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Next month it will be one year since my son and dil separated. Everyone seems to be going forward in their lives except me. I am trying but some days when I think about each of them dating someone else and maybe starting new lives, saddness just overwhelms me. I have 2 granddaughters that we all love dearly. When I try to believe that we are all where we are suppose to be...where God wants us to be...it is just to hard for me to believe it. I try so hard not to question my HP about things he is doing, but I can't help thinking how these girls are where they should be...without parents that are together. Me and hubby talk sometime about how we feel that neither one of them (especially my son) put any effort into getting into recovery. seeking counceling or ever really even talked about trying to work this out. I realize that my grands probably are better off not living in an A family and I thank God that they split up fast as the children did not see any of it. However, they were affected by the breakup. They wanted daddy to live at home with all of them. It is just not going to happen and they will be divorced next month. Why can't I get over this?.I was not this upset and sad when my own first marriage didn't work.
I am so sorry you are feeling so heartbroken, and you have genuine reasons why. Things are not working out as planned, and you are right, you wish that your grandchildren would have a stable, loving environment with parents together. But it sounds like it wasn't healthy, and perhaps if they would have stayed it would have made their upbringing worse. It sounds like you and your husband are loving people and you can bring as much love into your grandchildren's lives as you can at this time.
When you wrote "Everyone seems to be going forward in their lives except me." it struck me. There is something I read somewhere that I have pasted in my car and read over and over. It says "the more you are stuck on other people's issues, the less time you have to move forward with your life". I don't know if that helps you but know that I am with you today, and you are not alone in your sadness.
Pray that your family will have peace, and that things will work out - and try to let it go to God. Sometimes I pray 50 times a day for this to happen, but to also for God to HELP me let it go. We will always feel sadness, anxiety, all these human emotions, but we have to be strong for ourselves (and for the innocent kids involved) and make the best of it.
I wish you so much love today....and super ((((HUGS))))). It will pass, this too will pass....
Gailey, sometimes we must help ourselves along to be in the place that is pleasing to our HP and to us as well. I do not think He meant for us to be miserable, and to say, "Well, I guess I am in the place where HP wants me." Strive to be happy. And strive for the happiness of those you love. It's a good thing to do. Puts a smile on HP's face.....
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think when we 're close to someone--especially children--there's a feeling of infinite. "the world is your oyster" kind of idea. But I think also there's the feeling of "where do we go when the world falls apart?"
Melody beattie says that in her experience with family counceling greif is deep, and it needs to be nurtured, tended to. Its a feeling that if it's not dealt with in love, it will come back. It will...avenge itself. Come back side ways. Perhaps you are grieving for your marriage, believe it or not. I don't know. Have you considered seeing a professional for yourself? Maybe doing a 4th step with a sponsor? It is my experience with my own grief that what Melody Beattie says is true: that the most respectful action I can take on my own behalf is to be honest and loving about my feelings, acknowledging them, working through them, and surrendering them to god.
My son and his g'friend broke up a few months ago too. It is so hard on the poor little kids. My son brought my oldest (6) g'daughter to me to spend the night. When he put her to bed, he told her he would stay until she fell asleep. What really broke our hearts was that she fought to stay awake because if she fell asleep, Daddy would leave! Let me tell you, we all bawled our eyes out!! I wish there were some magic thing I could do or say to make it all better, like a kiss on a booboo.There isn't, I can't. Their youngest daughter (2) doesn't seem to be affected as much, and, sadly, the ex g'friend is pregnant with their son.
I always believed in the old ways, stick together for the kids. I stayed with my ex for 23 years, our kids were 15 and 17 when we split up. I know, even then, it affected them a lot. It is not an easy thing to go through at any age, but my kids have told me now they see how happy I am, they understand it better, and are happy for me. Living with an A may not be considered a normal relationship, but I am much happier than I was with my ex. Pardon the expression, but my ex was an a-hole most of the time, My A is only occasionally!
My son is in a new relationship (I know, too soon!), and is happier than he has been in many years. He tried, believe me, he really tried with his ex, but it just wasn't meant to be. I don't think it was good for the kids to hear and see them yelling and arguing all the time. I wouldn't like them to think that was a normal relationship!
My g'daughter has just started school, and I'm sure MOST of the friends she will make will have been through a family break-up. It seems to be the norm these days. I pray to my HP that she will be ok. My son and his ex are going to go to counseling to learn how to best help their kids through this.
I don't know if my share will help you cope any better, but just wanted you to know that I can relate, and feel so sad for your family. I guess all we can do is pray to our HPs for them. It is so heartbreaking to see little ones go through this.
I know I grieve that my younger sister does not recover from her alcoholism. When my mother died I had enormous hope that she would. She chose not to. I think walking that line between accepting they don't choose recovery and the other of holding out they might at some point is hard. I do feel for you knowing your grandchildren are growing up in a dysfunctional environment but you are not in denial about it. That is in itself a gift to them. At some point they may choose recovery and you can be "there" for them.
Well, you know that I know how this situation feels since it is very similar to mine. That "everyone seems to be moving forward but me" is just like I am these days. One step forward, two steps back. My son told us last Monday that he was through drinking...he was sick of it..he was angry at himself for making such a mess of his life. All week he has been sober and so into his life with school, visiting with his son, going out to eat with the baby and his ex, all good stuff. This morning he did such great stuff with them and all seemed well. Then, at 2 PM his father and I were at the shopping center in our neighborhood for groceries...there is a liquor store next door. When my husband and I were exiting the grocery, guess whose car was pulling out of a parking space...yep, my son. Now I don't know that he visited the liquor store, but my gut tells me he did. I have expected him to fail yet again and he probably has. He called later to talk and seemed fine and happy; I was not able to tell if he was drinking but that is how it usually is. So why did my HP "allow" us to see his car? Should I tell him I saw him? I am almost positive he had to have seen us. We certainly weren't snooping or trying to see him...just circumstance..or was it? Is my HP bringing me down to reality once more? That is what is keeping me nuts, Gailey.......I cannot move forward and I feel exactly what you do....so darn sad over it all. I think of you daily and say a prayer for you and your family. I guess I will choose to give my son the benefit of the doubt and turn it over and let it go.
