The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really need some help. I am feeling a lot of guilt and anxiety and so unclear which direction to go. I am engaged but wondering should I marry my A? He doesn't drink but just had a relapse. We were stuck in a terrible obessive cycle just before the relapse. We've broken that cycle but I fear re-creating that obessive worry and fear and anger. I get so emotionally warped. I'm afraid as I see how I am losing myself in this relationship. So much anxiety has been created, I am always worried and thinkng about him and it is hard for me not to try to please him, teach him, worry about him...him, him, him..
I'm doing my best attempting to focus on my needs at I know that that is all that I can do. When I do make plans for myself, it is so terribly difficult and I sense his disapproval and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that comes from him. I sense his need to control or disapprove. I'm terrified to break away, find myself doing things to please so he won't get mad or blame me and then I get angry at times and find myself trying to provoke a fight with him or lying to keep. Or I feel guilty when I explore my options and haven't told him what I am doing. Like I am holding out on him as I would want him to share that all with me. I feel guilty and awful.
I came into this relationship with high self esteem, a full life, many friends and feeling good about my life and my activites and I now wonder who I am or how I will get myself back here. He is a wonderful man and father and when fear is replaced with trust and love and anxiety is relaxed, all is well. I don't like the negativity and the behaviors I now engage in and need to get myself back on track. How, what?. Any hope, insight and direction you have would be great.
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you what I have done when faced with a situation that I don't know which way to go...do it, don't do it etc.
If I have to think about the answer more than 3 seconds the answer is NO.
You see if the answer were yes then I wouldn't have had to consider anything else.
I do hope this helps. HUGS
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
First let me WELCOME you to our board :) We are really glad that you are here... Now with that being said i will say that we dont offer advice here.. We just share stories and you grab what you want ..
I have been married to an alcoholic for over 19 years. It is very difficult.. A rollercoaster of sorts.. For me, i have lost myself.. I find myself "taking care" of everyone else but me. I have enabled him for so long and somewhere along the way became co dependent.. I found this site over a year ago and have been posting since. I think that I am a lot stronger today than i was before but yet i am still here not strong enough to leave.. Well, i should stay stay gone.. I have left 3 times only to return each time. One day I hope to rebuild myself and become strong enough to walk away from an UNHEALTHY relationship.. It is unhealthy for everyone.. Me, my husband and my kids.. They have seen their Father do all sorts of things they shouldnt have had to see. Alcohol is a powerful drug and one he will battle his entire life. I use to think that if i didnt nag so much he wouldnt drink, if i dumped the beer he wouldnt drink, if i took better care of him he wouldnt drink.. Well with the help of my friends here i learned that no amount of begging, crying, threats or just bargining will make him stop drinking.. He is the ONLY one who can control it .. !! Sounds simple but it took me months to realize this..
I didnt control it I didnt cause it I cant cure it..
With that being said, If i knew then what i knew now would I marry him.. NO WAY, not because i dont love him but because the cost of this relationship is to high..
This is just my experience, take what you want and leave the rest...
Already you have stated what the key problem is: you have lost you.
In al anon, we, as a policy, speak only from experience, strength, and hope. We do not give advice, do not "perscribe direction" for people. I encourage you strongly to go to Al Anon meetings in your local vicinity, and to listen to what you hear. Perhaps before you make any long term, permanent decision, it would be best to implement the tools of recovery in your living.
We could call your statement above an oxymoron, or we could call it denial. Either way, it's a curious observation. With all the doubt you have, I think I would opt for "No for now." Of course, your decision is yours.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When I am faced with a probelm or a situation, I immediately go to the Serenity Prayer sometimes I say it over & over. Other times I write it over and over.... I had one night where I wrote it 200 times. I needed to find the peace within me...
I ask myself questions honestly... How will this affect what it is that I want to accomplish? What am I willing to sacrifice? What are the pros & cons? The one thing that was hard for me to do what to be honest with myself.... I had to quit lying to me....it has been an amazing journey
Learning to keep the focus on what it is that I need, has been the hardest crossroad for me to come to... I finally decided that if a person has no postive place in my life, I cannot allow them to be in it...
There is a lot of wisdom in the rooms and on this board, my suggestion is to read and take what you need and leave the rest... Keep the focus on you...
I would suggest reading "Codependent No More", by Melody Beatty, and the "To the Wives" chapter of the AA Blue Book. Before you decide to marry an alcoholic it would help to have a greater understanding of the disease. There are many of us here who thought that they could "rescue" their A. I thought I could. Eight years later and my AH is sick as a dog at 8:30 am on a Tuesday because he drank a bottle of cooking sherry yesterday. Good Luck and Take Care of YOURSELF.
