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It's been a while since i last posted on here , though i regularly read the posts and thought i was learning how to cope with the situation i am in ... how wrong i was
Living in Cyprus , i have no means of attending a meeting , the only one i found was 50 ks away from me , held on a monday morning , and now i've found out that it is no longer runs , so feeling totally isolated . my A BF who has been living with me for 3 yrs , has been drinking on and off all this time , this year has been better than the prevoius 2 but i realise that he has a pattern of drinking when he works , and abstaining when he doesn't .
He has no choice but to get sober when he's out of work because i refuse to enable him which i did for the first 2 years but learnt through this site that it had to stop . In april of this year when things were really bad i applied for an injunction to have him removed from my house , saw a lawyer but cancelled it after spending days crying , feeling guilty about turning him out on the streets and didn't believe i could live with the guilt knowing harm would come to him.
Since that time he did well (for him anyway) , worked through may and june without drinking ,but i realise it was only because i controlled the money , he didn't carry any , and his wages were paid to me . The last 3 months however have been a living nightmare , working on and off for beer money only , no help towards the rent , running of the house , bills etc and i'm feeling totally used .
Today was a day to end all days for me though , since Monday he has been badgering me for money , stole from my purse , refused to go to work today ( we worked for the same company ) then appeared at the office demanding his wages , screaming , shouting , and almost had a fight with a work colleague who asked him to leave the office , or he would call the police .I sat at my desk shaking and feeling totally humiliated , wondering what on earth my co workers thought of me to be living with such an abusive , violent man. My boss then walked out of the office and i was left on my own with him . After some time , and more abuse , i calculated his wages and paid him out of my maintenance money i receive for my 2 children from my ex husband . I demanded my house keys on condition that he would leave , which he produced willingly (anything for a drink ) but when i got home this evening i found him in the house , having got in forcing open a shutter at the back of the house .
He was completely drunk , empty beer cans everywhere , and 18 full cans placed in the guest bathroom , placed in perfect rows ( even drunk he's obsessively neat) which he boasted about buying for a knock down price , alcohol being very inexpensive to buy here .
Having been accused of controlling his life and him demanding his life back , wanting money in his pocket , not being told what he can and cant do , telling me he would leave with his wages , i asked him why he was still here , sat on the veranda drinking .... His answer ? "BECAUSE I CAN "
I've now locked him out of the house , sleeping it off , for now anyway , but when he wakes up , i know what's coming ...... banging on the doors and windows to get inside , vebal abuse to me and my girls , and another sleepless night . If i let him inside he will drink all night , and he knows i wont tolerate that , but he just laughs when i ask explain that i have set a boundary ... I'm failing in every thing i try to do , and feel once again out of control ...
He calls me a nutter , and sometimes i feel i am going mad ... who wouldn't ? Sorry this post is so long , but desperately need guidance ,
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. This disease is insanity and everyone suffers because of it. You are right that your A probably would do anything for a drink. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Stick to your boundaries if you don't want him in the house do not let him back in. I'm learning that the A must suffer enough and be enough pain to get their bottom before they can committ to recovery. Try to put the focus back on you and what you want.
Progress not Perfection,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Sorry you are going through this. Please keep you and your girls safe. If recovery means anything, is means taking back our lives. We have our online meetings here, if the times work for you. If not, please just come into the chat room. Sometimes I can more insight when we are just chatting. We are always here to listen and support you.
This disease is insideous and it does progress. Remember the 3 C's. None of this is your fault.
Love and blessings to you and your girls.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well I know full well the issue of being eternally bound up with an A. Over involvement is and was my last name. I think you will find a great deal of help here. Start with where you can. Start with giving yoursefl some space and not beating yourself up. I think the chat room here can help you. I know personally that boundaries are a hard thing as is detaching. When I first came into this room was a night like many other nights, the a was off drinking and I was worried something woudl happen to him. Like many nights I used to wait up holding my breath. That night I did the first step and turned it over and slept for the first time in many. Of course the A has had many many many catastrophe's since then and I have always been able to come here and talk about it and pour my heart out. I feel so held and not judged in this room, I feel "understood". I also feel that I can practice and report on new skills, boundaries (as I can do them), detachment, making my own plan b.
I could also pour forth my rage at the A in a way that was safe for me. My A would smash up the house and has hit me. Showing him my anger is not an option. I am actually at a place where why would I even try to get my point of view across since he is clearly not interested there is only "him" in the equation. I am sorry that your A is seemingly with you night and day at work and at home and that you are always dealing with his tantrums. I have to deal with a tantruming man myself and can acknowledge it is truly exhausting. I can also say that being here has absolutely saved me from drowning in depression. I am so so glad that you have found this resource for yourself. Please use it and often, report back what is going on for you, what you are trying how you are feeling. This is your place to come to when you feel you need to.
Cytagirl, When we set boundaries we must stick to them or they mean nothing. His answer of "because I can" proves that. If you truly do not want to put up with the verbal abuse, do not feel guilty about calling the police. Do not feel guilt about turning him out on the street. You and your children need protection from his behavior. How scary the pounding and yelling must be for them. He is a grown man. He alone needs to deal with the consequences. Show strength for your girls so they know there are limits and won't find the same kind of abuse for themselves.
As karilynn says "love strong" Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You said you felt guilty if harm would come to him if you put him out. That is him trying to munipulate you. Try keeping the focus on you and the kids. Think of the harm that is coming to you and your girls for enabling him. Sleepless nights, scared kids, hostile work place.
Christy is right about showing strength for your girls. She has shared with me before about how we as mothers are teachers for our children and should set good examples for our adults-in-training.
Oh, I liked the title to your post. One of my favorite sayings. "there must be a light at the end of the tunnel. how else would the train get thru."
Some boundaries are easier to stick to than others. When he comes around prying the windows open to gain entrance into a home he has been told to leave, it becomes difficult for us, alone, to hold to our boundaries. THis man is ugly and abusive, and you and your girls deserve better. Call the police and have him escorted away; file for a restraining order to keep him away. I am unfamiliar with how the laws work on Cyprus, but I sure there must be protection for you and your children. This is an extreme situation. DOn't hesitate to do what you must. Telling you, "I am sorry," just isn't enough. Please, please, keep safe.
With concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
First, I have one question....how do you get this injuction for a judge to remove your A out of the house. I've wanted my A to leave numerous times in the past but since we are married and he hadn't physically abused me, I thought I wouldn't have any grounds.
Second, I was in a similiar situation at work. I am the HR Administrator and against my better judgement hired my husband to work at my company. Well, one day he got a bug up his butt and caused a fuss at work (supervisor said he smelled of alcohol) so he was fired. Very embarrassed but I worked past it. He LOVED this job and I thought that this was going to be his rock bottom. He hasn't been drinking nearly as much but I can see that he still does not want to quit entirely so he hasn't hit his rock bottom so it's only a matter of time when he will be drinking a bunch again. I'm going to Al-anon meetings which DOES help mainly because I can say anything to these people and they will not judge me because they have been there. You can use these boards the same way. None of us will judge you. I've put up with things that I would hate myself for. Still do. I've let my kids see and hear things they shouldn't of had to see or hear. I beat myself up about this the most. But being able to TELL people really helps.
I know that one day, with or without al-anon, I may want to get my husband out of my house. I didn't know about this injuction thing. Could you explain? Thanks!
