Aloha Wolf and welcome to the forum.  You're still in family and you kept coming back so you are a listener and a suggestion taker.   Your story is very similar to mine including the mother part.  I didn't do a lot of guilt because I had created enough denial and justifications to get by guilt and shame.  Besides my value systems were pretty well buried beneath the consequences of my pre-recovery behaviors.  I was very spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically sick. I had no relationship with a power greater than myself or with anyone who I trusted enough to listen to with an open mind. 

Getting past the guilt and shame came from accepting that I had done the best I could with the tools I had then and would no longer use my past behaviors in trying to build a new life. Getting past the resentments especially for my mother and step father came from learning that the opposite to resentment is forgiveness and a compassion deep enough to allow them the same esteem that I was building for myself.  After all there wasn't much difference between us as human beings and our experiences were very similar also.  They were children of God just as I was and as vunerable as I was also.  A miracle took place when I came to understand that no matter how horrible I thought it had been....my Mother/Parents did the very best they could with the tools they had then.  I let her off the hook and took responsibility for my life as it was then. I agree with your take about doing what is necessary to change ones self including doing things that feel fearful and uncomfortable.  I can have others in my life today that I wouldn't spend a lot of time with.  I get to control that...there are no "have tos" when I keep the choice and not surrender it over to others.  Like you I love the family, friends and people around me and I choose how I want to have a relationship with them.

It can be done if you really want it.

I hated having all the negative feelings and crazy negative thoughts I constantly lived with and no one was beyond my angry, spiteful, resentful, hateful, judgements regardless of position or power.  I was an equal opportunity sickie. The willingness to get into step 4 and continue on to step 9 grew and I continued the process until self discovery brought me, in relationship to everyone else, into clear perspective.  I found the part about, "Loving others as I would like to be loved" and started to practice it even with my parents.  I was able to become a kind, loving, considerate and compassionate son (actually human being) before my Mothers death and was able to help her thru her fear of dying (living really) while she was going thru it.  It was a 12th step process.  I can't remember ever hearing that a 12th step was only for those who suffered from someone elses alcoholism even though my mom was the daughter and sister of alcoholics.

I appreciate your story because it verifies the reality of my own experiences so.....thank you or Mahalo from where I am at.  I appreciate your awareness of what works and the courage and fortitude to keep coming after it because this disease wants me complacent and unsure of myself.  It wants me unsteady and mostly fearful because under these conditions it can and will win.   I appreciate your honesty.  If I rely on this principle I don't have to fear feeling guilty and shameful.

As you can plainly see...your post hit me in the recovery button.  I am grateful.

Thanks for coming home.  No it ain't a f2f (face to face) and it does still work as you work it.

((((((hugs))))))

OMG!!!! Reading your post was like reading my life story ... Thank you for the comfirmation....

This morning I woke up sort of in a daze and for a brief moment did not know where I was.... I was sleeping hard.... As I put my feet on the floor and started to walk towards the bath I realized my mind was quiet.... I went back and laid upon my bed, put my feet back on the floor and still my mind was quiet!!!!  It hasn't been that way in a long time... it truly surprised me that my mind wasn't racing from the moment my feet hit the floor.... I turned everything over last night and asked that my path be cleared.... I will continue this every night from now on!!

Before I finally laid down for the night I wrote a bit about what it is that I have been feeling since the call from my brother. My defective behaviors were attempting to kick in and how I felt lost in feeling them rise from the inner depths of me... I forgave my mom along time ago, but I've never truly made ammends to her. I know realize that I have the opportunity to do this before it is to late... Face to face, let her know that I love her. After I finished my writing, I called my work and told them that I will be taking the week of 9/18 thru 9/24 off to go visit my mom.

I have the love of my HP with me and for the next week I am going to write down every thought that I have in regards to my mom and the things that I not only want to say to her but the things that need to be said to her... She in her own right was also a victim of the "A" in our lives.  She will know that I do love her unconditonally.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I truly needed them....My HP brought me to this site last night, knowing that I would get what it is that I needed....

Wolfsong: I have cetainly been where you are.  I went to visit my mother about a year before she eventually died and it did help. At the same time it also brought up a lot for me. I needed therapy, program, support (and support is hard to come by around a dysfunctional family) and more.

I don't want to say don't go.  I think its up to you. At the same time I would urge you to get as much support and companionship as you can. I eventually spent a lot of time debriefing from that visit. Reconnecting with my family of origin was an intense experience.

Maresie.