The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have really been trying to work on the martyr issue which is ingrained for me in dealing with the A and others. I feel I was really trained and schooled to be a martyr by my family of origin. I would alternate with the A between being a martyr (I could no give him enough) to railing and raging against him. Now I have tried to set limits and in setting limits I do not offer to "help" or be involved in his messes. I also set limits in different ways with others. I no longer volunteer for everything. I am not longer the rescuer and enabler. I also try to inject a little humor in there for myself in particular with dealing with the A like I reminded myself this morning he does not need to "share" everything is "his" by rights.
I have really bought into, nearly killed myself with people pleasing outside of the relationship with the A. I was always the one who had to save, help, rescue, enable everyone. These days I don't. That doesn't mean I don't care, I do very much, I just care for me too.
The bell ringing this week was in realising I was schooled and trained to do this by my mother. She martyred herself to death with my elder sister who she gave everything to (literally to her death). I am tired of doing without so another can "have" and that is the A's presumption. He presumes I want to help him and be involved with him when I have given him. I don't try to change his presumptions which I used to endlessly by begging and screaming and cajoling I just take care of me. Right now I am working in my plan b on ending all partnershps with him and that should be possible for me in a matter of time (that is as yet unspecified) but I think the most important thing for me to work on is my attitude of martyrdom and the deadly toxic resentment that goes along with that.
Thanks for the share. The resentment that goes along with the martyrdom is pretty wicked for me. Although, today I do not practice martrydom, the resentment from my past acts of martyrdom occasionally rears its ugly head. Make sense?
From your post, sounds like you have made great strides. Keep up the good work.
It is good for us to look at our past, see where it is we came from. The thing is that there really isn't always an answer for why we carry certian behaviors, and if there is, it may offer us some understanding as why we are the way we are -- but it may not. Deciding how we are going to act/respond from this moment on is what is important, not pin-pointing why we've behaved certian ways in the past.
I am sensitive to this myself, I've heard the reply "I got it honestly" -- meaning I behave this way because of my raising. It is a thin line that one can cross from self discovery to justifcation of behavior or shifting the blame (I am the way I am because of someone else.)
You are on a journey of self discovery...which is pretty exciting in itself. Do your best to stay in the moment, mindful of yourself/behavior in this one day. Be forgiving to yourself and practice progress not perfection.
I guess what it boils down to is not so much Why we are they way we are, but how we want to proceed in becoming the healthy people we want to be.
Lunamoth: Well it has certainly taken me a long time to get to take responsibility for my own behavior. I was like the A in many respects it was always someone else. I am fortunately or unfortunately someone who needs to focus on where this stuff came from. My lack of boundaries did not come out of nowhere. In order to learn I have to have motivation and one motivation is not to be like my siblings, parents and more. For me it is useful not to attribute blame although I take no blame for my childhood, it is useful to "know". I am more than willing these days. I do things and try things I would never have imagined doing before and I know other people have told me they are inspired by my wilingness. Nevertheless it is a process rather than an event for me. I know for some people they decide it is not worth it with the A, leave them and make a life for themselves. For me this A is part of a series of A's and other dysfunctional people so I know for me it is a pattern that I must examine, revise and let go of.
