When I am able to take a step back from my relationship with the A I can see I have really been forced into this martyr role.  I think that by giving I am showing love.  In fact with this specific A there is never enough for him. When he was ill, I was the 'only ' one there for him. All his "friends" scattered.  They never called, offered help, nothing.  I took on all the responsibilities of the house and more. What did I get for it.  When he started to get better he let me have all his anger and he denied over and over that I gave him anything.  I gave till I had nothing left to give and I saved none for me. 
Then I was exhausted, bitter, angry and broken. It has taken me a long time to get back up from that.  I should also say when I was sick, when I was very very very sick, I got no reciprocaition. When I had asthma so bad I could not do housework he was always telling me all I needed was exercise. I'd ask him to go to the store to buy the animals food but his friends took priority over everything.  So it was not out of guilt, a sense of duty or anything that I gave. I had some misguided idea that this giving, this love would transform him. His mother totally ignored him when I was sick. I totally identified with his pain and did not take in my own pain (I have plenty of it before I met him and more since I dealt with him) or even the fact I needed boundaries.

I don't mean to sound like I don't care about the A's issues anymore. I do but I no longer overidentify with them.  I identify with my own pain and my recovery partner's pain not his.  He has resources, he is a veteran.  He has tremendous resources within the VA he can access them.   I have to scavenge to find resources and he does not even ask about them. 

I think I have let my martyr tendencies get completely out of control around him and his acting out and his demand and his needs.  I have also let them get out of control around his family and friends. These days I do not involve myself with them or even ask after them.  They have resources and their own HP after all. I focus most of my time on me and my issues not him and his issues and his needs and what he wil do next (because I am afraid of what it might be). 

For me I think I really have to inventory and learn about my martyr tendencies because I know I have not just been a martyr around him but around other people/situations too and I want to stop because it is very self destrutive behavior. Regardeless of whether I have to deal with him or not (and there will be a time when I do not anymore I know that) I have to deal with these tendencies which really hurt me in the long run and the short term.

Maresie.