The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A year has gone by since my husband had his left kidney out due to cancer. He's busy at work, attending union meetings, told his drinking buddy he needs a few months by himself since he's busy w/work. Our son turned 14 and doesnt want his mother to fill up all his free time (Hey I was lucky to have his companionship as long as I did!) My brother returned to court, had his own problems, my mother is enabling him - Im ready to disown them and I feel ok with that decision. My son & I adopted 2 bunnies early June - I spend alot of time taking care, hugging them. I dropped out of Curves as it lost my interest.
However - fall/winter will be coming. Im looking at the need for companionship. I have gotten better w/doing things on my own. Booked a week at WDW solo this coming April, planning on attending a rabbit education seminar myself today. Thinking of joining a new gym (treadmill, weights) that just opened in my town.
My question is - if things are running smoothly in my life should I still be going to AlAnon for the companionship? (My husband has not stopped drinking but has cut back considerably). I dont currently feel the need to work the steps, journal or read AlAnon literature. It seems sometimes the topics/steps can get one down instead of building up. Im looking for positive things in my life.
What I have found in my own life, is that I need Alanon every day. My A has totally stopped drinking for now. I don't know if he will pick it up again or not, but I want to help others in any way I can to get through this, as others have so kindly helped me.
I don't know what would have happened in my life if I hadn't found this site. Here, I have met absolutly fabulous friends, who are willing to share their love as well as their Experience, Strength and Hope.
I find the things that I have learned in Alanon have helped me in every aspect of my life, even insomnia, LOL! (read my last post,"Let Go And Let God).
In the end, it is up to you, but thought I'd share my own experience. Love in the program, TLC
I Barbara! Only you have the answer to this question. If you truly feel that AlAnon brings you down rather than lift you up, then your must search your soul. I feel that whether my A is drinking or not, or whether I feel strong or not, AlAnon has a place in my life. I want to help others on their journey to serenity. Sometimes I do that in a non-conventional way, but I usually feel I give others something to think about and hope for. Perhaps you can go about it that way. THink of the good a kind, understanding word can bring. A positive message that can reach the heart of someone who is hurting.
But at the end of the day, it is a decision that must come from you based on your true feelings about the program. I wish you well as you make your decision.
Sincerely, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I find that if I don't have any contact with the program, I tend to start sliding back into old attitudes - not so much with my A, as just generally in life. I start to obscess, to judge, to get smug and self righteous. I like myself better if I have some alanon contact.
It may not be ideal, but it is reality that most of us tend to cling to the program pretty hard when things are going badly,and let it slide a bit when things are going well.
I really have alot to be grateful about. When I first walked into the doors of Al-Anon I heard that we don't graduate from this program. I'm glad I heeded that suggestion, as today, after 14 years in Al-Anon and although I am no longer with my AH, I am dealing with a 13 year old who is choosing the path his father took. I have learned to embrace the smooth sailing days and today can even embrace these tough days.... why???? because by HP is in charge either way. I can freely feel the pain and the love throughout making decisions. I can choose to have a really good day even when the waves are rushing at me. I know that even if the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a train ready to bear down on me, it will eventually pass on by. I give alot to this program, but I receive alot back too. The friends that I have are priceless. When my 26 year old daughter called me from Germany this week to tell me that she was in the ER with a panic attack, I could love her and not try to fix her, same with my 21 year old daughter when she was throwing up the day after she choose to go out to a bar. Do I get tripped up sometimes, most certainly!!!! But I have two wonderful sponsors, this room of MIP, and a few different f2f meetings that pull me through. We can laugh together and cry together. That's the beauty of this program. For me, yes... I need this program whether life is running smoothly or not. Thanks for the reminder of how important the family of Al-Anon is to me and how grateful I am for them!
I think that regardless of how smoothly my life is going Alanon has its place. I may tend to cut back a bit, just because of my schedule, but I do miss it. Hubby is the same way with his AA meetings. He is not one of those that must go everyday. He went at first because he had to. Now he is learning to fill that void with other things. He goes now, because he wants to go! That's the difference and that's huge. The funny thing about us is that sometimes when I'm off my program he gently nudges me back and reminds me that maybe I might want to get to a meeting. AA is his security blanket, and Alanon is mine. Like Linus VanPelt, I am not ready to give it up. Yes, life is good for right now, but one never knows.
Love the idea of the bunny rescue! A friend of mine does that, and she has 15 of them running amok among the antique furniture! Not a one has nibbled on the good stuff! Glad things are going good for you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I love that question. Personally I think it is all about having a balance in your life. I often picture a pendulum. When I first came to Al-Anon I was all the way on one side of that pendulum swing... then I started swinging all the way over to the other side. Still no balance in my life. But hey, I had awareness of the need for balance! That was a positive step in the right direction. I came to a point where I began referring to Al-Anon more as "a way of life" rather than as "a program". For isn't that what it is? How to live life in a healthy way. "It works if you work it"... what does that mean? For me it means taking what I learn and applying it to everyday life, to everything in my life.
If I sit in front of this computer all day in Alanon...is that having balance in my life? If I attend ftf's and do nothing else, is that having balance? I love the quote I saw from another Alanon member... "Al-Anon is not my whole life, but it has made my life whole."
I know how easy it is when things are going smoothly do grow lax about alanon. I've done it. I've always found the need to get back in touch with alanon though. As someone else said, I too have found myself "slipping" into old behaviors at times.
The suggestion about coming just to help others.... well I'm glad there are "oldies" who do continue to come, who were here when I first came in, who shared their ESH with me. And they've said to me they too are grateful, that they learn from me the newbie also, that it can also remind them of where they were, how far they came, where they don't want to be again.
On feeling brought down in the meetings.... yes I can relate. Sitting here listening to newbies vent or cry, listening to an older member going thru tough times and unable to "see the light" at the moment... yes, it can get hard and discouraging. But then, another member will share an uplifting share, what helped them, how they made it thru. I've done that a time or two when I was in a meeting such as you described. You could do it too. That is a gift we can bring back to others and perhaps just maybe change the tone of the meeting in doing so.
This is a "we" program. We all have our ups and downs. When I'm down, you can help me by being up and vice versa. It works great.
Thanks for that question! It's nice hearing what others think on it.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Aloha Barbara...for me your post is a God trick. Look at all the responses you got from family members and no one telling you that you gotta go or gotta stay.
When I got into the Family Group they suggested that, "I try as many meetings as I could in the next 90 days and that if after that period of time I decided that Al-Anon wasn't for me I could leave and they would gladly refund my misery." Initially that shocked me as insensitive and scared me because I had so much insanity to flee from. I didn't know if the program would work for me and they offered no guarantees. They told me that the disease was incurable and fatal and I got depressed. They told me that it was for life and then taught me that from Al-Anon I could have a life worth living and keeping. After 16 years I was waiting for a signal that I was cured and could leave and then the first suggestion regarding, "getting my miseries refunded" scared the holy bejeezes out of me.
I use to believe that I could do my life all by myself and found out I was not a good manager of my life or anyone elses. I needed to believe that I could come, get and then leave and found out I needed to come, get and then take what worked to other suffering people affected by this fatal disease.
You certainly can leave. You have all the power of choice and not a one of us will miss a step going on with our lives. We love you enough to allow you to make your own decisions and to earn all the consequences of those decisions...just like the consequences that bought you here in the first place.
Our literature has references to your real questions. If you are still questioning...get some conference approved literature...let me suggest the ODAT (One Day at A Time in Al-Anon) or the Courage to Change or the Hope for Today, As we remember, the Al-Anon Big Book, How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics or any of the other literature available to you. You can find literature on this site's home page.
Just to share an awakening with you about you feeling okay. I lived in the world of insanity and insanity became usual and normal. When life was going crazy I believe that life was the way it was supposed to be, normal and okay. I got use to living in, thinking in, acting in and accepting insanity until I no longer had the capacity for more and didn't find any value in my life and wanted it over with. I learned to consider this question for my life now. "Is this really how a sane person chooses to live or am I again content with the craziness?"
I am grateful, very grateful for your post and especially for all the responses from the other family members. Thanks all for the support!!
As everyone else has told you, the only one who can answer that question is you.
As for myself, I have found that Alanon has given me the tools to live by. As I go on and get busy, I back off a little. I leep reading and the slogans and principals are now a part of my life and I use them without even thinking about it. When I find myself slipping or getting in over my head, I head for more meetings or come here.
I have found that when things are not going well or I am not coping well it is because I am slipping back into old ways and I need a wake up call, it always helps to set myself straight.
Alanon is like family to me and like my family ( the ones I don't live with), even if I am busy and not around for a while it is always good to come home.
Anytime my life is running smoothly, I need to watch out: I get complacent. I think "Hey, I've got the answers. It's cool. I don't need program." So I do my thing and BOOM!
I need program because my life becomes unmanageable.
So I've learned that if it ain't broke don't fix it.
(((Barbara)))) I think you got some outstanding replies to your post. Oh, no! You dropped out of Curves???? I just joined. So far, I love it.
As for Alanon, it is something I do for me, whether my husband ever gets sober or not. I feel the same way about Curves. I used to feel so guilty about spending any time on myself, now it's all MEMEMEMEMEME! Just kidding, but it does make me feel so much better.
I loved the reply from Kismet about having balance. I tend to either go overboard, or just say forget it. I'm either in or out. But, I'm finding things that make me feel better, and that is the stuff I'm gonna stick with.
I love the idea of the bunny rescue also. How wonderful, and I'm sure the bunnies think so too!
Hope you continue to take care of yourself, and find the path that is waiting for you.
