Aloha Pearly!!

Good post and courage to change the things I can..."   You have learned some things about recovery and who's responsibility is who's when it comes to you and the alcoholic.  You are even practicing recovery behaviours and I don't know how long you have been around the program..for me It took me 3 or more years to get a little of this and enough to start working it.  I have no resentments about that cause I was given the grace to get it when I got it.  I also learned to give grace to the alcoholic and other in my life.  This helped me not focus on them and stopped my projecting doom into future events.  My alcoholic got some room to breathe and so did I.  Its had work being addicted to the alcoholic and having them rent space in my head for very long periods of time.  Its full time work running check on them.  Learning how to let the alcoholic go and let my self go to God seemed like the start of a new career that I had no idea if it would pay off.

Learning the fine art of detachment is like a separation without the double rent.  Detachment for me was learning to love her while allowing her the dignity of the consequences of her choices, past, present and future without judging, taking over, critiquing, demanding but deciding how I wanted to live my life in that moment.  You did that in the car.  You have the experience.  I know what separation and divorce are.  In fact I know more about that than I do about being married...sad.  No fun I run was a guiding philosophy when I was sick.  Accepting that she was a sick person and not a bad person helped me to understand that some of my justifications were fictional and accepted the truth that I was fearful and blaming.  Like you I had amends to make (changes) along with the apologies to the persons, especially the alcoholic and myself whom I hurt sometimes terribly.

By the way I came to understand that our marriage was normal for and alcoholic marriage and abnormal for "normies".  Even though I didn't like how it was turning out I accepted it as normal, my part in it, her compulsion to drink to excess first and then try to be normal afterwards and both of our wishes that life would be better.  We both wanted the same thing!!  and could never have it while alcohol was the main focus in our life.  We didn't have a marriage...we had a bad arrangement that included too many things that made a bad arrangement worse as time continued.

I learned never to listen and put stock in anything the alcoholic says.  Under the compulsion to drink without any negative consequences and alcoholic will say anything that they could possibly believe.  The disease wants an opportunity to drink first, last foremost.  Early recovery alcoholic and addicts are swimming under so many rambling thoughts, emotions, withdrawals and the like they are now way near being trusted as normal and reliable.  Might as well put your hopes and fear on to the shoulders of a stick.  They are not bad,....they are very sick.  Staying in bed for 30 hours is an indication of sick, sick sick not anything else.  I of course had to be brought to that realization after all the blaming I did on her.

My sponsor asked me a question once.  It was another stupid question that I had no answer for and defaulted to assuming everyone knew.  The question was why do you let words hurt you?  F... Y... are only words, why do you let them hurt you?  For the very life of me I thought the man was crazy and still I could not answer the why.  I found out later and words don't hurt me near as much as before and when they do now I know the reason.  Never leave the quality of your self esteem up to a spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally sick person...never. Its not a good choice...might as well go find the stick.

Pearly none of your mates recovery is dependent upon what you do, think, feel or imagine.  His recovery is dependent upon his willingness and his capacity to be honest with himself and others.  Seems he has some of that and the fatal compulsion to drink.  Typical...expect it and you won't ever be surprised about what he says and does.  You will come to understand.  His recovery is subject to his program work, his abandonment to a Power Greater than himself, his humility in reaching out to other recovering alcoholics who have gone before him and maintain a day to day solid sobriety.  This is not you in any sense of the word.  In recovery reality you are the enemy for now and just for now.   You did not cause him to drink, you cannot control his drinking and you will not cure him from alcoholism.   Alcoholism is an incureable disease that can only be arrested by total abstinence (straight out of one AMA definition of alcoholism.)  I memorize the definition so that I could accept the alcoholic(s) in my life.

Here is a Al-Anon slogan. One of many.  I would suggest you get the others and memorize them.  Keeping them close will save your sanity if not your life or the life of your alcoholic.  This one is, "Don't Project".  Don't project doom into the future and don't project negative feelings into others.  Stay in the now, the moment in your HP's palms.  Kill the negative expectations of the future and you will be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't come out your way.  (Another prized piece of wisdom from a loving sponsor.)  He was right...I was grateful.

What ever you decide you have to accept the consequences of.  Maybe it would be better to find consequences you do want and do the actions required to get them.  Course this is a better endeavor after sometime in the program taking suggestions, doing the steps and traditions, the slogans, prayer - meditation, honest self inventory, amends making, more prayer and meditation, getting a sponsor, going to lots of meetings with an open mind and open ears, (put the cotton in your mouth I was told) and giving away what works for you to others who have come from where you have come and come here for help.  That last bit was the 12th step.  "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all my affairs."  That by the way is what happens on this Al-Anon board.  We love you and we care and because we do we share what was freely given to us and what worked so that you might, just might, grow and heal and go on to help others.    You belong here.  Your seat is your seat, it will always be here for you as we will.  We already knew you were out there and that you would show up and you are no longer alone...you are family.  You've just come home.

The life you are living is the life we didn't want either and I found that leaving it really meant changing it.  I thought that leaving it was by killing myself.  What I give today is that killing myself would be an unsuccessful suicide.  Changing my life into a life I want to live is how to end it all...a successful suicide.   Sounds crazy but it isn't.  I get to end my old life and continue on happy, joyous and free.

Do you need more patience?  Who doesn't and we will let you answer that question.  What do you think.  If you had more patience and less focus on the alcoholic and less expectations of others and yourself would your life be better?  Mine was.  I hate frustration...I hate it with a purple passion and I don't have to go thru frustration the second I practice patience.  Go figure!!  Almost like magic. 

Lend yourself to this wonderful program for a day at a time for the next 90 days. Let go of the yesterdays with the exception of the things that have helped you grow in understanding and serenity.  Place yourself right in the middle of today and the arms of your higher power and this program and let tomorrow be what it is if it comes to pass and things will come to pass for you that you cannot imagine right now.  Take it all one step at a time and keep coming back.

This is a long one.  I've been accused rightfully of getting right to the point no matter how long it took.  You are worth it!  You are okay and will get better and will be sooooo surprised.

(((((hugs))))) yours in love and service.