The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello my fellow Alanoners. I am struggling a little tonight. I am in a relationship with someone in there first 30 days (she at one time had three years not that long ago) Any way she is living with me and she has a 9 year old daughter. I have been doing everything thing. As far as keeping the home and taking care of her daughter. I mean I know it is hard in their first 30days but I feel like at times I am being taking advantage of. I feel this way when I am tired and needy I think. I start going over all the things I am doing and she is not. I know self righteous not a good thing but I still feel that way. She also started college at the same time she got sober. She is going to meetings and really is trying. I just feel like I need some one to be there for me at times. I am a male and no other men in Ala non my small town. I have an online sponsor but still feel like I am doing it all. I love her and want it to work but I get so tired sometimes.
Am I the only one that feels this way at times. I feel resentful and guilty at times. I resent that she is unable to be there for me and takes out her anger on me. And I also feel guilty that I know she is really doing the best she can with only this many days sober and she is working the program to the best of her ability. I guess I am trying to find some balance.
Of course you're not alone in feeling this way. It is too hard to hold everything together all by yourself.
If you really do feel that this is a temporary situation, due to early sobriety, then maybe all you need to do is let some less important things go for the moment - eat macaroni and cheese and fish sticks for a while, save the home cooked meals for six months down the road. Or get in a cleaning service once a week or so, or whatever would take the load off you, without putting it on her.
Even though she is focused on her recovery, she can spare you one night a week or whatever for you to go off and be frivolous and have some fun, either with her, or with friends, or by yourself.
If this feels more like a way of life than a short term thing - well, part of her recovery is taking responsiblity for her own actions. You have the right to tell her how you feel, in a non confrontational way, and ask for her help. We are not really helping the A if we take on all of her responsibilities - in fact, we are just signalling her that we feel she is incapable.
First of all I can understand your feelings. They're normal. We all feel left out when an A is recovering. We feel like we have carried the burden when they were active, and now we carry it again when they are recovering.
However, I have learned that recovery for both the A and the people affected by it is a very selfish thing. But it has to be. Especially for the A. Their lives depend on it. I am not being dramatic I am being deadly serious. They have to do what they have to do in order to stay sober. The more they relapse, the harder it is to get sober and stay sober. My husband's last relapse was so bad that I was this close to making funeral arrangements. The doctors have told him if he drinks, he's dead. Bottom line. No second chances.
His first 60 days I barely saw the man. He was bound and determined to make this work. So he threw himself into his meetings, his mental health work and anything he could to make it stick this time. So far so good. He is now in middle recovery/sobriety. He goes to his meetings less, because he is learning to fill the void with other things. Now he goes to AA because he wants to and because he likes to help people who are just starting out on this path.
For me it comes down to this: I would much rather see less of him because his days are filled with his service work, hunting and meetings rather than have him home passed out drunk. Only this time he wouldn' be here, he'd be dead. I can live with a husband who isn't around much because he's living his life in a productive, happy, healthy way. I would have a very hard time living with the memory of my husband because his disease killed him. That would kill me.
The best thing I did for him and me was to give him my support and his freedom to do what he needs to do. It's taken me 3 years to figure this out with numerous relapses. Today it is raining and he's staying home to relax and putter. Today I am doing my meeting and then relaxing. I'm taking care of me. His recovery is about him, and my recovery is about me.
Love and blessings to you and your family. I hope her sobriety sticks this time.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
First of all let me say that I think that it is the greatest thing to have men in Alanon particularly at f2f meetings. It really gives us perspective of what this disease is all about. It also gives us balance.
When I am at my lowest I think that the A's are having all the fun and get all the attention. And in order to recover, they have to spend time with other A's and at meetings. But if we let our thoughts go too far then we get into self pity. For the A, they say they become restless, irritable, and discontent, and then the urge to drink takes over. For us Alanoners, it is the same thing, when we get restless, irritable, and discontent, our disease takes over.
I have had to learn to have better boundaries with my AHsober. There are hard times but we can choose to take care of ourselves too. Hope this helps.
Thank you soo much for the feed back. I will learn this detachment. Slowly at first. In fact I give my life to my HP then I take it back. I am grateful for this site and the Al anon chat they have helped me so much. You are all right I need to take care of myself. I need to pull back a little in a kind and loving way.
If I am ok with me I have no need to make you wrong.
I love that quote I just need to use it LOL
It is really serious that she is in recovery. And it is really great that she is going to school. I feel this way when I am rested and Ok with Gary.
So once again thank for you experiences and your feedback. I will make it another day :) I think quite well too!! Gary
