The material presented
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level.
A is out of the house again and I feel relieved but at the same time feel sad...can anyone relate to that? The sadness feels like tears that start in my stomach travels up to my throat and comes out my eyes.
He left Monday and I have only heard from him once and he called to say he has a new lease on life. It is amazing how a person can claim to love you so much and then cast you aside like some used piece of trash! I guess the realization of that is what is making me so sad, I'm sad because I thought things would work out and yet again I am disappointed. He doesn't care about hurting me and I am tried of being hurt.
I am done with the relationship. How do I move on and stop hurting? How do I live without the pain because I think the pain I feel from his hurting me is an addiction in itself. Any help given is appreciated. I am so happy I found this site.
hello lady im so glad you found the message board. i know what you're going through is very hard, i have been in that same spot a thousand times before. i too asked how someone who apparantly loved me so much could treat me so bad. the answer is simple....they are alcoholics/addicts and they are doing just what alcoholics/addicts do. it's not that they don't love us but just being the way that they know how. they are sick with disease, when you really begin to see it is a disease and that they do not wish to be sick it will help you to detach. keep in mind we are responsible for our own feelings and no one else is. we choose how we are reacting to someone or something and how we feel. you can sit on the pity pot and think of all the what if's and whys, but what would that do for you? what can you do for yourself right now? you say you are hurting, coming here to post is a wonderful thing you did, writing your feelings is a release. you have every right to feel everything you're feeling, you are human. we have all had those same feelings. but it is up to you how long you want to focus on those feelings or if you want to get up and dust yourself off and start to make this day better for you. take a bath, go for a walk, sing, dance, write, cook, talk to a friend. do anything that could lift your spirits for the time being. take it one minute at a time. that is how i got through some of the hardest times. just keeping the focus on what i could do for the next ten minutes. please take care of yourself and hope to talk to you again sometime soon :)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Reading your post is like reading one of my own journal entries. For me the pain comes in waves. My A is still in the home, but not working a recovery program. He has disappointed me time and time again, and finally I feel like I've had my limit. All I have left is to watch his actions, and that is scary too. I don't think he comprehends in his mind how hurtful his actions are for me. He is so focused on his own problems and pain that he just does whatever he feels he needs to do for that day to satiate the hole inside of him. I have forgiven over and over again; which has only lead to my self-esteem detiorating (sp)? I have been through a separation before with him and there is a part of me that dreads doing this again. I've been getting through my life one day at a time and that is all I can manage.
The pain does become addicting, when he was gone I found myself longing for him. I'm getting healthier and stronger and learning that love is not pain. The pain caused is because he's unable to be real and honest with himself and me. I'm learning its o.k. to feel that grief and pain, then it goes away for a while. Do something good for you today to nurture what you feel. You have this message board which is a great place to get it out.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You give yourself the time you need to grieve. Grieve for the love and relationship that once was. Like the death of a loved one, the death of a relationship needs to time to come to terms with it. The absence, the memories, the good and bad times. You need to grieve for them. It's okay to do that. It's natural. You need to say goodbye when you are ready. There is no time frame for it. Like there is no time frame for grieving of a lost one. We all do it differently.
In time you will learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. It doesn't sound like there is any difference but believe me there is. The latter is about feeling sad and isolated. The former is about being comfortable and serene.
So many of us who have lived with or are living with active As can are often lonlier with the A when they are still living with us because their addiction isolates us. My AH would pass out. So while I had physically my husband here, emotionally he wasn't. What's the difference if he was living elsewhere? It still hurt.
Take the time you need. Be extra good to yourself. Now is the time for healing. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The tears will come. Don't be upset that they haven't. When my parents passed, both times, the tears didn't come until months afterwards. The frist time the tears didn't come I thought something was wrong with me. There wasn't. I just realized that we all are different. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just remember when they do come, allow your pillow to be soaked. Then you will get up and see the sun come out.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
LL, you will move on and stop hurting when the time is right. And the word, "time" is the omniscient one here. It will take time, but that time will come when you will laugh again, and find a new life that makes you happy again. It is as if a death has occurred, and you must complete the grieving process. How much time? No one knows. But hang in there, allow yourself to grieve, and you will find yourself moving on as a natural part of life's progression.
Best wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think a lot of A's are love avoidant. My a does something like this when he doesn't want to face responsibility. He takes off and is gone for few days. He goes into some fantasy that he can start a live someplace else and leave me to deal with all his stuff. Of course he comes back with the mandate that he needs a,b,c. Needless to say he always acts like he doesn't have a care in the world when he is off. They are so good at making it all "us".
I know I felt devastated, abandoned and alone when he did this. Then I started to build a plan b of what I needed to do to take care of me. Of course I do not know your circumstances and can not suggest what that is. At the same time I can tell you this cavalier behavior seems to be very common for certain active alcholics it does not reflect on you or your loveableness at all. I hope you will give yourself the space within this group to work out what you need to do to take care of you first of all today then this week then this year.
I know I also get to watch and listen to and be with many many people here I respect who deal with active a's recovering a's and different sorts of a's. I admire them, I listen to them, I take their suggestions. I also feel listened to by them and know that they are rooting for me. You will find that here. I am glad you have found this resource, you deserve it after dealing with the A.
Sad again...me too Dread going home because although my AH will be there we are going through our silent phase..I recognize that it is like a death...but the body still breathes and walks around you. I try to take comfort that others feel this way too but sometimes it upsets me more...so many people so sad....will go to a meeting tonight..seek some comfort..some human connection...try to change the channel in my mind...hugs to all
