The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was growing up my mother cleaned up after and enabled my Afather so much that even as a child I couldn't understand it. She was and still is completely codependant in his shadow for a lifetime. I remember at a young age vowing to myself that I would never end up like that. Yet here I am....if I want a tidy house I have to clean up after him. If I don't, it gets dirty and untidy...he doesn't seem to notice. If I mention it to him and try and find a compromise...I'm nagging.....
I know this is not a huge issue....but I've lived with it for long enough now....and I'm starting to get very resentful (and I know the destruction of this). He says I'm nitpicking...maybe he's right. Am I?
My mom was taking my inventory the other day, and would'nt you know it was on how I keep my apartment. I finally got fed up and said "Mom, if how I keep my apartment is so important to you, the next time you're here, I'll have bleach and a bucket ready for you."
How we view our homes is a personal issue. Our homes are an expression of who we are. As such, when we become adults, we still carry some weariness from children of gaining parental approval. So we try to live our lives to their standards--eating like they want, dressing like they want, keeping our houses like they want. I notice, consistently, that we al anons go to extreme lengths any time our parents are coming for a visit: we clean our houses "extra nice," as if our parents were military drill sargents, inspecting our lives; we cook food "extra," to their liking, as if we were chefs on TV, with professional stage lighting and cameras watching our every move; we put "extra thought" into our style, our hair, our make up, to look "extra nice."
The result is we adopt stress we never needed to begin with. We're going to the hardware store for bread again.
I am finally beginning to learn that people who are critical of me are generally critical of themselves, and are seeking others to cut down because they feel so little about themselves. I am also coming to terms with that, at a certain point, my mother was never able to be an affirming adult because in many ways she's still a child looking for affirmation. So I turn to people like my sponsor, my fellows in recovery, and my Higher Power for affirmation. I also am learning to cut myself some slack--forgive myself, and realize I am human. I make mistakes. Perfection is not prequiste to progress nor is it something I will ever achieve.
Well, for me , I like a tidy house...I am not a neat freak but I truly can not think clearly when there is clutter.
Now my children are responsible for keeping their rooms clean. If not, there are consequences. My boys...I will not pick up there clothes from the bathroom floor, they have too!
But, with adults what can you do? Put them on restriction. I think not.
I suggest you find a place to put all his belongings/stuff if he keeps them lying around the house, clothes on the floor, tools, etc...put them in this place....do not put them away, do not wash them,etc. All things not in their place created by him...put it in his big ole pile.
Remember his character defects are no reflection on you!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean and tidy house. And it doesn't sound to me that you are nagging. You simply want your wishes for a tidy house to be respected.
I got so tired of picking up after everyone in the house, I found a solution that worked for me and everyone got the hint. Anything that belongs to the kids is piled up in front of their bedroom door. They have to pick it up before they can enter their room. Anything belonging to bf I leave on his pillow in bed. He has to move it before he can go to bed. It took a lot of persistance but now my bf puts his own "organized mess" away. Still working on my son. He does't mind throwing everything into a corner of his room. <teenagers>
This can become a huge issue only if you allow it. Best wishes in finding a solution that works for you.
Wanting a tidy house is not too much to ask. I agree that things should be clean and in order. But, do not expect his help....think of it this way...Do not try to teach a pig to sing. It will not work, and you'll annoy the pig.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Annmarie, I know what you are going thru. Mine will drag his feet about doing his share of the housework, until he realizes he has no clean underwear. I told him, you know what???? I am NOT the Underwear Fairy.
LOL, Diva, that's what I love about you. You somehow manage to hit the nail on the head! I'm gonna remember that one! Annoy the pig! What a hoot!
Pigs singing....underwear fairy...piles of stuff on his pillow....classics! I'll give it all a go!
I know there are a lot bigger problems, but I could feel the resentment of this everyday task building up so much. It was causing me to remember bigger past problems and the resentment was creeping up again.
I' m still on my baby steps! Thanks for the new perspective and for giving me a laugh
As I've said in other posts coming to terms with they are not partners is such hard work. I railed, wept and railed and raged about his total insensitivity to me. He leaves me al the housework to do. Lately he did mow the lawn but it was under a penalty issue from the code inspector.
These days I clean for me. We do not share a bedroom I sleep in the living room so I leave his bedroom which is a total mess. Needless to say he has plenty to say about the house not being tidy when he doesn't lift a cup. I have worked my fingers to the bone and nearly killed myself doing the house and never got a word of thanks from him. So these days I do it for me, for oly me, for my sanity. I also do it with the mind set that I am on plan b and I am decluttering my stuff and preparing for a future minus the a.
