The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I served my A/Cocaine-addicted hubby with divorce papers last week. This week he's been begging for another chance. I just had a conversation with him tonight and said I just can't go through anymore pain and disrespect, and I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. He says I'm being completely unfair and that NOW he's going to try and get some help. I feel like it's too little too late. I did give him plenty of chances. He either wouldn't listen to what I had to say, or he'd make empty promises to me.
Now he's doing everything he can to make me feel crappy. I'm a people pleaser. I hate when anyone is not happy with me. I'm having a very hard time being firm.
Someone told me to look at my life like a scale. On one side is the A/CH (cokehead!) telling me he's going to a rehab place tomorrow for an evaluation. On the other side is cocaine use, alcohol use, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, disrespect, money squandering, lying, distrust. All those things on that side of the scale have dust on them. They've been there a long time. The A/CH-going-for-an-evaluation side is bright and shiny and new.
I know that people CAN change. I'm not sure he's really doing this because HE wants to, or if he's just feeding me more empty promises. Either way, I'm just not sure I'll ever have trust or feel respected or loved the way I should be loved.
I was feeling so strong and confident that divorcing him was going to be GREAT for me and my future. Now I'm feeling really sad about it, but I'm also feeling too tired of the whole situation to stay and give him yet another chance.
...the sad and confused artygirl
-- Edited by artygirl at 22:27, 2006-09-13
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Trust yourself I am sure you are doing what you think is right for YOU.. I am sure he wants to stop but it is more than that it is action !! Words are just that they are just words....The old saying goes ACTION speaks louder than words...
Remember too that you don't have to take all the steps, all at once. You can live apart, have the papers, but don't finalize them, until you are ready. Live on your own for a bit, keep working your program, and see how things stand a few months from now. His actions by that time, and your own recovery, may give you an idea of whether there is hope for the marriage, or will show you that there is none.
Glad you came here. There are many people who have been in the same boat. I agree with waiting and seeing how things are in a few months. No need to do it all now.
It is my experience that we do not change until we are faced with discomfort. Of course your A wants back in--he's losing everything. But there's an old AA saying: "If you can't help'em up, help'em down." Perhaps he will, as a result of the divorce, get sober. Or seek treatment. Any way you look at it, now the ball's in his court.
I have never heard a lead in AA that says "Well, when she took me back, I got sober." I have heard 100s of leads that say "When she left me and took the kids, I realized I was the problem and HAD to get sober"
When I served my alcoholic husband of 14 years and left him May 2005, I gave him a paper about how our lives would have to change before I considered reconciliation.
I was just looking for it but can't find it and reading the raw emotions of my feelings back then is too much today. I will look another day and send the list to you.
The first line on the paper said that my husband would be sober and in a program (any kind of program) for 6 months before I would consider reconciliation.
The rest of the paper dealt with the changes I would need in his behaviour.
Today 16 months later he is still drinking. I am divorced and happier than I have been in 15 years. My friends and family are so proud of how I have taken control of my life back, from a very sick man.
just my experience. keep posting and working your program.
I can't tell you how many "promises" and bargains and how many fancy pocketbooks and high number checks (that I cashed) he tried to put on me but I stayed my course and watched for the 6 months of progress...........................which has not yet come.
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I see a lot of people saying hold off and wait on the papers but it sounds to me like you had made your decision and you have been down this road a few times so I'm going to be the devil's advocate and say if he does change (which in my own experience doesn't ever seem to happen) then you can always get remarried once he proves himself if that time ever comes. I know leaving and filing divorce are HARD decisions to make and once you do and then take it back it isn't any easier the next time.
Personally I think its the A's mantra to say it isn't fair. My A was saying that last night but not in regard to me. If it isnt their way its isn't fair.
I think its only normal to expect that you want relief rather than being made responsible for his wellbeing. What it would be to wake up one day and have them take responsibilty. They don't unfortunately. Nevetheless it is your leaving, how you want to do it is up to you. Divorce is a process, serving the first paper is one of them whether your proceed or not is up to you. You can put it on hold and pick it back up or you can go ahead. Its your choice and one you should be comfortable with. I think we all dream of suddnely waking up to a rational, coherent responsible A, some of us do eventually some of us don't.
