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Well, tomorrow (September 9) is my AH and my 6th wedding anniversary. After the crazy stuff he did the other night, he has calmed down. And I have remained calm throughout. This must surely be God (or HP'S) Blessing on me. Serenity! AHHHH!
Tonight we are going to a Winery for a steak dinner. (He doesn't like wine and does not drink it.) I do not believe they serve anything else, except non-alcoholic beverages. So, I am going to have a good time. The dinner was actually my idea, you get terrific steaks to cook yourself over outside grills, then you choose your side selections, dessert, a bottle of wine. I may get criticism from others for my decision, but I feel like I have spent so many years fighting this disease with various A's in my life, I am just turning my AH over to HP. You know, he's gonna drink or not, if we go to the winery or not. And he doesn't like wine, but I do, a glass about every 6 months or so! LOL. So, I feel OK about this.
Thanks to all who posted to my previous "I Live In A Crazy House". I guess I do just treat my AH as if he has alzheimer's when he gets like that. I mean, nothing he does when he gets like that makes any sense. The words, his choice of bed and covers (a washcloth?????) they are all just plain crazy.
Then the next day, my husband comes back. I have never ever "allowed" anyone to talk to me or about me this way. So, I guess I do realize that it is the disease. And the fact that I can fall asleep in the middle of his rage, and get up and go to work, well, I couldn't do it without Al-anon. I think I am getting better at detaching all the time.
I know it sounds nuts to everyone, but I do love my husband. It is easy to look at a situation and day "well, I wouldn't tolerate THAT!" But we each have our own levels of tolerence with our A's. I can look at someone else's situation and say "well, at LEAST mine goes to work! At least mine is nice SOME of the time, at least mine doesn't PEE the bed! At least mine doesn't HIT ME.....etc."
You know, we are all here to get support from one another, and I appreciate and love all of you, even though we may not all disagree. We are all living or have lived with the pain and confusion of alcoholism in our spouses, parents, children, friends, etc.
I thank God for the opportunity to have a 6th Wedding Anniversary with my AH. I didn't sometimes know if we would make it this far, but I'm glad we did. Weird, huh? That is the Serenity that I have come to know from this program. It's not about allowing my AH to downgrade me, or those I love. It's about seeing beyond the disease, to where God has me wrapped securely in protective arms, and that allows me to continue to love my AH, in spite of everything.
So, hope you all wish me a Happy Anniversary, as I am with the one I love today, and we both took of Friday, Sat., Sun, and Mon from work to be together and enjoy each other's company.
Thanks for always being here for me. I am bound to my AH, and I am bound to each and every one of you, and I am bound to HP, as I continue my journey through this life. And for that, I feel truly Blessed.
Have a wonderful and fun-filled anniversary. That restaurant sounds great!
I don't think it sounds nuts to say that you love your husband even if he acts that way in the throes of his illness. I know exactly where you are. I know what you mean, also when you say "today I have my husband back". I love my AH so much also that I am willing to learn all there is to learn about this program and keep hoping that he will seek help. It is nice to see them back for a day, sometimes two, that are good days.
I am inspired by the fact that you can sleep and be calm during these rages and chaotic times. It gives me hope that someday in the future I can do the same. My husband usually doesn't rage but keeps bugging if he's there, and if he's gone I am still sick with worry all night and don't sleep. Thank you for posting that, there is hope for sleep some night in the future!!!!
I am saying a prayer for you and your family, Becky. Thanks for your support and love and caring for those on this board and for others. Have a nice long relaxing weekend!!!
Yes, I totally agree. We all have different levels of tolerance as to what we can put up with. Others here have a marriage that makes me think "WOW, I would kick him to the curb so fast his head would spin!" for things like cheating and not working. Than others think the same about me when I write that my husband controls all of the money.
Well, I want to let you know that I totally know where you are coming from with this marriage lasting thing. I too am previously divorced (but just once) but still have your same attitude that I am determined to make it WORK this time, barring serious misconduct such as abuse, cheating, or not working.
You know what? I am on year 13 now and things are better, can you believe it? There is something to be said for sticking it out.
I have done the leaving in a huff stuff and I can tell you it is no picnic as you I am sure know. You often simply trade one set of problems for another, especially when children are invovled.
I applaud you for sticking with your marraige since it is YOUR choice and doing so with dignity and graciousness. You still go on with your life, and manage to find such compassion for your A that it puts me to shame many times. I get really really mad at my A and don't speak to him for a week at a time.
You know what? After our last separation two years ago we spoke about bringing back some good things in our marriage. We used to have "date night" every Friday. We have brought that back and I am surprised to find that husband treats this as sacred. He has pushed the boundaries a bit, gotten drunk before and I refused to go, then he made it up to me on Saturday. He has not drank on "date night" since.
Date night helps our not speaking times to never go any longer than a week, LOL. Before this he did not speak to me for an entire year once. We had not been speaking this week, but yesterday I decided to speak to him since I knew we had to make up before date night, LOL. He was eager to make up, told me he wanted to say sorry but was just patient to wait until I showed I was ready.
Money is often in short supply. Date night can be anywhere from a corn on the cob from KFC (we dont' eat junk food) or a walk on the beach (Ok, really Lake Erie, but they put sand there and call it a beach, LOL) or simple a walk downtown. But we get dressed up sorta and try to talk nicely, no bringing up problems or arguing.
I hope you have a GREAT time on your anniversary! It sounds like a lot of fun. Maybe you can convince him to take you out once a week, it may help you as much as it helps us.
Happy Anniversary to you and hubby. Where you go to dinner and what you do is none of our business. My A has often said to me when we're out if I want to have a drink go ahead. After all I don't have a disease. True. But I'm still not at that point where I'm comfortable with it, even though he's sober now.
Whatever choice you decide regarding your marriage, is up to you. I want you to live the life that you want. I'm behind you 150%. We are not in your shoes. I have no doubt you love your husband very much. He's a lucky man!
Love and blessings to you and hubby. Enjoy your day!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Where you go to dinner and what you do is none of our business. My A has often said to me when we're out if I want to have a drink go ahead. After all I don't have a disease. True. But I'm still not at that point where I'm comfortable with it, even though he's sober now.