The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was working on this question as part of my step work and thought I'd share some of my discoveries. The definition of pity is a feeling of empathy and sorrow for the misfortune's of other. To feel for someone, show compassion to someone, and take mercy on them.
The definition of love is a strong positive feeling of emotion of regard and affection, feeling warm and devoted to someone.
I have come to understand that pity is not love but it can get confused. I took pity on my A when I first met him believing that he was living a misfortunate life by my standards. He probably felt he was doing much better than he'd been doing in a while. He was drinking and using pot heavily then, I didn't realize that he made a good living he just blew alot of his money on pot and liqueor. He played upon my generous nature. He saw that I was compassionate to people who were misfortunate. I thought I was doing a friend a favor, but then it became an unhealthy dance of give and take. My A took and took but never gave back by keeping a stable job, and taking care of his own responsibilities. I believed his excuses one after the other. I was blinded by my feelings of love and devotion. So somewhere in that confusion of pity and love I did fall in love. As I get healthier and healthier I can see that this person was capable of doing everything he needed to do in his life. All I did by "helping" him was reinforce his belief about himself that he was uncapable of taking care of himself. I have an opportunity now to give back over to him the responsibilities I once so graceously took from him so that he has his dignity back to struggle like the rest of us and find true happiness in his life.
The unfortunate aspect of all of this is that I will no longer fill the needs and desires he has. I believe that this is what he fell in love with and he gets his needs met by me. Once that is gone, so goes the feeling of love. I could be wrong, but I don't really believe I am. As I lift up the blinds to see my flaws and mistakes I see that I deserve better from a relationship. It should be a give and take equally. It should be both people taking care of the individual responsibilities and then being able to come together to handle the responsibilities of the kids, house, money, etc. Just wanted to share that with you all today.
Progress Not Perfection,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think I had a great deal of protectiveness, compassion and caring for the A when I met him. I was also "in need". The roller coaster of our relationship started up pretty early, I got pretty sick and had to go to the hospital. From then on its been one long downhill tract, illness, poverty (the recession hit us both very hard).
There were many many cues that the A did not have it "together". Of course there were also cues that I was incredibly vulnerable and he read them and played on them. He always holds back. I did not. I was incredibly generous. He was in the beginning, not any more. He hid a great deal of his issues behind excuses. He never discussed anything. There were tons of cues but I got caught up in the roller coaster we were both on and never set limits, never set goals (beyond survival) and never really looked at him until he started descening more and more into darkness and drug use. I would also make tons of excuses for him, his mother, his job, his friends, his this that and the other. I never held him responsible I was too busy either being over responsible or the "victim" or alternatively the "martyr".
I'm glad to hear your doing step work. I hope you're not doing it by yourself--that your doing it with a councelor or a sponsor. Someone who can help keep you focused.
For me, the most significant difference between love and pity is that pity implies a level of "class:" a judgement, if you will. It falls similarly into how we confuse approval and love. Love allows for boundries, saying no, saying honestly how we feel, what we need. Where there is pity, for me, there is this constant need to "care for," to "fix."
Keep up the good work. Easy does it and keep it simple.
Once again we are very much on the same page. I am very encouraged by you talking about that during your session. It is so hard for me to sort out my feelings. On the one hand it is easy to say I love my wife.
But on the other hand, I no longer really see my wife anymore except in small (I mean very small) increments. I love the part of her that has compassion and caring for others. But that is literally drownded out by the effects she exhibits while drinking.
So after 5 years of daily drinking, do I still feel love for her? Sure I do, but my F2F today was focused on acceptance (the 3 A's really). I do love her, but I have accepted that she is not capable of loving me back in a way that is acceptable to me.
I do my best to show my love for her like the verse about what love is.
Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, It is not proud, It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
You see I don't think of love as an emotion... it's a verb. It is associated with action. (no, not that kind of action... LOL)
Opinions vary... and that's mine. So I've acknowleded that to be my truth, and I haven't decided what my action is. I am going to spend more time working on me first. Hopefully I will have a better toolset by that time.
Keep taking care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I personally love to use the 12 Traditions of Al-Anon in all aspects of my life - They have taught me a lot about relationship skills - skills that I did not develop being raised in an alcoholic home and then in the alcoholic marriage.
Tradition 7 talks about being fully self-supporting and not relying on outside contributions. For me this not only applies to monetary issues, but also emotional issues - My happiness, contentment, joy, peace, serenity, etc. can not come from anywhere outside of me - It must come from inside of me. Just as my spouse or adult child must find his or her own inner peace and love and his or her own means of financial support to gain self esteems and self-respect.
For me this Tradition is not just that the groups of AA & Al-Anon don't take contributions from outside entities - it is about learning to look to that Power Greater than ourselves that lives within us for our peace and serenity to live happy, joyous and free.
Twinmom - Sounds to me that not only are you working a wonderful Step program, but you are also applying the Traditions to your life.
Thanks so much for sharing your recovery with us.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Blessings 