The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling kinda weird... nervous. Anxious. Sometimes, I feel like I do/say things and then I look back at them and think, "Oh gosh, I didn't handle that very well." "I should've worded that better" (to avoid offending someone or hurting his feelings) "Why was I afraid to be clear?" (instead of telling the plain truth, not telling the whole truth it to make the other person think something else -- a kind of Clintonesque kind of lie, which is just as bad as out right lying, esp. when the person finds me out).
I get scared that I'm doing or saying the wrong things,esp around people that I want in my life but yet feel a little uncomfortable around -- like the relationship wanes and flows, but I'm not sure when it will flow and when it will wane. Does this make sense?
I'm also working on letting go of not needing my father as a dad figure in my life and sometimes, it just leaves me feeling empty, like an orphan. And feeling that if something terrible happened to my husband or to one of my kids, I'd have to handle it all on my own, b/c he's not willing to be there for me.
I know the trauma of my early childhood and teen years has left my emotional development stunted. I know I need to grow up. I know I don't need to be perfect to have friends. I know I can't be perfect and that I make mistakes and I can go back and say "I'm sorry." I know I have to grow a thicker skin. I know I can handle things and I know what to do when something terrible happens. But my heart isn't where my head is yet. I still feel those feelings of inadequacy, that I have an internal defect that makes me unlikeable and imperfect, that I'm alone and scared. My head knows these aren't true at all, but my heart... feels it.
I think 'baby steps' would be the way to go here - take small chances, give yourself small opportunities to show yourself how strong and capable you really are, survive small failures....
You could look at this as a time to be a loving parent to your own "inner adolescent".
Oh, I also wanted to say - some slogans that could be really helpful through this are "Act as if..." and "Fake it 'til you make it". Not all of those confident seeming people around you really ARE confident, but you know that nothing succeeds like success!
It's a fine line. Sometimes we cannot "tell the plain truth," because to do so would be hurtful to another person. And the truth is, we really don't want to knowingly hurt others. You have a self-esteem issue which you must handle a little at a time. Lots and lots of people in this world who seem confident and self-assured really are not what they appear. You have heard of actors becoming physically sick before going onto a stage. So because a person puts forth a persona doesn't mean it is the "real" him or her. "Fake it 'til you make it" is good advice. If you present yourself to others as one who is in control, you actually become so. Try it. If you know your early childhood left you emotionally stunted, you are half way there. Some people never know the cause of their emotional problems. But remember this: an unpleasant childhood does not necessarily mean your life is ruined. It's up to you to move on and put in the past that which you cannot change. Do I hear the Serenity Prayer here? As far as a thicker skin goes, you do not really need that. We must keep our gentleness of spirit about us, and allow ourselves to be naive about some things. It is better to be trusting than not. You don't want to become hard because if you do, you will never again look at your life through those beautiful rose-colored glasses. And you'll miss them. DOn't grow up in your heart. Rejoice in the fact that you have one!!!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 17:23, 2006-09-10
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
This might be a good time to look into the subject of FEAR or (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. What went on in my head was the reason that the last word of step 2 is "sanity" what went on in my heart was dread and hopelessness....and my soul had been replaced by a large dark hole. I use to be very affected by other members sharing about their lives with fear and I related every time. I worked on this issue every chance I got and came to the honest realization that many of my very serious "reactions" were in response to something that I was afraid of; people, places and things. Fear was/sometimes still is my greatest emotional character defect and though I thought I hid it well many members of the AFG in face to face meetings knew I suffered from it. They were willing to help me at anytime and when I got over the fear of reaching out to complete strangers...I got more help than I expected. Today I am mostly "fear free." This was a spiritual grace for me...no charge and I have to give it away every chance I get. Feelings associated with fear are nervousness, anxiousness, unsure of myself or others, procrastination, depression, anger, rage, isolation and more. Evidence that fear is a very important problem can be (if you are christian) found in the life of Christ in the NT of any bible. If you are not the above and are maybe into emotional programs other than Al-Anon, you will encounter the subject of fear constantly. Of course if you just read the black and white and in-between-the-lines sharing in this program fear seems to be the only emotion expressed.
The polar opposite of fear is FAITH. This is not religion. It is much deeper than religion. My definition of faith was changed while attending this program. It use to be, "Believing without seeing." Today that has evolved into, "Acceptance without reservation." There is a huge difference to me because I no longer entertain doubt which is a tap root of fear. Faith that I am going to be okay no matter what is happening outside of myself is great faith. I accept this without reservation.
Try going after this emotion and looking it up in our literature. It is important.
