The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so confused. There's no meeting available to me tonight, and I'm not good about using the phone list... so I come here. Thank you for being here. Background: My husband is an alcoholic. Has been in rehab, 3 weeks in June, and 2 weeks in August that was mandated by the law. He does go to AA meetings, 3-4 times a week. His recovery seems sincere at times, and at others, not so. I try to resist taking his inventory... and I'm getting better. I attend Alanon 2 times a week, all that is available to me... been going since May.
Was this me controlling him? Or was I maintaining me own boundary?
Today, I was driving back from picking my husband up at school (he's a grad student, but loss his license for DUI) and he asked that I stop so he could buy "a couple beers." I said, "no, I' not going to stop." (He used to stop on his way home from school and start drinking in the car and continue when he got home into the night, it has always progressed into everyday) I said, "I'm uncomfortable with the open container in the car." He rolled his eyes, became angry, said I was controlling him, called me nasty names. I said "what makes you think that this time, you'll be able to control it?" (maybe I shouldn't have said that. He said "I want to try" he continued "you know, I just wanted to have a couple beers, be social, hang out with you" He continued with the nasty names. I said "I'm not going to watch you go down that path again, if you want to drink you can walk to the store or the bar when we get home." I continued "you'll be able to drink in the car again on your way home when you can drive again, and if thats what you want to do, you can make that decision." I then said "but I'm not going to be a part of it, I'm certainly not going to help you to drink... I have the right to decide to not be around it (the drinking) anymore." He said, "so your going to leave me." I said "well, maybe. yeah, if your drinking again" He said, "well, maybe you should just leave me" He called me a B---- again, and we drove home in silence. When we got home, he went to sleep... its 3 1/2 hours later and he's still asleep.
I'm so crushed. I'm not crying or anything... I think they've all dried up. But it seems to me though, that he still believes that he'll be able to control his drinking at some point. I'm so crushed... I actually believed that this time, when he said " I know I can't control my drinking, the one time I tried to have just a few, it lead me right back to a cell" that he actually meant it, that he actually had accepted his illness. He has been in trouble 4 times, but never been to jail (other than the night that he gets picked up on), just the 2 week state mandated rehab, and many years of probation. This time, if he gets caught drinking or smoking pot, he goes to jail for 2 years because of a suspended sentance.
I'm just crushed. I don't get it. One minute he's all 'recovery' talk, and the next it's this. I do know, that if he starts drinking again, that I have to leave... but do I have to leave right away?? Or do I wait for the inevitable?
Was me not stopping today me trying to control him??? How should I have, how could I have handled this better?
Am I in denial about my marriage and the possibility that he'll ever find recovery? Today has really thrown me off. and my heart is just breaking. I know that no matter what, I will be ok. is god trying to warn me of something? about me, or about my marriage?
it sounds like you handled it the best way you could. it sounds like you stuck to your boundry. for you, not against him. just imagine the way you would have handled it before you came to alanon and i bet you'll see how much you've grown and changed. i'm sorry that you are going thru this. i've been in similar situations with my ah (now my ex ah). and i didn't know when or even if i would leave. i had left before many times but always came back. but the last time i just knew it was time. i was in a meeting asking the same questions you are and someone said that i'll just know. and 3 days later i just knew. it was time. and it was sad and it is hard. but i don't regret my decision. good luck and much love. keep comming back....
Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Sounds like you got that down pretty good. Don't fall into the trap of second guessing yourself. You are not running around trying to prevent him from drinking and it is your right to not cater to his addiction. Good for you.
I understand your disappointment of hearing him say he can't control it and then the next saying he can. It's all part of the disease. You may even find him denying he ever said he's got a problem -- that's not unusual. Try to detach when he's flip floping about his recovery, remember it is up to him to get sober and take his sobriety seriously. Go back to Step 1.
I'd like to point out something to you, something that was pointed out to me at one time and that is accepting unacceptable behavior. I know it is up to us individually to decide what we are willing to live with but there is no reason to live w/ the verbal abuse and be his taxi driver too. Do you accept anyone else talking to you this way? Would you be offended if someone else did? How would you handle that in any other situation? Think about it. This could be another boundry issue you may want to tackle. You are worth it.
One thing about boundries, they are set up to protect us, not them. Boundries are balanced with consequences, and if a boundry is established it's not worth anything if it is followed thru with if it's crossed.
This was not you controlling him. This was you setting a boundary. Rightfully so. I do not like the idea of open containers in the car, even if I'm not driving. You did a great job handling it.
No addict I know can be a "social addict" whatever their drug of choice is. It just doesn't work. You choice to leave or stay has to be based on what is best for you. Some will not stay, some will. But give yourself time to make that decision. They always say in recovery not to make any life altering decisions within the first 6 months. There's a reason for this. It gives us time to get healthy and get our bearings back. However, I needed to make that decisions quicker. But that was me. There is no time line to this business of recovery.
Keep the focus on you and what is best for you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have many many arguments with the A in the truck. I can definitey understand your not wanting to stop for alcohol. I can also understand how devastated you are to hear him planning to act out...after all your effort. I put a lot of limits on what can happen around me. I do not travel with the A when he is drinking. I feel terrible that I have even travelled with him when he has drank at all. I am working really super hard to change that for me so that I have other options.
I hope you will consider your options. Do not be goaded by the A into taking rash actions. They somehow need to cause chaos in order to fuel their drinking. I am not sure why, none of it is rational. The issue is that it is hard to be rational around someone who is irrational.
this is a good place to come to vent, gather your strength regroup and make decisions for you.
