The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Learning to keep the focus on me has been the hardest thing for me to accomplish. Being a mother of five, the sister of 6, the daughter of Daniel and Barbara and the wife of George.... I was totally lost at who I was, who I was suppose to be and what it was that I truly wanted for myself....
My father was the A in my life and I worked so hard my whole childhood and young adulthood till the time of his death to please him and get him to love me... Was I ever lost after he died.... but in my illness I trucked on. Keeping the focus off of me was easy, I was busy raising a family and running to the rescue of my siblings and their children... Then my bottom came.... I was driving home from work one night, my mind racing with the thoughts of the stuff that was waiting for me there. Then this thought of just driving off the bridge into the Gulf of Mexico to achieve peace came to me.... after I got off that bridge I pulled over and cried for what seemed and eternity... It was then I knew that a change had to be made....
For me it was leaving, everything and everyone that I ever knew... Moving where nobody knew my name, come to think of it when I got here I even changed it. Oh sweet peace at last, or so I thought!!! The trail that I was on was even more destructive than the one I ran away from. I was needy and attracted people who could and did manipulate that part of me... I thank my Divine Spirit my HP for putting this one person in my path whom told me about the rooms before it was to late...
How do I keep this focus on me? How do I allow myself to love myself, put my needs first? Well it ain't easy but somehow I am managing to do it. My HP knows that I back step and gently reminds by the things that are put in front of me.
So to keep the focus on me, When I feel overwhelmed.... I recite the Serenity Pray.... the real one not the one I used in my pre-recovery days, especially the part about hiding the bodies of those who have pissed me off...
When I get upset over something that someone has done or the way they act....I have to look at myself and ask why is this irritating me... usually it is my own reflection that I see in them....
I do an inventory right then and there....
When I am feeling extremely low, feeling sorry for myself... I grab a piece of paper, crayon whatever and write down what I am grateful for in my life...
I have goals that I have posted on my frig, I look at them and remind myself how just 3 short years ago I had nothing to look forward but a watery grave..... I look at what I have achieved in this short time and am truly impressed at it...
This seems so strange at times but I look at myself in the mirror and tell me " I love you" sometimes when I am feeling froggy I blow myself a kiss.... All in all I am blessed..... I could not live without this program....
Well, for one thing, it's not an over night matter. Remember, you didn't come here because Publisher's Clearing House came to your door. You came here because over a course of time, your life became unmanageable. Over a course of time, with work and willingness, your life will become manageable, if you want it and are willing to go to any lengths.
I think a good basis for focusing on ourselves in the beginning is HALT=Be aware of our Hunger, our Anger, our Lonliness, our Tiredness. When these arise, deal with them ASAP. Call a friend if your feeling lonley; journal about your anger; eat if your hungry. Consistently attending to needs like this over a period of days, one day at a time, can help build self awareness, and without self awareness, I have found it impossible to keep the focus on myself. As one of our members says "I can be a butt, but if I don't realize I'm being a butt, I won't change."
Second, keep it simple. What needs to be done NOW? What is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU? Do that. Just that. Nothing more. After you do what is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU do the next thing. And keep it like that. And at night, don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will bring its own self. I promise.
Just keep it simple. This is an action program. Thinking will get us into trouble.
