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I am in such a shellshock mode the last few weeks. I am strong one day and horribly anxious the next. AH is totally lying about this "friendship" he has been having since earlier this year, and of course I am checking the phone bill everyday. She calls him everyday but they don't talk long. Apparently now I found out that she called him while he was with his brother at a family reunion and she told the brother (drunkenly and trash talking) that she was in love with my AH. He said she was really talking crap and sounded totally drunk. Also AH's brother said that my AH was bragging that he had another woman on the side.
So, now I know that this is an affair for sure, and that he has been lying to me. I confronted him the other night and said calmly that I thought he was being dishonest with me about this "friendship". Of course he got mad, acted like I was crazy and told me he could talk to whomever he wanted.
Oh, this is weird. Of all the years we have been together I didn't think he would ever lie to me. I know it is the disease... but this hurts like hell, really. My stomach just aches and I can't eat much. He and I would always talk about how if one of us wanted someone else we would just maturely tell each other. Now he is being really really sweet to me, and I go back and forth between rage and trying to accept that I have to power. But I feel like leaving, then I feel like staying! GOODNESS!
I don't know if this is the final straw, but I guess I am thinking it is still crisis mode for me and I can't think straight to make a decision, but I'm leaning toward leaving. This whole year has just been too much. I don't know if I can believe anything he says anymore, and that is a big deal to me. Also, I don't feel like carrying this heavy load of DRAMA of the drinking life anymore.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. The emotions are so intense and they are not all in your head. The pain of having someone you love act like that, is as bad a pain as I have ever felt.
Your strenght is in your knowledge that you didn't make him do this. I too was so torn, and the string of constant lies attempting to cover up were so transparent when I began to look.
One thing that helped me a bit was when I told myself, it is just as bad as I could possibly imagine... so I quit looking for more evidence. That allowed me to settle down.
I know that is not much, and not very encouraging... but it helped me to not be in knots all the time.
You are in my prayers and I hope you can begin to look up from here.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm sorry you're going through this. Infedelity is not uncommon in addicts. I can't tell you what to do. But you will know what to do when the time is right. It sounds silly but you'll feel it.
Take a deep breath. Be extra good to yourself and know that whatever you decide we have your back.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i agree with rtexas. this is awful. it just is. but you are getting thru it. you are very wise to realize that you are still in crisis mode and you don't have to make any decisions right this minute. for me when i found out about my ah's affair i was devestated. the circumstances surrounding it and everything that goes with being betrayed. it was the absolute worst pain i ever felt in my life. but it did get better. i remember thinking that there was something really wrong with me because one day i would feel so up. like i had the rest of my life to live free from my ah. and then the next day i couldn't get out of bed i was so sad and felt like i had lost a limb. this too shall pass and you will be stronger for it. but in the meantime try to take comfort in whatever you can and know you are not alone....
Is there any chance you can get away for a few days? Sometimes just removing yourself helps gain perspective and look at the situation objectively. It's so difficult when living in the muck to figure out what to do. You may be able to ask yourself the hard questions and get answers. I have a cousin that is about 3 hrs away, has 20 acres and peace just surrounds her home. There, I can stop the BS whirling in my head and really look at situations.
Do you have a sponsor? They are usually good at making you ask yourself the hard questions too. Who are you and what do you want from your life? Are you getting what you need for yourself to be who you want to be? Why not? Are you playing the victim roll? Why? Would you allow anyone else to treat you this way? Is it really love that keeps you there or fear of being alone? (sometimes hard to differentiate). Hard stuff, but things that need answers.
take good care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
OH HERSH - I know just what you are going through. I am at the same place myself. One day I am looking for a place to live and planning on how I will get the money to leave and the next I am thinking he has turned the corner and everything is going to be OK. I truly mean one day to the next. Yesterday was the best day we have had in a long time. He actually treated me with respect and like a partner. This morning however, the ugly husband came back. Maybe not as ugly as he has been in the past but ugly none the less. We just don't talk about his "friend" anymore. Both of them have quit using his cell phone to talk but he is at home during the day while I work and I am sure they are talking on that number which does not have caller ID. I feel like this is such a huge lie and his refusal to see the hurt it caused that I will not trust him again for a very long time if ever. He gets very mad when I won't have sex but I just can't. This will probably distroy our marriage if I can't get over the pain. I thought that I was much stronger than this. I have had to look at myself and ask if I am looking for him to be something that he will never be, can't be, doesn't want to be. Drunk or sober he may not be the man that I thought he was. I sure don't like the answers I am coming up with they all seem to lead back to me living the best life I can without him. YUCK -- POO -- TARNATION I don't like this.
I am thinking that the only way I will be strong enough to make the break is to make the break. It is very hard to think clearly when they are one person one minute and another the next. My H spent 20 days away from home in a rehab center thinking only about himself and the life he wants. I want 20 days all by myself. Maybe if you could get away for just a couple of days it would help clear up the muddled thoughts for awhile and let you rest. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that you get clear guidence that sets you on the path that is best for you.
So much. I was in tears reading your support. It feels good to just hear that it will pass - this is just misery.
Yes, Gramma Pat, that is what is so hard, is you have really really great days and you think, well this can work. It seems though this year there have been way more bad days than good, and I just don't want to live there.
Thank you all so much, just hearing love today makes me feel so much better. It is just one day, and I better not waste it being miserable, huh? Whew!!!!
Although I am new to the forum, I am not new to your situation and am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time.
I keep trying to remind myself that if I remove the A from AH and were dealing with just the other issue, what would I do? The A just multiplies the problem and the lies that accompany it.
Many of us get caught up the behavior triggered by the A and forget about what we would do if it wasn't in the equation. Too many times have we delude ourselves that it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the A and excuse the behavior.
We only perpetuate our own anxiety when we look for evidence to support what we already know in our hearts to be true. Try to stop torturing yourself and trust your feelings.
When the shock wears off and you find yourself ready to deal, you will look inward and make the decision that is best for you and only you. Until then, you have my support.
Wow it's amazing how all the stories are almost the same. I won't go on about mine I don't know if he was unfaithful or not but I know he would disappear for days at a time. I have had others who were unfaithful and I kicked them out. I know it hurts so much (I just left my AH) but I also know there's always something better around the corner. I feel like I have been living so long on HOPE that the hope itself is almost like a drug. It's amazing when you look back at how you allowed yourself to be treated how shocking it all is. All in the hope that someone else would change. A hairdresser once told me that I should ask myself would I allow someone to treat my daughter that way? Then why would I allow them to treat her mother like that? That was powerful to me for some reason maybe because I have 2 daughters. Anyway, things always get better, we work through the pain and hopefully learn from it. It's hard to stop thinking irrationally (that something is going to be different this time when it's been the same old thing every other times). It's hard to live with, have sex with, even talk to someone you just don't respect anymore.
Sometimes life is just so unfair. This is clearly a very hard, tough time for you. I was where you are too. I know the hurt and the humiliation and upset can seem too much to bear at times. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through.
I agree with Christy, to be able to get away for a day or two would give you a chance to find some perspective.
You are a kind caring person, and you deserve peace in your life. It seems you have to chose it though.
I too never thought that my AHsober would do the things that he has done. He spent a lifetime telling me the exact opposite of what he is doing today. Nowadays he contradicts everything single thing he says. We always said that we would be faithful and if we weren't in love, we would tell each other. NOT. It hurts, other people muddle the issues. You just have to give the disease all the credit. For myself, I was in denial about who I lived with.
