced from his mom after 30yrs of marriage due to infidelity on his part and alcoholism..of course dad tells him he has depression and readily gives him his meds because he is in denial of both his own problem and my husband/his son's problem).  I think this was right after we found out we were pregnant with our first child...he talked all about how growing up with an alcoholic father was terrible and he doesn't want top be that way with his son.  He decides he is going to slowly cut back to two nights a week and then one and then quit altogether before the baby is born (due this December).  Key is that he doesn't want to quit drinking altogether- he has made it very clear that drinking is important to him- he enjoys it and it relaxes him and he will not ever stop drinking entirely or go to AA meetings or the like (interesting side note- he got in trouble in college while studying abroad for a public drunken incident- when he got back to the states, his mom made him go to AA meetings where he decided "those guys had a much bigger problem than I do").  Well, things got much better...he cut back to two nights a week...and then badness happened.  His alcoholic father who is now re-married to a total enabler (the woman he cheated on my husband's mom with) decides to move away from the east coast and take a job practicing right here in our very own rural California town.  My father-in-law introduced my husband to alcohol at an early age and would force him to drink with him in his teens- their entire relationship up until now has been based on booze...at least that is what my husband used to say.  It is irritating to watch him interact with his father because everytime his dad would call, my husband would automatically start drinking while talking to him- its like they can't have a sober conversation.  Anyway, his father moves out here and buys a house about a mile away from ours.  Right before he came out here.  we went back east to visit my mother-in-law who one night after my husband got drunk, then angry at everyone's "disaproval" and then passed out in bed, decided to tell me every detail of her marriage to my husband's alcoholic father.  She also told me about how he has no boundaries and how he is moving out here to have a drinking buddy and that the entire family is concerned that my husband will become a raging alcoholic under his father's influence.  Well, my husband and I had discussed this because I had the same concerns.  He insisted that he was a grown man and his father had no influence over him anymore- he planned to have a new relationship with his dad not based on alcohol.  There were going to be ground rules and no one was to be drunk around our son to be.  All crap- his father came out here and right away my husband's drinking picked up again.  He was only drinking 2 nights a week when he came to me and told me he wasn't happy with that and he was going to go back to three.  His dad comes over or he goes over to his dad's most days of the week- it is the exception when they don't drink together.  We had a big discussion about the alcohol and he said he was going to cut back- instead he just started drinking more.  He would confide in his dad about my disaproval of the alcohol use and although he denies it, I know his dad totally manipulates the situation and encourages my husband to drink despite my wishes.  Then my husband did something he has never done before which is almost strong arm me over the issue- laying the bottom line that he will never stop drinking, this is his problem, and I need to stop nagging and butt the hell out.  He would shut down during any conversation about alcohol (he used to be more receptive) and defend his dad and deny his dad has a serious alcohol problem (after all, his dad is a successful doctor despite his drinking- why can't he be a successful attorney?  The man drinks vodka while he runs on his treadmill for goodness sake!  I honestly don't know how he has never had his medical license taken away...for as much as he drinks, he must have at some point gone to work with at least a hangover).  His dad gave him an old kegerator (sp?) which he has now hooked up in his dude room (refinished garage), so now he keeps alcohol stashed out in the fridge where obviously I can't keep track of it because I don't really hang out there.  SO, I tried a new tactic.  I told him he can do whatever the heck he wants, but he needs to keep me out of it.  I don't want to know about his drinking, any plans for quitting, his next plan for sobriety- I don't want to hear about his depression or how his meds don't work.  I don't want to be involved.  It is his prblem and he needs to fix it.  I have to say, this is harder said than done.  He was so happy for me to butt out...now he drinks whenever the heck he feels like it.  It is hard for me to ignore it.  I am actually a bit angry too because about three weeks ago when I was 23 weeks pregnant, he went to visit his buddy to help him move and basically get drunk all weekend.  I was here by myself and developed pre-term contractions.  I had to drive myself over to the hospital where they put me in a helicopter and flew me 45 minutes to a bigger hospital.  He joined me the next day- he had to sleep to sober up.  They kept me in the hospital for a week- he was very sweet and stayed with me the entire time, but half way through the week, he left the hospital for the evening to go drinking with some of my workers (my medical assistants) and came back to the hospital drunl, passed out, and snored all night (he was allowed to stay in my hospital room).  Well, the day I am finally released, we come home, his dad comes over, and the two proceed to get wasted together after I asked him not too just in case I needed to go to the hospital again.  Well, I am now 26 weeks, just came off bed rest, and where is he this weekend?  Went to hang with his buddy and spend the weekend getting drunk 2 hours from here.  Let's up this weekend is uneventful.  Anyway, I have just reached a point where I am fed up.  I am sick of dealing with this crap.  I am horribly upset that his dad came out here and is encouraging this behavior when he honestly had made a huge improvement.  I don't like the fact that I can't rely on him when I have had problems in this pregnancy (which his dad in his "expert opinion" downplays so that my husband will drink with him).  I worry that he is going to drink when the baby gets here (he says he won't- yeah right) and I am going to get stuck doing everything.  I don't want my son to become an alcoholic like his father, grandfather, and great grandfather.  I love my husband more than anything and outside of this issue, we have a wonderful relationship- but this is a BIG issue which continues to give us problems and cause arguments.  It is the only thing we fight about.  I am tired of my husband sitting on the couch all day when he has free time (which is often because he started his own law office- convenient b/c he doesn't have to go in if he is hung over)...I feel like I get stuck withh all of the housework and "adult duties" of the house while he zones out in front of the TV- due to depression secondary to alcohol and being hung over.  I am at my wits end, and I don't know what to do.  I have only been trying the "keep me out of it" strategy for about 2 weeks, so I can't tell if it will work.  All I know is he seems to be drinking almost everyday- not always to the point of intoxication, but usually.  He thinks he is improved because he no longer gets drunk alone- except he does.  I don't want our son to be used as the tool to get him sober.  I don't want to get divorced....but I also don't want to waste my life dealing with his problem.  He says I need him, but truthfully, it is the other way around.  I am the main breadwinner, and I am a doc in the military- there are plenty of single moms in the military.  He on the other hand has no income as he has just started this practice.  I really don't want divorce- I love him and love spending time with him when he is sober.  I just hate this illness and hate the fact that I can't cure him.  I also resent my father-in-law for moving here and emotionally manipulating my husband.  I want to transfer so badly just to get away from him, but will likely be in the area for a few more years.  It feels good to type this all out- I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this.  HELP!!  Any feedback is appreciated.