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..."boring, workaholic who labels me an Alcoholic"
That was the sentiment of a conversation my AW and I had last night. I didn't address boring or workaholic at all... I went ahead and agreed on those. *patting himself on the back* But I didn't pass up the label thing.
I have never been one to stomp back and forth in the house proclaiming her faults. I am guilty however of trying to be her shrink. She says to me 3 years ago how depressed she is. I told her she should go see someone about it, and when she balks on that I told her at least stop the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and she is taking depressants to self medicate her depression... that just doesn't sound right.
In the past 2 years (and before Al-Anon) I twice mentioned that at some point in time if the drinking didn't stop, I would have to leave cause I can't stand the fighting and it's getting worse. So she has known my feelings for some time.
I told her that intention is not to label you at all. Would you feel the same way if I was telling you I was concearned about a spot that might be cancer. Out of concearn I would tell you that you really should have that checked out, but I can't make you.
You know... to normal people this would all make sense. Today it just makes me sad. She doesn't want to understand, or she is just incapable of beliving anything that doesn't validate her drinking. I have told her I love her and I never intentionally do anything to hurt her. For a "guy" I am very considerate.
Thanks to you guys/gals, I have the ability to leave that with her to either accept and understand or not. Still makes me sad though.
You all have a good day!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am sorry you are sad. It is a very sad disease and your right she is not going to accept any words that do not validate her drinking. My ex A husband was on all kinds of meds for depression etc they all said do not drink while taking this medicine. He drank...which caused horrid mood swings and fatigue and trouble sleeping and concentrating. So he quit taking the meds! Sometimes I have had to just give it up to my HP. I found it impossible to have a realistic discussion about health with someone who is active in the disease. Later on we found out he had a brain injury and hormone imbalances that needed more meds and he still drank. We have been divorced for 2 1/2 years and he still drinks. The meds which were the only thing that ever helped he stops using.
It's hard not to take it personally sometimes. I don't have it in me to let it bounce back onto him. I think it would be so much easier if I didn't have 3 kids I'd be gone in a hot second but then probably hook up with another AH or B. I feel for you though I have been through it for my entire adult life and still haven't figured it out. It's hard to let go of someone you love but I think about it like a drug the first high is supposed to be so good and then you spend the rest of the time trying to get to that again. I think these relationships are the same. They start out so good and you remember how they were then and keep hoping that it will get back to that, that they will be that person again.
There comes a time when you've done what you can, said what you can, tried all you know, to express your concern over another's circumstances. The disease is insidious, and clever. The person behind the disease, however, is in there. And the divinity within that person, is in There. That person has a choice, and the divinity within honors our free will, for it bestowed it upon us to begin with.
One of the last things my father ever wrote to me was simply this: "It is not for you to heal her."
It is for me to heal me, however. And in deeply desiring to do so, I have come to realize that as much as I love her, it is the illusion of a relationship we used to have a long time ago, and the illusion of a relationship I wish we'd had by now, that drove me to the clarity that you can love someone deeply and still know that you are better off on separate paths if you are not growing together in love and joy.
Bless you both on your journey, rtexas, and bless you both on yours, just me.
I'm sorry you are sad, also. It seems there is no end to the emotions we feel in this disease.
It sounds so much like you and I are in the same boat, if I even mention anything about drinking making my AH depressed, or not able to sleep or any other symptom that I believe alcohol is probably causing, he rolls his eyes. I am learning not to say anything now through Alanon.
I can tell you are a considerate man by your posts, and truly love your wife. It is such a tough situation to make the decision to stay or not, when you love someone and have been married a while. If things don't get better, when do you make that decision? It makes me sad too. They say you will be ready....
Thank goodness for this program, though, you are right. I can't tell you how good I felt lastnight driving home, praying for all the friends I meet here, and feeling the support. I even went to a f2f and felt even better.
You are a great part of that support here, RT, and don't doubt that you are a good person. It is hard when you are fighting and trying not to, to learn this detachment thing. It is just that your AW is in a fog and isn't able to give you the caring that you need right now. Hopefully that will change but you always seem to be taking care of yourself.
I wish you love and luck in whatever you do for yourself today!!!
Those hurtful words from the ones we love so much are always the ones that seem to hurt the most. I had a very wise sponsor that reminded me that "Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true"
You know your heart, motives and intentions are pure. You are focusing on your recovery and practicing taking care of you - what she feels, or wants to put off on you as your fault is not always the truth. Most of the time, it is probably farther from the truth the she will ever admit. Exam your heart, motives and intentions - if they are pure and honest then you have done your best - the rest is up to her - Just as she cannot make you feel an emotion - You cannot make her feel one -
Doing the Next Right Thing & Taking Care of You is the best thing for everyone - I'm sure it is hard - I'll keep you and all of your family in my thoughts & prayers,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
It is my experience that at a certain point, misery is a choice. That there comes a time that I have no one esle to look at for my life but myself. That I am the cause of my pain; that I am the cause of my grief; that I am the cause of my frustration. And really, until, I can look at myself in the mirror and embrace that totally with humility, I can't be helped.
This is a story from this month's AA Grapevine. I thought about putting my own post up for but, given how well that went the LAST TIME...., I'll just put it here.
Michael's Story
I am Michael's mom. Michael, the first-born son of two alchoholics, started getting in trouble with drinking when he was a senior in high school. Charming, bright, and a good student, he completed one year at the local junior college.
"So you're Michael's mother," people frequently said to me then. "He's such a nice young man; so polite and helpful."
Michael's dad and I divorced when he was ten-alchol abuse was a sub plot in that drama. A couple of years later, I married a man Michael had known all his life and he became a good step father to Michael and to his brother. When Michael was 14, we had a son and Michael became a good step brother. Our new family shared a nice home and I got sober by joining AA.
When Michel was in college he worked a night job and drank every night after work. One night, a terrible auto mobile accident involved Michael, a borrowed car, a traffic control signal, two company cars, an off duty policeman and the officer's 8 month pregnant wife. Miraculously no one was seriously injured, but depositions, lawsuits, et cetera followed.
"This will make him realize he has to stop drinking," I said
It didn't.
When he was arrested for driving drunk, we didn't bail him out. He spent the night in the city jail, ate bologana sandwiches for breakfast, and had his drivers liscence suspended when he appeared in court.
"This will make him realize he has to stop drinking," I said.
It didn't.
One day, the sherriffs deputy came and took the licence plates off Michael's car.
"Now, this will make him realize he has to stop drinking." I said
It didn't.
Michael went to live with his widowed paternal grandmother. He grew marijuana in her back yard, had drinking parties, and stole money from her purse. His uncle asked him to leave.
"Now, this will make him realize he has to stop drinking." I said
It didn't. And years passed.
Michael did a day job to keep a roof over his head and have drinking money. He joined the US Navy 6 months before the maximum age limit of 35, and was ordered to attened meetings of AA and the Navy's "drug school" while in the Gulf War.
"Surely, this will make him realize he has to stop drinking," I said.
It didn't.
Michael recieved an honorable discharge, returned to his hometown, and got a good job and an apartment. He met and fell in love with a wonderful young woman who issued an ultimatum: "Me or the booze."
He chose booze.
Michael lost her, his job and his apartment.
He robbed two local banks, turned himself in to the local police, and served time in federal prisions where they had AA meetings.
"This will certainly make him realize that he has to stop drinking," I said.
It didn't.
Michael served his sentence, found a job, lived at the Salvation Army and went through their alchol and drug treatment program. He eventually aquired other housing and aquired some belongings, but kept drinking and lost it all.
"This has to make him realize that he has to stop drinking," I said
It didn't. More years passed.
He became homeless, jobless, and lived under a tobaggan slide in a county forest preserve.
Last September I got the phone call I always knew would come. Michael was in a hospital recovering from surgery after a possible assault had caused brain injury. It was unclear how long he had been unconscious.
After several weeks in the hospital, he was admitted to a rehabilitation hospital, where he recieves speech, occupational, and physical therapy.
He has no short term memory and little long term memory; he does not know the day, date, or time; he does not know I visit, from one day to the next; he has little vision as a result of an injured optic nerve; he is learning to walk with a blind cane, to groom himself, and to use the toilet with assistance; he sleeps in a secured bed to keep him safe; he thinks his dead grandfather and uncle have visited him; he will spend the rest of his life in the nursing home I have selected.
And he is not drinking.
But an aide recently asked what kind of drink he'd like: juice, milk, milk shakes, or cola.
"Don't you have any regular beer?" he asked.
I have finally quit saying, "Now, this will make him realize that he has to quit drinking."
I am sorry you are sad. It is a very sad disease and your right she is not going to accept any words that do not validate her drinking. My ex A husband was on all kinds of meds for depression etc they all said do not drink while taking this medicine. He drank...which caused horrid mood swings and fatigue and trouble sleeping and concentrating. So he quit taking the meds! Sometimes I have had to just give it up to my HP. I found it impossible to have a realistic discussion about health with someone who is active in the disease. Later on we found out he had a brain injury and hormone imbalances that needed more meds and he still drank. We have been divorced for 2 1/2 years and he still drinks. The meds which were the only thing that ever helped he stops using.
Go figure!!?
Hope your day gets batter! Keep your chin up!
Julia
WOW can I relate to this................hubby on anti-depressants AND drinking when told not to. The mood swings, but of course IT'S ALL ME he says. I was feeling really bad a few days ago and it hit me that I need to stop "trying" to get him to stop drinking and just let it go. He and I have had horrible fights lately, and he is on edge all the time. I walk around on eggshells whenever he is home. I do have some issues I am going thru right now, which is menopause, but I know it is not all me. As I told him, I am willing to address my issues and get some help, which I am. Him freaking out and yelling at the saleman in SEARS the other day, him flipping out and yelling at the girl at the gas station yesterday and today the same with a co-worker. THAT is NOT ME or my fault. I am recognizing this alcoholism dependency in him is growing. I mentioned to him the other day that he has all the signs........
Having problems getting up in the am. NO ENERGY. Being tired all the time. DRINKING every night after work......But he loves the taste he says! He stopped in July 2004 till December 2004. He had one or 2 beers that December and then not another drink till November 2005. From there it just snowballed and now it's been everyday for the past 8 months. He and I talked about it the other day and he hasn't had a drink since Wednesday. He is miserable, he is shaking, he is wicked irritable, he is sweating, and cold, then hot and has leg tremors. He goes on and off his meds all the time, and then back again. I feel bad with myself that I am at a point where when he says how sick he feels I just don't want to hear it. I know I need compassion, but he has done this to himself. He lies to himself, he creates these illusions that he can have one or two and be ok. He won't go to AA. he wants me to find out though, what he can do to feel better from an AA forum. I told him he needs to do this. I told him tonight I need to step back from this and he needs to do it alone. Am I wrong? As an adult child of 2 alcoholic parents, and 5 generations on both sides of alcoholism, (with the exception of ONE grandmother) I know all too well what can happen, what does happen! I just know I can't be there to baby him like he wants right now. I can't make him feel better. He needs to address this on his own. I told him I love him and I will support him thru this difficult time, but I need to detach or I will get too involved in trying to fix him. I haven't been to Al-Anon in years although I did go for 10 years or more.
Any suggestions? This is a new marriage of not quite 2 years.
About the drinking while on meds: Its a sad truth that drinking enhances the effects of the meds, creating a precarious situation with the body, as you have already witnessed. ((Big Hug)). If I were in your shoes, I would talk to a medical professional, and see what they advise you do as his spouse. In many states, you have power of atty, and the doctor can advise you what to do if there is trouble.
, I'll just put it here.