The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years I believed that things should be a certain way, period! There was a right way and a wrong way! I assumed my way of thinking was the right way. Dealing with active alcoholism distorts our way of thinking rationally, and in my case I began trying to control the drinker, his way of life, whatever he was doing etc etc. Sound familiar? I was too busy obsessing about him and his drinking to honestly look at myself and my role in all of this. I did not treat him with respect. I did not listen to the opinion of him or others, but expected him to behave the way I wanted him to. I beleived that I had all the answers to solve this disease called alcoholism, and I did my darndest to keep trying to prove that I was right, failing each and every time.
I had unrealistic expectations of others on how they should act or how they shouldnt act. I made myself sick trying to change someone who was not willing to change. I didnt have a clear eyed view of my situation til I entered alanon, I was in denial not only about trying to save my A in my life, but about my myself. The question of maturity came,,,,,am I acting maturely to what is going on around me? Am I keeping my expectations realistic in setting goals for myself? Am I behaving properly when getting tossed into uncomfortable situations? Am I willing to admit that I do not have all the answers? Realizing that life is not black or white, or good or bad, but somewhere inbetween, and I must do for myself what is right for me and nobody else, take my own inventory and work from there!
I alway thought I was good at that. That I was resiliant to the ever changing world around me, until... I took that one step further and fell into denial.
Today, I still try to consider that the sun will rise again tomorrow no matter what happens today... but, also try to be honest with myself about what is happening in my life and is my HP attempting to steer me clear of an obstruction ahead.
I can't say I'm there yet, but that is my goal each day.
Thank you for the thought provoking post... I like those!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You mean we aren't always right? hehehe. What was also an awakening to me is that we can learn to make things much better for ourselves and how we deal with our feelings, actions and alcoholics. BUT...HP jerked my A right out of my hands and dealt with him (and me) in his own way. For the first few min. I just had a look of "Huh"? on my face.
Then Alanon kicked in and I dealt with what was happening. I learned that no matter what we "think" we are doing, dealing with etc., ultimately we need to also be prepared that HP may step in and be about as subtle as a steam rolller. That's when I stepped back and handed it all over, it was all just too big for me.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
