I do not need people in my life anymore. - Al-Anon Family Group

hmrnrnmm · Veteran Member

I do not need people in my life anymore.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one, please do not allow borish, rude people to affect your serenity. I know how easily feelings can be hurt, especially when we mean only good, and are cut down so hatefully. Hey! Happened to me just today, so I think, perhaps this person was having a bad day himself, or perhaps he is just a jerk. Either way, he is in his misery; don't let him drag you down into it with him.

I love "Desiderata" and often quote it. One line says, "Avoid loud and aggressive persons. They are a vexation to the spirit." How very true.

Who was it who said, "Dogs are nicer people than most people." Now there's a mouthful!! LOL!

I shall not address your problem with your father, as I have no words of wisdom to share. But I do beg you; don't allow yourself to fold up because some ignorant fool embarrassed and hurt you. I believe that those who speak so brusquely are hurting in their own way. Pity him. That's the best thing you can do.

Sincerely, Diva

faraway06 · Member

I think its my grandmother who likes to say, everyone needs people in their life. Reaching out, even through these pages, shows you do too. And I think it is wonderful. You have reached me.

I have been in your shoes so many times: trying to share something special and having my feelings, my risk at being vulnerable and open completely criticized and shot down. How I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry and never come out! (and I often did!) What I realize is that those are the moments we need people more than ever. But you're right, not just any people, people who are kind, compassionate, open. The incredible thing I've found through Al-Anon is: people are here waiting for you anytime you reach out. I finally understood the meaning of the word, "godsend" when I joined Al-Anon.

Unfortunately, through recovery I realize I have also been the critical person you encountered (and to my sadness more times than I'd like to admit). I agree completely with Diva--when others lash out, are controlling, and critical, it is a sign of sickness, of pain, of internal conflict. I know the times I have been most critical and controlling are because I'm not happy in my own skin. It's hurtful and unkind. But the sign of someone in need (even when s/he may be in recovery). Please don't let their lashes cut you too deeply. I read a post last night about a woman who creates a double-thick glass wall to protect herself anytime the A in her life is verbally abusive or unkind--what a great image! Protect yourself but dont crawl away too far.

A person who came to my face-to-face meeting recently shared a longer version of the serenity prayer recently. It really spoke to me, so I share it with you:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Grant me patience with the changes that take time, appreciation for all that I have, tolerance for those with different struggles, and the strength to get up and try again--one day at a time.

Thank you for reaching out. I pray you find peace and comfort in these pages--and face to face!

hmrnrnmm · Veteran Member

I love "Desiderata" and often quote it. One line says, "Avoid loud and aggressive persons. They are a vexation to the spirit." How very true.

I bought the "desiderata" on a piece of glass years ago. When I get thru my clutter and find it again. I will display it in my mobile home when it is refurbished.

Who was it who said, "Dogs are nicer people than most people." Now there's a mouthful!! LOL!

Hmm, Maybe that is why we have 29 dogs, 9 cats, 2 pet ducks & 2 goats plus a ton of frogs in the yard. The more I get to know people the more I love my animals. LOL

hmrnrnmm · Veteran Member

LOL My A is being sympathetic to me for a change. I will be so glad when PMS is over for good. I am an emotional wreck.

The man in AlAnon does not attend regularly. I suppose he is living alone. The rest of the group kept looking to him for answers & advice I guess because he had been the senior member. They kept referring to him by name. They said "he knows the AlAnon rules & trys to keep us on track." The other lady that was crying was leading the group.

I guess he triggered my fathers memory in me. I was told how bad I was , how I could not do this or that right for almost 21 years. When my father stood up in a crowded resturant we frequented and said " Hanging out with lesbians is not having a life". ( more to that story after we left & leading up to that comment... for another time) I decided I no longer needed a daddy to tell me who I should or could not hang out with,etc. I was 31 or 32 years old & divorced back then.

I bought a CD & am listening to it now. Uplifting songs to me............It is called True originals......music just for you. It is a bunch of different artist. I paid under $3.00 at Target Stores in the clearance section.

Have a Great Day!

Cilla · Senior Member

This is a lovely poem..... the following link shows the complete poem.

http://www.postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=550338

Although it is not a CAL approved literature, for you to share this poem in a personal share of yours would be permitted under the World Service Manual pg 85 under the title of Outside Publications: Other Literature at Meetings: There are many outside publications on alcoholism, religion, and philosophy that appeal to members as individuals. Brief excerpts from such material may be part of their personal sharing at meetings. In a spirit of unity, it is suggested tht only Al-Anon and Alateen Conference Approved Literature be used and displayed at meetings.

Thanks so much for sharing with us and I really pray that through this struggle you will find peace and remember: be gentle with yourself!

Hugs

Cilla

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

That is a beautiful poem! I can see a lot of the Al-Anon principles in it. Thank you for sharing it! (And a big thanks to Cilla for finding it, I tried googling it last night with no success.)

Ya know hmrnrnmm, this could be a great opportunity to learn how to not react to someone who pushes your buttons. You compared that man to how your father made you feel. I have also encountered members who push my buttons (and I'm sure I've probably pushed buttons for others), but the wonderful thing about this program is that it helps us learn how to detach from that automatic reaction, we learn to not take it personally (the slogan QTIP - quit taking it personally), we learn that we do have value within ourself, and while what we share may seem "worthless" to one person - to another person it could be just what they needed to hear. Like your poem for example, I personally think its a great addition to my CAL stuff.

Reminds me of a math class I was in. The teacher would explain the problem, everyone else around me would be nodding their head. I would sit there "duh, I don't get it at all" and have to raise my hand and ask him to explain it again. This teacher was great, he could explain it in another way, and then the lightbulb would go off in my head. But for the life of me, I never could "get it" with the first explanation that seemed to work so well with everyone else. It is okay to be different.

As for Al-Anon "Rules"... oh boy, here we go. Al-Anon does NOT have "Rules". What we have are guidelines. Where do we find these? In our Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. No ONE member should be The Authority on how it works. Every member can educate themself on how it works by simply reading up on our Traditions, etc. Groups are free to choose how their group works, as long as they stick to the spirit of the principles (guidelines). Length of time in the program doesn't always equal knowledge of the program or actual working and applying of the program.

H.O.W. comes to mind. It stands for Honesty, Open Mindedness, and Willingness. This is how we approach our program. I have read about outside literature and why it is discouraged. I agree with the principle of not wanting to "pollute" our program with outside stuff because then we could lose the whole essence of what Al-Anon is about, which is being a very simple program. Yet to briefly share an excerpt of something that helped oneself along with our program, well I see nothing wrong with that at all. How many times have I heard someone say "I go to a therapist who told me..." or something else like that. All they are doing is sharing how they used that along with program work to get where they are. Now what I would disagree with is if someone spent their whole share pushing a certain kind of therapy or outside book, etc. with the intention of replacing or diverting others from Al-Anon. See the difference?

We are a very diverse group of people here. We're going to run into all kinds. Some are mild, some are rigid, some are know-nothings, some are know-it-alls... LOL There's just so many different types of people. The common thread is we are all trying to learn how to live again having been affected by alcoholism. In every meeting it is said "Take what you like and leave the rest." To me this doesn't just apply to what is said, it also applies to how people act. I can respond to kindness, and ignore anything hurtful or button pushing. Although, as I mentioned above, I have often found for myself that when someone pushes my buttons, it does benefit me in that it makes me examine why that pushed my button, it helps me to confront that issue within me and see if it is something I need to change within myself. I have sometimes started out disliking a person for that, yet grew to love them in that special Al-Anon way because they challenged me in a way that forced me to change for the better, to be able to see something in a totally different, healthier light.

I forget how the phrase goes... something like, I learn from some how I want to be, and I learn from some how I don't want to be.

Yup, I like that poem. I'm glad you shared it. Thank you.

Luv, Kis

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.