The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could use some ESH on self-worth and self-esteem... 2 areas I am definatel lacking. I understand how important they are to my growth. I am reminded regularly from program members how I am a worthwhile person and am loved. I guess it's a good thing I hear that from ohters cause I don't beleive them enough to say them to myself... I do try to though.
I just feel so insignificant in my life. I feel like I am just a small speck in this world. I have my kids and I know I impact them, at least I hope I impact them some!!! But why am I worthwhile or loved? Why would anyone bother spending any of their valuable time on me? I am SO overwhelmed with my time and getting things accomplished in my life. I have a million things to do and NO time to do accomplish these tasks. I'm told to break things all down and do bite sized bites and not deal with the whole thing at once. Yes, that is good sage advice and the ONLY way I can do things right now. But I want to do more that just the everyday things. I want to make a difference. I want to be wortwhile. I want nothing more than to like myself and know who I am. I want to know the real me and want to be able to say I love myself and know I mean it. I want be able to trust in others along with myself. I want to spread my wings and fly but the weight is too heavy right now and I don't know how to take off. I'm feeling like I am a ugly goose who is unable to take off from the murky water, being pulled down deeper in the water by the weighted fishing line that is tangled around my leg.
I'm starting to feel feelings and I know that is good. And, yes, I do beleive that I deserve happiness and respect. But where do I go from here????? Please help!
I know I have told you about this one before. Get a mirror. Write WONDERFUL things on it. READ IT DAILY. Every day. More than once a day. What ever you can do. You have to believe in yourself. You are worthwhile. Putting yourself down does nothing but hurt yourself. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will change. But not until you hit your bottom. Not only A's hit a bottom. Us in Alanon do too. When we are ready to make change, we change. Keep it simple. And read your mirror. I know I gave you lots of ideas already! LOL
I think I know how you feel. I suffer from the same feelings. I want to isolate from people and feel so overwhelmed with things to do. As I was reading your post I thought about the slogan "keep it simple". I also noticed in your other post that you said you have a little under 10 acres of property to deal with. Have you ever thought about simplifying you home? Maybe moving into something that was less of a burden to keep up. You have to decide what is more important to you..."where you are living your life" or "the life you are living". If you had less to deal with it would free you up to do those things outside of the home that would help you to feel like you are making a difference. Just a thought!!!
I have been tossing around in my mind about maybe doing some volunteer work in a hospital. I would love to work with holding and rocking infants that do not have someone to bond with when they are born. I have been thinking about it for a long time but have not pursued anything yet. Procrastination is a "BIGGIE" for me.
What I have learned for myself is that when I feel overwhelmed and trapped that this is codependency: difficulty with self esteem, difficulty with self care, difficulty with boundaries, difficulty knowing one' reality, and difficulty expressing one's reality moderately. Boundaries help with self esteem and having self esteem help with boundaries. Remember that you are not alone in Alanon and that you have your HP to give you solace and guidance.
I am so there with you. I am getting better, and I tell you what, it is through prayer and exercise. I try to exercise daily and it gives you such a boost emotionally, really. You begin to feel more and more confident and you are doing something really for you.
I don't know, I know what an awful place it is to feel so low. I fight with it every day. I heard somewhere that everytime you begin to think something negative about yourself in your head, turn it into a positive. Practice this and then it will be true! Fake it, until you feel it! Walk through the fear, and know that we are all trying to make it with you too! I am glad you are talking about these things, it is such a difficult emotion, this low self-esteem.
Love to you and lots of ego-boosting (((HUGS))))!!!!
Linda, you are only insignificant if you allow yourself to be. I see self-pity in your post, which serves no purpose at all. I am no analyst, and have no credentials which make me qualified to give advice to you. Now I am going to say, "but," which someone not long ago told me nullifies whatever comes before the "but." I believe he must be a professional. Now...but, I also believe that we control our own self-esteem and self-worth. Take one little step each day. It cannot be accomplished by reading a post, but by sending yourself towards feeling more and more worthy each day. A little step such as, "I have great hair;" "I have a beautiful smile;" "I hold myself erect when I walk." THen go on from there. Look at yourself and see the good, and replace the not-so-good with the positive image. It will come, a little at a time...unless you allow yourself to continue to be mired. Once you recognize your physical attributes, then begin to work on your inner self. "Hey! Here's what's wonderful about me!!!"
I wish you well, and I send you a hug ((((((((((Linda)))))))))
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm not an expert nor a long-timer but I write because I've been where you are. I've found that when I'm low, doing one thing for myself makes a huge difference (every day, more than once a day if needed)--a long bath, a walk in nature, a phone call to someone dear, a special movie or show or musical CD. I also find that thinking too much is dangerous! :)
We have to get out of our heads and "do" not think! I have made lists of a) things that make me happy and b) things about which I'm grateful. The incredible thing is...the lists are often long and they include things about myself, my qualities and abilities, the wonderful things in my life! I also make lists when I am trying to solve a problem or get many things done; I've have found that focusing on just one thing and diving into it helps me get the energy and satisfaction I need to do others.
Don't take the whole world and every worry on at once. Yes, we are small beings in this world--it's meant that way because its a huge universe. Give yourself a break, too. I find if I adjust my expectations for myself out of the stratosphere and into reality, I take a lot of pressure off myself and start to feel better about what I can do and who I am--leaving more room for the bigger questions of life.
