The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had been thinking about posting this since I read it. But Tiger's most recent post really convinced me to do it. Thank you Tiger.
This is from: More on the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Stand up to your fear of abandoment
"I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't good for me," a woman said to me one day. "My boyfriend manipulates me, and he often doesn't tell me the truth. But ebery time I get ready to kick him to the curb, my fear of abandoment sets in."
Many of us have a fear of abandoment. Some of us let it rule our lives. We'll do anything just so that person doesn't walk out and leave us alone.
I spent many years letting fear of abandoment control me. After a while, I finally wore out that belief. I just got sick and tired of worrying about whether I was good enough for that person.
Then a new thought set me free: If you don't want to be my friend, or my lover, or my employer, I don't want you in my life.
No more emotional blackmail. No more stress. No more having to second-guess what that other person is feeling.
Are you spending you time worried about someone leaving you? Does your fear of being abandoned leave you feeling like and underdog in your relationships? Let it go. Stand fast. And listen to what I'm about to tell you: If that person doesn't want to be in your life, just let him or her leave. Do you someone in your life who really doesn't want to be there? Of course not. Let him or her go.
Once you adopt this belief, it's easy to send the bad relationships packing, and the good people want to stay.
God help me believe that I deserve only the best of relationships.
To me this woman is brillant! Why do we stay in bad realtionships? I do understand the economic constraints, etc. But at what point do we start taking back our lives? Recovery is about, at least to me, reclaiming ourselves. I am in a very happy, but trying relationship. I am truly blessed. But it breaks my heart to see many of the people here, whom I love dearly, in relationships that are killing them. No I am not in your shoes and I am not judging you or taking your inventory. Heck I have a hard enough time to taking my own, I can't handle anyone else's. But if you're in a relationship that is so miserable and you want to get out, know that you are not alone. We are here to support you 150% regardless. It takes strength and courage to leave something that is unhealthy behind. But I know deep in my heart that all of you out there can do that. I know you have it in you. You have strength and courage to do what you want. I promise you this, your Alanon family will never abandon you. We will always be here for you. The same way you were here for me, when I kicked hubby to the curb because I couldn't take his drinking anymore.
Love and blessings to all of you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for this post.I also think Melody Beattie is brilliant.
I have been facing my fear of abandonment lately.Since my husband has been pretty open about the fact that he wants me out of his life.That was very difficult to accept at first.But now I feel exactly as Melody stated.If he does not want to be my husband anymore,then I don't want him to either.I am tired of being hurt by him because I refused to believe he was serious.Well, now I am serious.I deserve better.
It's been with the help of this program and the people at MIP that I have decided I only want people in my life who support me and care about me.People who WANT me in their lives.I know that I can take care of myself no matter what because I am strong and I have God and the people of Alanon.
I am so glad that things are going well for you and your hub.Mine has been sober 16 years but it has been no picnic, so I know all too well that sobriety does not mean all is rosy.
At a couples workshops, my AHsober and I were told we had a love addiction (me) and love avoidant (him) relationship. My black hole inside of me was huge. He always tried to jump in the hole and fill it. It is complex but it explains alot. I know now that I do not have the emotional strength to end this marriage. I barely have enough strength living alone. This too shall pass. I want to get out of this pain. Pain is a motivator. And they say walk thru your fear.
Thanks for this reminder. I absolutely LOVE that book. I agree, Melody Beattie IS brilliant. There are so many issues that we have and fear of abandonment is definitely one for me, also.
My mom left us when I was 14, and my dad was wonderful but he worked every night, so I took care of my brother and sister and eventually two stepbrothers also. I am not blaming my parents for my fear of abandonment, but I look back at my life and think that I always took care of someone else, always. Never myself. It is a new thing for me.
My relationship now seems to be falling apart, yet I still have hope that AH will find recovery. He is such a good hearted person inside this disease, I know this. I guess I fear being alone and to be without him after all of these years.
I know what happens for me is I re-live the abandonment of my childhood. And when I am in the thick of re-living I don't necessarily know I am reliving something.
There is no question the A has abandoned me on so many levels. I also subscribe to the addiction theory. The A is love avoidant, there are many aspects of the love avoidant, love addict dance that fit me. I get "stuck" clinging to him when here is "nothing there" to cling to. I just can't find my way out of the pain. I know I have to keep it extremely simple to move on. And I know I need to lean heavily on the program to do it too.
I too love that page. I've ear marked it. Along with 1,000 other pages in my TLoLG I and our CAL
That one line gives me goosebumps because I forget how often I've said that to smaller "things" in my life. I am horrible at giving myself credit, and I think alot of us are. But there was the ex-bf that had to know where I was ALL THE TIME, who I was with ALL THE TIME, what I was doing ALL THE TIME...and I said something to the effect that Melody says: "If you don't want to be loving, caring, accepting, and honest with me about who I am, then go. Go and don't come back." And, of course, I thought I was gonna die, but I didn't.
There was the job at Sears & Roebuck that kept milking me dry of energy and cutting my pay and I said finally "If you're not gonna pay me an honest wage for an honest day, just go. Don't be in my life."
I've finally had to cede to my heart that I can have abandonment fears at work, within myself, within school, everywhere. And as I grow here in the rooms I've come to see that NO ONE and NOTHING has hurt more than when my parents have bailed. Consistently, PERIOD, no questions asked, anytime I have needed them, my parents have bailed--financially, physically, emotionally, and it's created this complex of "Oh God, Don't leave me!" coupled with "If you love me, I'll beat you black and blue! You'll know who I really am and I can't take that!" And it's CRAZY! And again, through professional intervention I'm beginning to see that my father, specifically, cannot be the standard I measure men against; I'm learning that not all women are like my mother. I'm learning, period, my mother is like my mother. And that's all there is to that.
But again that took time. And it's progress not perfection. And maybe someday I'll get the courage to say to my parents "If you don't want to have a loving, honest, kind relationship, go. Go and don't come back." Who knows?
Thank you Tiger. 
